sweet ’n’ sour tape #36: Dear Luigi,

Hello my oldest friend! I’m grateful that the title goes to you.

From 9 to 99, I know that we’ll always have each other’s back or until a beautiful woman gets in the way. Seriously though, we’re blessed to have met each other. We are two dreamers who knew that suburbia/NE Philly life ain’t it. In a world that made us feel crazy for us wanting more, questioning convention, and being ourselves. I’m glad our friendship became a safe space for us to explore our multi-hyphenated identities and interests to the fullest capacity.

I could have made this tape a series of deep cuts from our 15 years from bliter to french fries ;) but I’m going to focus on what is the backbone of our relationship — the conversations. This time it’s a bit one-sided, and in letter form. I hope you enjoy!

Where do I begin?

First of all I fucking miss you.

Your absence is felt bro, I understand you’ve been deep in the work grind but man do I miss your random calls even though I suck at picking up, and your absence at my little birthday dinner with my mom was felt. No negative energy here I’d rather have you achieve your goals and stay grinding, but I do miss having you as a bigger picture in my life.

Speaking of my life, it’s alright.

If 23 is a mid age to turn with no real oomf, then 24 is a punch to the gut.

You know the details of some of my struggles like how a couple ties in DC had to be cut. A friend from high school also recently passed away.

The latter has been jarring. Another reminder how fragile life is, and how it’s important we let each other know how much we care. The only thing I regret is I didn’t appreciate that friend enough while we spent time together in highschool.

I love you bro, I’ll for sure be saying that more often.

All of these events have been a whirlwind on my mental. It weighs on my mind but it has brought a lot of learning, and clarity about who I am, and what I carry with me.

Guilt and Shame are the demons that I’ve decided to dance with lately.

The stage they dance on is a belief that I’m secretly, deep down, a shit person, a cheat, a liar, and a fraud. How I’ve masked this belief is with pride that I need to be GREAT to make up for my flaws.

The truth is I need to humble myself a bit.

I’m not a good person, but I’m not a bad person. I’m a human being and I come as imperfect as the rest of us.

Did I do things I regret in my life, yes! 1000% I had to regret certain things to realize I’ve grown as a person.

I need to remind myself that it’s ok to be proud of myself even if I made a few mistakes along the way.

Sometimes I have to stop and smell the flowers; I provided myself with a sense of stability I have never known before, I go out and perform Improv on a stage multiple times a month, and my poetry page has been semi-consistent for two years. Hell, I learned how to ride a bike as an adult.

I’m a life-long learner baby that’s me.

I am also a bit of a social perfectionist, with a dash of finesse, and reneger when it’s convenient for me. I’m not proud of these traits but it’s also me and now I’m working on it. Ok I’m a bit proud of my finesse skills haha

I said this back in the 1712 days that we are our actions. As others cannot see our thoughts or feelings.

I have to be honest a lot of the day my actions would paint the picture of a master procrastinator rather than a skilled IT professional. Which is not my fault at all. I’ve somehow found my way in another extremely cozy project, and I’ve been using that time to self-work/maybe get that AWS Solutions Architect Cert 👀 Self-work and studying can only take so much of my day. Usually, I’m productively procrastinating, or sometimes instagram scrolling the days away.

I want to loop back to the social perfectionist bit. You’ve called me out on this especially when we first moved in together.

I have this critical voice that monitors my every move. It’s the real devil on my shoulder. It criticizes every word I say, every decision I make, every single feeling I feel.

You may be wondering how I keep this even a bit hidden? I hate to say it but Kaizen 😭

Under the guise of self-growth, I let my inner critique run free because I thought if I’m hard on myself I’ll be forced to grow.

The truth is this inner critic is what makes me hold on to shitty relationships, or pedestalize women I am romantically interested in, burns me out, and might be the true cause of my procrastination.

If the way for me to limit Guilt and Shame was to recognize my pride and humble myself. Then self-compassion should be the key, but I don’t think it’s that simple.

My self-criticism comes from some place much deeper than me being mean to myself or even thinking too lowly of myself.

I struggled for a while trying to figure out my source, and then I saw The River Runner.

The River Runner is a documentary on Netflix that follows the story of Scott Lundgren. He is a kayaker who made it his life’s goal to complete expeditions through the four sacred rivers that originate from Tibet’s Mount Kailash. Before he could complete the last expedition Scott found out he had a brain tumor.

Two quotes from the documentary had struck a chord with me.

“Vulnerable is a scary place to be if you have fought your entire life to be secure”

The first quote makes me think of our identity as immigrants. How through our parents I have come to value security/ stability, or maybe another way to put it is safety.

Then in order to maintain a sense of safety in a foreign land with people who we don’t quite understand, and with extended family we don’t always get along with, we found a need for control. This leads us to the next quote.

“I tried to control everything in my life…once I realized with my tumor I had no control of that… I just surrendered to the flow of life… and I no longer tried to control the outcome of anything… I just show up with my heart”

I have also internalized that need for control due to my fear of vulnerability. I need to control how people perceive me (social perfectionist) in order to feel safe/secure in relationships.

If I critique myself too it gives me a fake sense of control. Maybe I can’t control the current outcome, but if I critique myself and improve I can suddenly control the next. If I can control the next I feel more secure and safe in friendships.

Unfortunately, in interpersonal relationships it takes two to tango. I cannot control the outcome no matter how hard I try to come off a certain way or be perceived a certain way. The truth is I have to just be authentic and do what I think is best.

Which is corny, and easier said than done.

The real lesson for me at least when internalizing this is not suddenly, “Be your best and authentic self!”

It’s more that I don’t need to criticize myself. Even if I improve in saying hi to acquaintances 🙄 or whatever is giving me social anxiety I will never be able to control what other people think of me.

I have to lead with the heart, and follow through on my words with actions that align with who I am or who I want to be.

That’s where I’m at.

In the meantime between this self-work I’ve been doing shows, learning how to skateboard, climbing rocks, falling on my ass, and most importantly getting up to do it again, and again, and again.

We must celebrate our 15 years of friendship while I’m in town in some way or form my friend. I know both of us can make the time to do so.

Until then I’m curious about the following,

How are you sir? How are you really?

What are you expecting 24 to be like? If you have any expectations.

And, have you listened to any good music lately?

I’m excited to hear the answers, hopefully irl, and over a nice ice cool can of Pepsi.

Most importantly, remember I love you my guy!

Cheers to 15 years of friendship 🍻

Sincerely,
Mario

P.S. Here is a playlist I made to document our shared music journey from cringe to cool 😎