If I Had Only One Wish, I Would Wish I Were Cis
It’s been three years since I came out as trans and started medically transitioning. During these past few years, I’ve joined any trans community that I’ve come across. I wanted to surround myself with my people and spread trans pride. So I followed communities all over the net, from Facebook to Reddit. Everyone in the communities seemed so proud and happy to be trans. It made me ask myself, am I happy to be trans?
The answer is no; I’m not.
If I could wake up in a cis man’s body in the morning, I would be over the moon. I would finally feel comfortable in my body and not like an imposter among cis men.
Everything in my life would align with myself. For example, I would have worn a suit instead of a dress for my high school graduation. I could have played with the boys without being ignored or told to leave so I wouldn’t get hurt. I could have cultivated a stronger relationship with my male family members instead of my female ones (not that I don’t appreciate and treasure my relationship with my female family members).
If I were cis, I wouldn’t have to worry about my trans identity getting in the way of dating and sex. I’m not saying trans people can’t date or have sex, but our trans identity is an obstacle when entering relationships. When it comes to finding a partner, people have preferences; and some don’t want to date a trans person.
I want to play sports with men and don’t feel inferior because I didn’t experience male puberty. I want to feel like genuinely one of the guys instead of feeling like I’m an imposter.
I believe I wouldn’t be lost as a guy if I were born cis. I want to think that I would have proper influence on how to navigate the world as a man. But instead, I’m getting my information from books, the internet, and fictional characters.
I find it funny that it's taboo for a trans person to say that they want to be cis. Nowadays, in the trans community, I see much disdain towards cis people. For me, my feelings are envy and jealousy. I find these feelings interesting because, like trans people, cis people have problems. However, I feel like my feelings of artificiality wouldn't be so prevalent despite that fact.
I want to feel happy and connected with my body. Transitioning has helped to ease my dysphoria, but I fear that I will always feel incomplete as a man.
