May Horoscopes
By Cole Taylor and Santi Gaete
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will finally realize that when adults told you that you were “mature for your age”, they just meant you were weird and a little bit creepy.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will become a victim of boredom when your dentist decides to leave their X-ray machine on and pointed at your head for the duration of your appointment.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the daycare that will leave your coworkers talking about you in hushed whispers for years to come.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Pluto rising in your sign will spell trouble later this week, since you’re really not supposed to be able to see it with the naked eye.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While there’s no shame in admitting you don’t know everything, there is actually quite a lot of shame in admitting that you still aren’t completely sure how showers work.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There’s a time and place for a Star Wars themed party. The birth of your first child is not one of them.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will make medical history this week after recovering from smallpox, only to die from something called “Megapox”.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The coroner will be forced to apologize to your family for his remark, although they will have to concede that “Rectum? Darn thing killed him!” was relevant given the circumstances.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While it’s true that only God can judge you, it really won’t take him more than a couple seconds.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Some big things are going to happen next week. Oh boy, it’s going to be really exciting. Shame you have no way of knowing what they are.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your ex will stop by to pick up their stuff, which is strange, since you thought no one saw you steal it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember, it’s not always too late to fall in love. It is in your case though.
