NBA All-Stud Team
Answering the question you’ve always wanted to know* but were afraid to ask
When we’re young, we look up to our favorite athletes because we can, or we wish we could, identify with them. Their backgrounds, competitiveness, struggles, triumphs and their ability to recover from seemingly any failure inspired us to attempt things we never we could do. When I was a boy, my first hero was Derek Jeter. The Captain. The man who gave everything to his team and was the epitome of a franchise player. Later I became a man and I discovered that I had chosen extremely well. Jeets is a legend. The man gave out gift baskets full of autographed gear to his one-night stands and dated some of the most beautiful women on the planet.
Athletes are celebrities (except they’re better paid than most movie stars) and people love celebrities. Especially groupies. These men travel around the world and are tempted by some of the most beautiful women on Earth on a nightly basis. What’s not to admire?
That being said, I’m going to keep this discussion to the NBA because I’m not going anywhere near the NFL, Jeter is the unquestioned king of the MLB for all-time and don’t you ever try to dispute that, and this guy won the NHL. So now let’s go through my First Team All Stud, complete with an, owner, arena, sixth man and announcer for their broadcasts.
Arena: The Forum
Owner: Jerry Buss
Simply a look at Dr. Jerry Buss’s page on Getty Images will explain to you everything you need to know about that cradle-robber. For god’s sake Deadspin’s obituary for the man was titled “Jerry Buss, Surrounded by Boobs.” But since you’re lazy and chances are you won’t do that or click the links I attached I’ll put some of my favorites here. Keep in mind that by the time the 2000s rolled along he was already in his late 60s, early 70s so just imagine what his life was like when he peaked with his Showtime Lakers in the 80s.
I rest my case. Rest in Peace oh Dirtiest of Grandpas.
Point Guard: Magic Johnson
My favorite story about Earvin’s (Magic) Johnson: Magic used to finish games, rush to the locker room and conduct a private press conference with a very select group of reporters in the shower before heading out to address the rest of the press. At his peak, there was nobody like Magic. He was the biggest star in a city full of them at the perfect time. At a certain point, Magic stopped pursuing bumping uglies for his own pleasure and started doing it just so the women would feel accommodated, joining the club that grew by 300–500 members annually.
Magic was also probably the best teammate/wingman around. The parties at his Bel Air mansion were second to none, and many claimed that they saw the most beautiful women they ever encountered at those events. He was also quite the ringmaster. Actual quote from someone who was fortunate enough to experience this: “At midnight you had to get busy with somebody or you had to get the fuck out. So if you were a guy, at midnight you’d get as close as you could to the hottest possible woman. Magic went around in this freaky voyeuristic way. He’d check on you. He’d go throughout the house, the pool. He’d order people to start doing things. All you had to be was near a chick. There were guys who would yell, ‘Magic, she’s not getting busy! She’s not!’ He’d run over and she’d get busy.” My favorite part of that story? Them referring to doing the dirty deed as “getting busy,” can we please bring that back?
Shooting Guard: James Harden
August 2015, Russell Westbrook’s wedding. Russ, being a naturally quiet, introverted destroyer of worlds planned a small event at which he would celebrate his eternal love for his college sweetheart joined by family, a few close friends and … Khloe Kardashian. I can only imagine Russell Westbrook’s reaction, or lack thereof, upon seeing the camera crew for Keeping Up With the Kardashians arrive to record the happiest day of his life. Why was she there? Apparently she and James Harden were dating at the time, though it ended shortly after when he refused to become exclusive with her (or maybe he just cheated on her, TMZ/KUWTK conflict on this one).
Small Forward: Dominique Wilkins
Nique was the king of the south back in the day, before Atlanta started blowing up. If you wanted a good time below the Mason-Dixon line you called him.
Power Forward: Dennis Rodman
I don’t want to talk about it.
Center: Wilt Chamberlain
“The Big Dipper” just might be the most apt nickname in sports history. My favorite Fermi Problem of all time: how many times did Wilt grease the loaf pan in his 48 years of action 20,000. Don’t try to argue the math and ruin my childhood. It happened.
Sixth Man: Chandler Parsons
The dude is gorgeous and makes $22.12 million a year. ‘Nuff said.
He’s also King of the DMs.
Ballboy: Joel Embiid
This young padawan just wants to learn. Let him suckle from the teet of carnal knowledge that is the NBA All Stud Team.
Announcer: Walt “Clyde” Frazier
This was prime-Clyde’s boudoir. Are you kidding me? The prolific point guard provocatively positioned a mirror above his swaggerific, splendiferously scintillating fur bed and inscribed his name as only Clyde would. This cunning linguist clearly enjoyed watching himself do something in those mirrors and I doubt it was studying the dictionary.
