Bitch talkin she the queen when she looking like a lab rat.
Nicki Minaj

Hello my dear emotional ninjas-to-be, apologies for being absent so long. Last time I talked about how lying drains your energy and productivity, in this post we’ll go over what being truthful really means.

The bottom line is this: the way you experience people or situations has more to do with your own emotional baggage than with external factors. This is what my boy Shutz calls “Levels of Truth.” I prepared some practical examples of our very own fictional Naomi’s assistant for you. Let’s get started!

Level -1: Self-Deception
State of withholding my experience from both you and I, this is in an unconscious level. How can I tell you something about me when I don’t even know it myself?

Level 0: Withholding
Pretty simple, I know but I’m not going to tell you.

Level 1: Name calling
It one sounds worse than it really is, at least in this level you are expressing an opinion about the other person, the end goal is to focus on yourself but this is a start.

Level 2: I don’t like you
Feelings towards the other person are expressed, this requires a bit more of self-awareness. I need to recognize my feelings and then express them, we’re making progress here!

Level 3: Because you
Rationalization nation! You are reporting the impact that others’ actions have in your. Framing it correctly (in a neutral way) provides a first attempt to solve the conflict.

Level 4: I think you feel
Getting closer to nirvana here, not only are you showing interest in the other person’s feelings, but you’re rationalizing what that means to you, however you are still victimizing yourself.

Level 5: I fear I am
Hallelujah! We made it to the fluffy clouds here. You recognize your own feelings of insignificance, incompetence or unlikeability, instead of pushing them to the other person.

At this level conflict can be avoided entirely, since you take ownership of your feelings and not transfer them to the other person.

Practical Example
Naomi is the worst (level 1), I hate that she is always talking on her stupid mobile (level 2), like that time I was telling her my puppy died (level 3) she didn’t even wink. I think she stopped liking me (level 4) when I made that comment about her dress… When she ignores me it makes me feel like I don’t matter (level 5).

This stemmed from our fake Naomi’s assistant feelings of insignificance, which she is transferring on to sweet Naomi. As she becomes more
self-aware, she will see the situation clearly. Maybe Naomi is a busy super model that needs to be on the phone all the time, maybe she really is mean, but at least now she can get a real grasp of the situation.

“The key to resolving arguments is self-awareness.”

When you know what’s motivating you, it’s easier to solve conflicts or avoiding them entirely.

Self-awareness is like a tiny candle that sheds light on your experience, it means becoming aware that you’re experiencing something. It’s not like riding a bike, you don’t learn once and then it’s with you forever. You have to keep regaining that perspective, like when you realise you are dreaming and then get absorbed by the dream again.

It’s not a compartment within you either. It’s something that comes into play with other parts of you, like self-concept and self-esteem.
Self-awareness shows you which parts of your personality surfaces, but if you go deeper it also tells you why. I read a quote once that said something like:

“When you become aware a door opens and you go through it, you don’t question if the door exists or not.”

This is spot on, however it’s more than just a door. When you become
self-aware you have to work constantly to maintain it, like a plant that needs watering, it’s an on-going dialogue with yourself. Self-awareness feeds on new experiences and how they relate to past reactions or decisions, so it’s always ongoing.

“Now the self that experiences directly can only exist in the moment, but the one that narrates needs several moments, a whole sequence of them, and that’s why our full sense of self needs both immersive experience and the flow of time.”

We are actors and audience at the same time, the actor is self-awareness and the narrator is your self-concept. This ‘story’ might be empowering or hindering, but I’ll talk about that in my next post, when we go tripping through the looking glass.

Until then,
Daniel