sweet ’n’ sour tape #39: summer update
It’s way past summer right now — the days don’t get hotter than 53 degrees, the Barbenheimer hype has cooled off, and my brother’s out experiencing his second year of college. I wanted to make this tape a lot sooner, like September or October, believe me. But it took me a while to digest what I was feeling and form the right words to communicate it all.
I don’t really have any pithy takeaways this time. I feel like life as an adult sometimes feels like endlessly scouring a house of mirrors, trying to figure out which version of you are distorted and which versions are real. And the longer you’re trapped, the harder it becomes to remember who you’re even looking for.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, here’s summer 2023.
The good:
I tapped back into my creative instincts this summer which I didn’t fully see coming. Me and a friend designed some clothes — one shirt each and one pair of pants each. We also came up with these cool Air Force 1s that had thick laces. We were gonna make the laces look like the body of a red coral snake. I saw this friend a lot this summer and it was fun — we went on a lot of walks, smoked and listened to music, watched TV, discussed life paths, etc.
He was having his own difficulties finding work even after being employed at a Fortune 500 billion dollar company before, and I was still focusing on my portfolio of projects and improving my resume since the tech market is still focused on driving down costs — “optimization phase as opposed to expansion phase” — as a family friend who is a software engineer in the Valley told me.
Trying to complete this technology pivot is tough. Not because I can’t do it or cause I’m not qualified, more that it’s hard to find someone who gives you an opportunity. The first half of the summer I was really invested in making a good impression at my first internship, which I was lucky enough to get around April. I took this seriously and my boss only had nice things to say about me. I handled full stack development and cloud architecture design, so I got to utilize my full skillset.
It was unpaid though, which I knew from the start. I thought if I worked super hard and showed how dedicated I am, maybe my boss would consider some kind of stipend, but he insisted that any kind of payment would be impossible until the app was turning a profit — which wasn’t gonna happen ANY time soon.
I was upset cause I found a good remote gig with a nice boss and project I genuinely liked, but I didn’t raise a stink and stayed professional. He has a wife and a little daughter, plus he’s a senior developer at his actual job and on top of that involved in a whole swath of other mentorships and internships, mostly with young devs from India. So I understood, we wrapped things up, and I moved on. He even said if I need a recommendation I can always reach out.
But I learned a valuable lesson this time: never work for free. Which I thought I already knew, but apparently I need to update the lesson: never work for free under the hope that you can prove you deserve a wage. I’m glad he said no now, all these months later, because even though I currently still don’t have a paid opportunity, I know my worth now and expect to be compensated for it from the beginning itself.
I made business cards for my girlfriend’s dad’s business, and we both started working on a website for him! She handled the media and text and video, I handled the UX design. We weren’t a bad combination, and spending a summer day working closely with her in a cafe and then going out to enjoy the sunshine and get some post-grind pizza was great!
She told me I should really consider pursuing freelance design work because she always tells me how good she thinks I am at that. I feel like I need more of a design portfolio though, so that was something I’ve been thinking about since, and been pretty successful with so far.
I put together a definitive script for one of my favorite movies that has varying screenplay drafts, and even included stills from the actual movie that lined up with the dialogue and actions. It’s finished now with a full table of contents and even a 1:1 recreation of the end credits, and works on all major devices. I hid the credits on mobile though — not enough space to do them justice. I also want to add a floating button on mobile to make it easy to go from scene to scene — TBD. But that’s something I was actually able to finish.
And as you know, I started working on a magazine which I finished up in September and published the first week of October. I want it to be bi-monthly so I stay sane and it gives me time to find cool stuff to feature and experiment with the format. I’m proud of it though and have received good feedback, but need to really expand it before I see more.
If you add in the fact that I finally finished adapting a cryptographic algorithm from this research paper I was reading (as in, it passes the expected security tests), AND a game that gets artwork in real time from auction houses and lets you try to guess the price, this summer was good output wise. I got a lot of stuff done, and I’m proud of that. My design portfolio alone by the time I get to the New Year will have 6 finished projects, which sets me up to comfortably begin freelancing now that I can adequately demonstrate my design skills and versatility.
I also got to come down to DC to see you and some of our other friends, which was the second most fun event of my summer! It was great clubbing with you all, and before that seeing Barbie and Oppenheimer. Curious how the movies have aged for you since, but we’ll talk about that when we catch up IRL. DC is beautiful man, it really leaves me in awe every visit lol.
Oh, and you’re probably wondering what the first most fun thing I did was. I went hiking with my girlfriend, brother, and friend I mentioned earlier through a nice big park in the city. We spent most of the afternoon together and had a blast, and my brother liked my girlfriend and gave me his blessing more or less (I didn’t ask cause that’s corny and it didn’t matter to me if he did, but I’m glad he likes her and there’s no weirdness). We skipped rocks (or tried to), hopped across rocks on the shallow riverbed instead of following the main trail, and found cool little houses and bridges on the way around us. It was a great time even if it wasn’t the most LIT thing in the world. For the degree of freedom and accessibility I have right now, it was perfect :)
Summer wasn’t too bad honestly, and I came out of it feeling pretty confident. Which surprised me, especially considering how it started.
The bad:
4 days before my birthday, I got into a crazy car wreck. Unlike the other two, this one feels like it’s my fault. I left for Philly in the middle of a terrible storm, and the worst part about this whole situation is I drove through the storm and made it out COMPLETELY OKAY.
Then right as I approach my exit, I got cocky and started going a little fast. Off in the distance but too close for me to react properly was a massive puddle, looked like a little lake almost. I hit the brakes before trying to switch lanes but by the time I began all this my front tires had touched the puddle. I spun a full 360 degrees into the lane that was left of me, and was hit by this blue Honda civic driven by some old guy. He wasn’t too upset, and nobody was hurt. But my car was totaled.
My parents were both abroad in India. When they got back and we sorted everything out, the insurance told my dad that I was considered a high risk driver due to the recent span of accidents (even though the previous two were considered NOT my fault but the other driver’s, and the insurance sided with me). So if I continued driving their insurance would shoot up and another accident could make me uninsurable in general for the forseeable future. My parents weren’t upset by the accident so much as me leaving when I shouldn’t have, which is fair. I didn’t ask for anything and said okay when they said they couldn’t risk me driving around anymore, especially to the city. So your boy is back to Regional Rail.
This was a huge L. It didn’t really fuck me up or anything, I flew too close to the sun and paid the same price Icarus did. So no hard feelings for me against anyone except myself. But it’s severely limited my mobility. Before I would go to the city and see my friends and girlfriend, hang around, or post up and do work, around 3–4 times a week. Now it’s 1–2 max. I’m in the house a lot more. It’s helped me lock in but at the same time has put more stress on my relationship. Luckily she hasn’t complained at all and totally understands (like always god damn), but it sucks when you’re suddenly way more limited in seeing someone you love.
This was the last sign I needed to leave the recklessness of being 23 behind me. To continue becoming the best version of myself, I can’t afford doing stupid shit like this. Like I was literally RIGHT in front of the exit I take to the city when I got into the accident. I was RIGHT there. And if I had waited and driven calm after the storm instead of being so impatient like always, none of this fallout would have ever happened, and I would still have a car.
And if the car that hit me wasn’t a little Honda Civic, something bigger like a truck? I might’ve ended up in the hospital, maybe even died on the scene. Remember, I’m SPIRALING with no control of my vehicle in a full 360, so I have the momentum from me spinning out. My forward momentum slammed my vehicle into the Civic as much as the force of its forward momentum slammed into me. Almost literally in a sense, because the car smashed into the driver’s side door. That was the point of impact. So… yeah.
This was something I could blame on nobody except myself, no matter how my friends tried to make me feel better. So I had to shake my inner self to make sure this type of shit doesn’t happen again. One of the few little perks I had with being stuck here is gone. Luckily, life goes on and things went fine since then, because after this is when all the stuff I said up there at the top happened.
Summer started real sour, and turned real sweet.
And then it ended even more sourly than it started.
The ugly:
Sometime around the last week of August, it was a regular, completely uninteresting Thursday night. My dad decided to make dosa instead of my mom tonight so I told him to just make me two and leave it on the stove with a plate over it like my mom does most nights, because I was about to shower.
In the middle of me showering, I hear him screaming asking where I am suddenly, and I poke out of the door and say I was showering. But he sounded enraged, which was confusing because I literally just went down to the kitchen and told him to his face what the plan was and he said okay.
But now he was standing at the bottom of the stairs screaming at me, saying that “I eat too late” and “he’s not a servant” and all kinds of wild shit. I went back into the shower while my mom came out of her room wondering about all the noise, and she calmed him down while I finished up. At this point I was already seething mad because it’s just like him to make a scene for no reason. Once again, this was a regular ass day, everyone was getting ready for some me time before bed. It was quiet all around until this.
Now I’m in my room changing, and he comes up the stairs again yelling and saying I eat dinner too late and I do this every day. It was like 10PM, which was a little later for me than usual but not too out of the ordinary considering I usually ate around 9:30–9:45. And he eats later than me mind you.
My mom comes over and just tells me to relax, bring my food upstairs, and eat with her, because if he sees me downstairs he will make a scene. I should’ve listened to her, but I thought no: I’m not gonna run because I didn’t do anything wrong, and I was curious to see how he could turn this into something major if at all. Like what could he even say?
Turns out, a lot.
As I was eating downstairs, he comes over and starts yelling. Once again saying things like “we all suffer for you” and “me and your mom haven’t had a peaceful moment in the last 5 years” and “nothing is changing”. Which is extremely confusing to me because things have improved over the past 5 years — everyone acknowledges I’ve come a long way.
I think my brain has blocked out most of the bullshit ad-hoc list of grievances he was trying to air out, but the gist was “you take advantage of us and have nothing to show for it, all you’ve given us is heartache and stress and torment”. You get the idea. It was obvious from the way he was angry and his speaking that he was wasted, which wasn’t a surprise because he gets drunk every single night. It’s a daily ritual.
And I don’t really understand what happened next. My brain felt a little fried because I had been doing work all day and I just wanted to finally let loose and relax, I think the wear and tear of the day combined with being yelled at over some bullshit just made me snap.
I threw my plate at him, but it hit the wall behind him and shattered all over the floor. I just went berserk, screaming and crying and punching the table over and over. He finally stopped and just looked at me alarmed. My mom ran over instantly and started hugging me to try and calm me down while telling him to stop, and I just kept screaming at him that he always goes off randomly for no reason just taking his anger out on me and other people in my family. I said he can’t treat me like that and he says:
“It’s love.”
This just made me even more angry and I said “No it’s not love”. He repeated that it was and I said no and we went back and forth for a while. Only this time, I was yelling and he was calmly repeating himself and SMILING (like in the “Your dad knows more than you son” Indian kind of way). I told him its toxic and bullshit, but he didn’t say anything. He relented and went outside to smoke.
My mom tried to calm me down and first chastised me for not listening to her because she knew he would start some shit, but I was just a mess at this point. I didn’t care. She tried to get me to come back upstairs, but I just felt so awful. There was chutney splattered all over the walls and even the curtains behind me, and shards of porcelain spilled on our wooden floor. I said I wasn’t gonna sleep until I finished cleaning it all up.
As I was hunched over on the floor sweeping up the porcelain into a dustpan, I just broke down again. My mom got upset again and asked what’s wrong. I told her that this was just like all those years ago, that major breakdown I had my first summer back from college where I told them to their face that I wish I killed myself at college after I got into another fight with my dad over some trivial bullshit. I lost control and was just a mess. And I’ve come a “long way” right? Except maybe not. Because here I am, 5 years later, feeling completely reduced to the same crying, pathetic husk just unable to bring myself together without my mom’s help.
I hate this stupid fucking disease as much as them. I know I’ve taken risks regarding my future. But to think I did all this to spite them or take advantage of them, even if he was just drunk and pissed off about some other shit, is pretty heinous to bring up out of nowhere when the vibes otherwise have been fine. And I absolutely HATE how he talks about it like its HIS affliction. My brother told me once cause he got to see it more up close when he lived at home while I was in the city, but they tie it all back to the Hindu concept of dharma, and that God giving them a son who has these issues is a test and part of their struggle in life. It’s just so fucking reductive and condescending like no, God didn’t include this as part of your fucking dharma. MY ILLNESS IS NOT PART OF YOUR LIFE PLAN! WTF?!
Anyway, my mom kind of panicked when I said it feels just like that night 5 years ago because that day really fucked her up, and she quickly said no this isn’t the same, he just made you mad and you snapped. Everyone gets mad, it’s okay. Don’t think about it too hard. And when my dad came back, she told him what I said, and he instantly backtracked saying “No it’s not that at all, you’re doing much better but now I’m fine-tooth combing”
As in, he’s trying to filter out all the finer “flaws” he thinks I have, because his main argument when he pulls this type of shit is “I want you to be better than me”. But I don’t need him to fucking fine-tooth comb me and I told him that. I never asked. If I have flaws, I CAN FIX THEM.
But the thing is, to him, this is how he’s being a “good dad”. He has to be the “bad guy” to make sure I come out on top. So no, if you’re waiting for some nice ending here, there’s no real resolution. He didn’t apologize once. He actually continued to ramble on and pace around repeating himself. He didn’t admit fault at all, actually, he just cooled his tone and spoke a lot more relaxed. I was over exchanging words at this point. I just finished cleaning up and went to bed.
Before I slept, my mom came into my room and REALLY tried to tell me that it wasn’t the same as 5 years ago and we all feel angry, he was being an asshole, just let it go, don’t keep thinking of this. But I can’t. She’s right — this is a different set of circumstances from that other night — but the fact that it’s always been him, more than ANYONE, that finds new cruel ways to break me over small things that upset him, doesn’t sit right. He may love me, in his own twisted way, but he doesn’t like me. I think he wishes I turned out differently, even if he’s genuinely supportive now. He wishes this wasn’t the path that life took me. I don’t give a fuck about what path I’m on, because I will make sure either way that I come out on top. But like I said before, he looks at this from the perspective of “suffering”.
He took me back there, to that same place, that same night. He reminded me, after years of me improving my mental health, what it’s like to be at rock bottom. I can’t forgive him for that. Especially because he didn’t even have the decency to apologize.
Then, a few weeks go by. Me and my dad are cordial but don’t really speak. My brother had recently got a new laptop after the screen on his old one died. My mom comes over and tells me to get a new one too because my current laptop is so old and I had brought up possibly replacing it later this year with some nice used $750 one I found on eBay.
She doesn’t like used anything, so she asked me what my “ideal” laptop would be for everything I need. I said what I’ve told everyone for the past few years — the best laptop for me would be a Macbook Pro. But I was going to buy it myself once I got a job. I had NO intention of asking them for help with this one at all. I told her I can get a new laptop later, but she kept insisting that I do it now. In that case, I wanted the eBay option because it’s cheaper, and a new Macbook Pro would be upwards of $3,000. She told me I should reconsider and get the Macbook, and then left me alone.
Eventually, I asked my brother what I should do, and he said “You’ve told me you want a Macbook so many times over the past like 5 years, and they’re offering to get you one, so just take it”. A very younger sibling ass answer, but at this point I just wanted to be able to focus on work and avoid more weird parent interactions so I said sure whatever.
So yeah. I’ve been using a M2 Max Macbook Pro since early September. I’ve set up my creative and development environments. I moved all my files and even reformatted my backup drive to work with Mac now. Learned most of the shortcuts. I no longer use Windows or Linux at all anymore. I’m a full on Apple boy.
But I was resentful still for a while, because I knew what this was. It was a strategy employed by my parents before — to buy me shit to take my mind off some bullshit my dad did. Instead of an actual apology, my dad orchestrated a sympathy Macbook. It feels dirty. But like I said, I didn’t wanna expend any more mental energy on this. So I’ve moved on and gotten back to it.
I don’t see my dad the same anymore though, but on the day to day we’re fine now, I guess. I’m actually helping him clean out the basement now cause he wants to use the family room more as his late night hangout space, so I can actually setup my music stuff again now with the new space in the basement. I miss it so much. I’ve had to suppress the itch for a while to focus on all this other tech shit but it feels good to be able to get back to what I really care about soon.
So yeah, that was my summer. I completed a bunch of projects, crashed my car, went on adventures with my friends, had my mental health (temporarily) decimated by my dad, and got a brand new Macbook Pro.
How about you?
