5 Signs that He’s Just Not that into You
Look, we’ve all been there: You meet someone new and somewhere between the getting-to-know-each-other baby stage when you pretend you don’t have crippling, deep-held behavioral issues and much more comfortable relationship stage when you embrace your crippling, deep-held behavioral issues the bastard loses interest. Everything is sex and pizza and “Hey meet my entire pledge class on the second date” and a week later he’s a total tinder spectre whose phantom dick pics still float somewhere on your phone.
Dating is hard in this day and age and if he isn’t trying to live on your couch or wear a vial of your blood around his neck, how can you really know if he’s the real deal? Don’t worry, we got you. Here are 5 sure-fire signs that a guy just isn’t that into you.
- He’s still on Tinder.
Okay, it’s like the third date, why is he still on there? He should know right now, without knowing anything about you whatsoever, that you are the only person he wants to be with right now and the only option out there for a relationship. You either know or you don’t and clearly he doesn’t. Cut him loose, you need to be open to the love you know you deserve.
2. He doesn’t text every day.
How are you supposed to know he’s thinking of you if he doesn’t tell you every hour on the hour? How will you know if he likes you if he doesn’t call you about nine times when you forget your phone in the other room while watching Downton Abbey with your mother? Clearly he doesn’t care if you’re texting someone else in his absence.
3. He won’t make time for you.
I mean, is he really getting deported? I mean, have you seen his expired student visa? Is interning on that murder trial more important than getting LA Cafe with you? Is he really working on a major creative endeavor that could change his entire career trajectory or is he just feeding you a line? Always assume it’s a line, no one could ever have a legitimate reason for not seeing you- you are literally the most important and most special woman in existence.
4. He refuses to show you off.
I know, I know. It’s easy to fall for the bad guys thinking that we’ll be the exception to their rule. That they’ll fall head over heels and finally take you out and show you off like the rose-smelling poop treasure that you are. But if he can’t even make simple concessions- like tattooing your name down the length of his penis, then you probably aren’t as much of a priority as you think you are. I mean, why the hell not? Is he planning on showing that penis to someone else? A doctor? Yeah, I bet.
5. He won’t make sacrifices for you.
Ladies, I hate to be the one to say it but if he’s not willing to lay down his life in order to facilitate a deal between you and the Prince of Darkness then he just isn’t that into you. Save yourself the tears and half-assed lesser demons and find a good man. A man that will willingly offer up his heart- literally and figuratively so that you may make a pact with Lucifer and his fallen angels. The right guy will only want what’s best for you, like unspeakable power and an army of demons with names that would make any mortal lose their mind. You’re worth it.
It’s difficult, ladies, I know. Building someone up in your head to be someone they’re not only to be left with unanswered text messages and a half-finished pentagram because you ran out of boy blood to draw it in sucks. But don’t lose hope, even when the most obnoxious or needy of your friends have their own demon love slaves and you’re crying into your Pina-Straw-Cosmo-Tini. Again. But don’t waste your time with men you know are no good for you. What’s meant for you will find you, even if it has to crawl out of the deepest crevasse in Tartarus to find you.
