sweet ‘n ‘ sour tape #26: certified mover boy
Our last day together in Philly left me feeling pretty uncomfortable tbh and kinda bummed. The ripples from the SEISMIC shift of this turning point kept haunting me. It fucked me up for a couple weeks, but I’ve come out of it now realizing that I was just lowkey scared of how most people in my age group from my background have graduated (no pun intended) to ‘true’ adulthood. You remember before in earlier tapes how we agreed that college is like a cushion or bubble before that happens, but now everyone has shed that safety net. Sure, you might say I already did that and did it way before them, but they caught up and are now (especially financially) in much better and secure circumstances.
Fear is not productive though, as we both know. My mom told me this past weekend that she trusts me to make the correct decisions from now on, which helped me find solace because it led me to my latest breakthrough:
You’re probably like ‘yeah no shit’, but you gotta understand… you had structure these past 4 years- I didn’t. The transition for you probably felt more gradual because the parameters of your destination (a bachelor’s degree) were way more specific and measurable than mine (my generation’s Ye). I’ve been in artistic SCORCHED EARTH BY ANY MEANS mode which kinda put me in developmental limbo in terms of life and maturity. Everything, even the structure/schedules that I have maintained, had to be developed by me and reinforced by own discipline. So fast forward, I’m 22, and all of a sudden I realize that cool, I’ve grown in innumerable ways blah blah blah, but our most crucial years are on the horizon and functionally I’m still at the same spot I was when I came to Philly. No deal, no thousands of fans, no shows-just lost in the sauce for the longest.
As my parents prepare for the end of their American experiment, I prepare for the next tier in this artistic saga of mine. This move is the perfect impetus, but it’s also a sign that I have to adapt/reshape my approach.
My window is not closed. But it’s smaller than it was 3 years ago when I started. Since my birthday, that idea’s really been turning in my mind, and it took me a while to make my peace with it. Not because I was especially upset, but you know how we all get those random thoughts in passing that can just be complete mood assassins and fuck up your whole vibe.
But my window is still not closed. It’s just smaller than it was 3 years ago when I started. And these last 3 years showed me that none of it is out of arm’s reach, which is the most important part.
I don’t see this as my last year doing music, not even close. But I guess since it’ll most likely be my last year doing it in Philly, at least for a while, I’m treating it all the same. It’s still music or bust, but this year I’m approaching it more rigorously thanks to you.
I was stuck on this tape for the longest cause I realized there was going to be a lot of shit I didn’t wanna confront. And right when I needed inspiration, I saw this pop up on IG. From Ye’s manager himself. Life is crazy isn’t it?
