A few years ago, a sex tourist by the name of Roosh V (his real name) visited Estonia as part of his ‘bang’ series of books.

In it, Mr V., an American, would visit various countries in Europe and go ‘bang’.

Perhaps in an attempt to recreate the exploits of American troops stationed in Britain and later continental Europe during and after World War Two, he would then write up these little books explaining how he had engaged in carnal relations with a variety of women at night, and even during the day.

Things didn’t go especially well for Roosh V in the Baltic states in particular. He was threatened to be run out of a town on a rail by the good people of Lithuania, perhaps due mainly to his southern European looks, and attracted quite a lot of negative press here in Estonia too.

Mr V. seemed to qualify in people’s minds the utter fecklessness of ‘foreigners’, in particular men, something which the, indeed mostly feckless, foreign males living in Estonia have been having to deal with ever since in their questing after the holy grail of kissing a girl.

But it doesn’t need to be so — follow our tips below and you will definitely have no problem attracting ladies as easily as you do mosquitoes in the forest on Jaanipäev.

We’re aware that this is something of a sensitive issue in Estonia, with the majority of rapes and other malfeasances committed by foreigners, and also that ‘Estonian women should be with Estonian men and not this black man’, and that is why I am clicking ‘publish’ on this article in the departures lounge at Tallinn airport just before boarding my flight to Venezuela.

So here we go, the top 20 surefire pieces of advice:

1. Women are approximately 97 per cent water. Just remember that next time you’re drowning in the lake.
2. Don’t try and impress women with talk, for example of how your cousin once had a trial with Birmingham, particularly if in actuality he was once ON trial IN Birmingham.
3. Whilst it’s true that Estonian men are very practical, you don’t need to try to be in their league just yet. However you should have moved on from requiring matron to locate one’s own arse with one’s hands by now, my little western whippersnapper.
4. Ditch the scythe. Trust us on this one — whilst you may think bringing your trusty scythe with you on a night out means you are definitely going home in a taxi to some unfamiliar destination in Kristiine, it really doesn’t. Girls just aren’t impressed by scythes these days, and it can even rebound on you. Give it a try at least.
5. Estonian weddings are a fairly safe bet for hitting it off with an Estonian girl, but only if it is your own wedding we are talking about. And even then there is no absolute assurance of that.

6. If you’re having confidence problems approaching women, just mentally picture them naked. No, wait..

7. There are plenty of other villages in Norfolk you could take her to. You don’t need to settle on Potter Heigham every time.

8. Smoking cigarettes, whilst definitely a way to attract the fairer sex, since it is very cool, needs to make use of the right brands: Kent, Winston and Pall Mall — Yes, Marlboro and Lucky Strike — an everlasting nay…

9. Skipping round and round your quarry, chanting ‘the Queen of Hearts, she baked some tarts, all on a summer’s day’ ought to do it.

10. It’s not just depressing bars or crap nightclubs which make fertile hunting grounds; more workaday locations such as dentists and locksmiths can also yield something good. Libraries in particular are noted for their barely-concealed atmosphere of suppressed sexual yearnings. Indeed, you can often go to a library with nothing more on your mind than paying an overdue fine, only to be married before you get to ‘fine arts’ and ending up being served divorce papers by the time you reach ‘large print books’.

11. Parks on the other hand are not a suitable locale for your amorous enterprises. You need to cut that out right away.

12. Let’s dispel another old wives’ tale while we’re on — they won’t be impressed by you speaking Estonian, you just end up sounding like a dick.

13. Yellow or lime-green shorts. Eurghh!…

14. Due to the Calvinist doctrine of the predestination of the elect, you were foreordained by God to pull the precise number of women that you are ever going to pull. Nothing you can do will make the slightest difference to that.

15. If you will insist on dancing, dance like you’re being watched intently by an international panel of judges, who are going to award marks out of 5.

16. Estoonian lassies are braw fear’t fer ghaists and goblins and scritching houlets, so mak sure to escort yon wee one hame past Kirk Alloway mair than once in a twal’month, master Tam O’ Shanter.

17. It’s a provable fact that all asylum seekers to Estonia will pull on the first or second night of being here, and settle down to successfully start a family. That is what all the ruckuss is about.

18. You need the one ring to bind them in the darkness. So don’t accidentally forget and leave it behind in your drawer next time you head for a night out.

19. If all else fails, don’t be too proud to lower your sights a little and aim for other nationalities — it happens to the best of us sometimes. Just make sure she isn’t Irish, particularly from the South.

20. Just remember, even 9/11 wasn’t deemed impressive enough to get any news coverage here.

Well, that’s all, write in and let us know how you got on, forearmed with this new knowledge!

*That means it isn’t a real thing, Valentijn and Angelo and whoever else.