Satirical News: December 2021
By The Sunset Harold Staff
Study Shows IB Students Sad, Overwhelmed, Not-Smiley
By Camden Maggard
A new study conducted by The Harold has found that a majority of 2022 IB diploma students are both sad and overwhelmed. The study measured facial expression within IB classrooms, registering each smiling student as a non-sad candidate. No non-sad candidates were recorded in the study. Sunset IB Coordinator Jill Boeschenstein has confirmed the study’s conclusions, stating to The Herald in an interview that “the only time [she has] seen a student smile this year is during lunch, outside of class.” She also noted that most of her student’s facial expressions have been “indistinguishable” and “hard to read” since in-person school resumed this September.
In Major Scientific Breakthrough, Harvard Professor Uses Sunset Upper Gym to Prove Flat Earth Hypothesis
By Camden Maggard
What’s so special about Sunset’s upper gym? It just so happens to be the proof Harvard professor Dr. Marian Walters has been looking for to prove her flat earth hypothesis. In an exclusive interview, Walters gave the Harold further insight into her conclusions: if the upper gym is used to define the term “up” as being a directional term that is defined by the direction of the upper gym from Sunset’s ground floor, then Walters believes that this new standard can be used to examine contradictions between the way in which the term “up” refers to different directions in various regions of the world in a round-earth scenario. Thus, Walters has concluded that the only way for the Sunset-defined definition of “up” to be consistently applicable is if a flat-earth model is embraced by the scientific community. In order to memorialize the significance of Walters’ findings, a new wooden plaque is being constructed to the left of the entrance to the men’s locker room.
IB Japanese SL II Course Name Changed to IB Illustration SL
By Camden Maggard
In past years, second-year IB Japanese students have been expected to memorize a large number of kanji in order to prepare for IB exams in the spring. In an effort to expand the Japanese department at Sunset, school administrators have decided to rebrand the course as “IB Illustration SL,” hoping to draw in arts-oriented students that could benefit from learning various Japanese characters. Sunset’s studio arts teacher, Aubrey Park, has shared her support for the initiative: in an interview, Park stated that “the patterns learned in advanced kanji are similar to those found in many historical art forms, and could be useful for students interested in printmaking or radial design.”
