April’s Horoscopes
By Cole Taylor
(A bit late, but here they are:)
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll finally get into shape after a bout with a hydraulic press. Precisely what shape you’ll be in remains to be seen.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll face humiliation after being gunned down by a group of comically short mobsters, who will proceed to mock you in an exaggerated Italian accent.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Next week, you’ll find your eyes will be a little bigger than your stomach due to a horrific allergic reaction.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll find a brief respite from the pains of insomnia after engaging in an intense game of Monopoly with your sleep paralysis demon.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll get an awesome new TV from your neighbors, who will tragically pass away next week when you break into their house and stab them and take their TV.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be going through a lot of stress this week, but it’ll all be worth it when the Pope excommunicates you for the coolest reason ever.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will soon find out exactly why it’s so fun to stay at the YMCA.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will combine crash test dummies and your ventriloquism talents to give a special someone the worst date of their life.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The unexpected arrival of twins in your life would be much easier if you could figure out whose twins they were.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It will be years before your friends respect you again, but it’ll totally be worth it after the prank with the fursuit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You can put your fears of being assassinated to rest. Only important people are assassinated. You will be unceremoniously beat with a rake behind the Home Depot.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Yoga enthusiasts are able to touch their feet to the back of their head through years of discipline, but you will be able to achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
