sweet ’n’ sour tape #4: out of the frying pan, into the fire
Wow. Over two fucking years.
Haha, if there’s one thing that’s quintessential us, it’s falling short. This was a great idea, and who knows what mistakes we could’ve corrected or insights we could’ve forged or memories we could’ve looked back on. But the past is perfect though, as you always say. And I guess the fact that we even decided to do this again means we might be realizing the bullshit of our ways.
So, September 6th, 2017 was when you wrote the last one. Let’s do a little recap of life since then, shall we?
You got into the honors program. You got a paid internship freshman year. You became the director for an innovation festival at Temple. You kept a 3.7 even when times seemed very brutal. You got an amazing part-time job at a well-known tech store in Philly. You’re running a student marketing agency. You made some pretty cool friends. You even set up a mutual fund. By anyone’s standards, you’re fucking killing it bro.
Well… anyone but yours. Because there’s still a lot of issues you mentioned in your last tape that still resound today.
You still struggle to fully connect with what you’re learning. You’ve stumbled into the area of exploring new ideas, but never fully got you feet wet. And while you’ve grown tremendously, this personal growth may feel all cool and comfortable but you still haven’t turned your insights into anything that you’re proud of.
Bottom line is, Temple is no less a wall to you functionally than it was 2 years ago. We had no interest in going to college, and we said the only option was to either drop out or adapt. And you adapted well enough to get yourself a fantastic job when you graduate, but that’s not what you care about or why you went there, as you said.
Then there’s me. And what have I done?
I chose the drop out option, and had the most painful and uncomfortable conversation with my parents in my entire life. I lived at home for a year almost like a social hermit, spending whatever time I wasn’t working making music which was, looking back, pretty bad. I was diagnosed bipolar with ADD and have been medicated for over a year now. I grew a lot of my skills and also had some major personal growth as I laid rest to a lot of my demons and insecurities, but at the end of the day, I also have nothing to show that I’m really proud of.
There’s a gap between this expired version of me that exists right now and the me I know I’m supposed to be, and even though it’s not as big as before, the fact that there’s a gap in the first place is a problem. This gap has plagued me for the past 2 years and it’s got me just as stuck as you.
What I’m trying to get at is that we failed bro. And fuck everybody else for a second, because most importantly- we failed ourselves. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what we expected to make of ourselves, when we were those starry-eyed kids. I wonder what younger us would think if they saw us now, and how sick they would feel.
I could end it there, because I know it’d work. But despite the tone of my words, I’m actually in a great head space right now. So instead of motivating through anger, let me try something else.
This isn’t going to be some corny motivational positive vibes bullshit. I am so over that shit that the second I hear anybody say it these days I never take them seriously again. That shit is all about making you feel good and not about making you ready to be more.
2019 should be the forgettable year of our adult lives. The years after this one will be so wild and full of hard brutal work, but the rewards that will come from it will make us forget all of this bullshit happened. It was avoidable if we had stopped being pussies, but looking back it was some very necessary bullshit, and I’m not one to contest the whims of the universe, so I’ll leave it at that.
It was necessary because with the way our lives are looking right now, everything seems to be primed for us to do our thing. That’s why we’re tackling the habits responsible for our lapses, and finally understanding the true pressure we will face because of the lives we want. We know the fucking stakes bro. We know we’re running out of time. We finally understand the depth of the sacrifices our parents have made and how we need to do right by them.
But the reason why I know we’ll be okay is because we’re empowered by our ideals, which curiously enough mirror the same ones we held as children, only now they come from a more mature, tried-and-true place. See bro, we never dreamed too big, we just didn’t take big enough strides, and nothing anyone tells me will change my mind, and you shouldn’t let it change yours either.
We’ve had the “It’s time to change” conversation a million times. It’s so exhausting that I feel drained even trying to act all impassioned writing this. But now that it’s in print, maybe things will be different. Not even maybe, things should be different. When I would misbehave as a kid and my dad caught me, he would always say “You’re not cheating me, you’re cheating yourself.” It took so many fucking years but I finally understand what he meant. From here on out, we can’t rationalize our bullshit anymore: we’re fucking over nobody except ourselves.
So this is it. 2020. Year one of the decade that will make or break every ambition we’ve ever had. We got our one year goal and our five year goal carved out. We even shook on it. There’s going to be nobody to check us except ourselves, and you know I’m gonna come at your neck (I expect the same). I’m not tryna be a burnout who rationalizes my lack of success, and neither are you. The things we want might seem too ambitious for other people, but they’re entirely feasible for us and here’s why.
The special quality that sets us apart isn’t being super smart or super hard working or even super ambitious. Some of that is true and all, but what really sets us apart is that deep down, we’re still those same kids who saw the entire world as their playground. Replace the innocence with an informed rejection of societal expectations, the underdeveloped taste with honed and distinct aesthetics, and the pretentious self-importance with a humble understanding of our place in the universe, and you have us now.
When all’s said and done, and I’m having my last moments on Earth before I return to the universe, there’s just two things I want. I want to have one last, candid moment with my family and close friends. And the other thing I want is to know that not only were we still the kids we used to be, but we lived up to what those kids could be.
We are going to be the greatest artists of our generation, bro. Stamped. I feel fucking electric.
