12 Observations On New-Parenthood, At The 10-Week Mark
1. The line “sleep when your baby sleeps” is really a farce. If you slept when your baby slept, you’d never brush your teeth, take a shower, consume anything. You’d never have time to watch the rise and fall of your baby’s chest, stick a hand in front of her nose every 15 minutes to ensure she’s breathing, keep your ears pricked for the sound of massive spit-ups. And even when you do will yourself to sleep, there’s that lovely running commentary in your brain: How long is she out for? Is it worth it for me to fall back asleep, or will I be up again in 10 minutes? 20 minutes? 45 minutes? Did you hear that? Is she stirring? Is that real stirring or sleep stirring or poop stirring? I better get up and check.
2. But wow, humans are remarkably resilient in the face of unfathomable sleep deprivation. Like, I shouldn’t be awake to write this.
3. I never knew how liberating it was to have the use of both of my hands at the same time. Or how many hours of my life I was preparing to spend rocking, bouncing, squatting, swaying, lunging, twirling, jiggling. Lugging around 11 pounds for hours on end is a physical feat.
4. Everything I do for myself — grooming, eating, going to the bathroom — now occurs in two- and three-minute increments. Or not at all. Considering how hard it is to have any kind of a meal, it’s a cruel trick that baby weight sticks around as long as it does.
5. Changing a blowout diaper at 3 a.m. is not a one-person job. End of story.
6. All baby clothes should have zippers. Snaps, buttons, socks — these are preposterous. See # 5.
7. Screw modesty. The idea that mothers are expected to get a squirming, freaked-out infant to latch well under a goddamn curtain for the comfort of someone with the apparent maturity of a seventh-grader is a complete and utter (udder?) affront.
8. The early weeks are crippling, and I was ill-prepared for the darkest days. But oh how those skies part when she smiles. I have never, ever, seen anything so beautiful.
9. There will be at least one seemingly insurmountable hurdle. For some, it’s breastfeeding. For others, it’s sleep. For us, it’s the bottle. It’s impossible to predict, and your best-laid plans will be unable to prevent it. See: the massive stockpile of carefully labeled frozen breast milk in our freezer.
10. There is Just. So. Much. unsolicited, conflicting parenting advice. It’s all right and it’s all wrong.
11. Phantom cries. They haunt your dreams. You hear them in the shower, on the street, in your sleep. This is a legitimate mental condition, far more jarring than those phantom cellphone vibrations you feel in your pocket or your purse.
12. I thought I was an empathetic human being, and that I *mostly* understood what new parents were going through. I was so wrong. I regret the error.
