The Future As Told By NBA 2K17, Part II

On Sunday we started a journey into the digitized world of the NBA. With no real NBA basketball until Thursday (at least on the court, the trade deadline has been glorious), the time was ripe to use the simulations of NBA 2K17 to see what the future of the NBA held.

In Part I we saw Boogie Cousins win a Defensive Player of the Year Award, Fred Hoiberg win a Coach of the Year Award, and the Detroit Pistons defeat the Minnesota Timberwolves in the 2018 NBA Finals. Needless to say, there was chaos.

Today we’ll pick up where we left off, with John Wall having just joined the Pistons, the Celtics having just won their 18th NBA title, and Fred Hoiberg defeating common sense by still being a head coach of an NBA team. We’ll pick up the pace a bit as well, seeing as we’re going to end this piece in the year 2036.

2020 Highlights

• LeBron made his 16th All-Star Game and 14th 1st-team All-NBA appearance.
• The New Orleans Pelicans (sans Boogie) and Timberwolves ran the Western Conference while the Milwaukee Bucks and Philadelphia 76ers ran the East — not too hard to imagine.
• The San Antonio Spurs finished 33–49 — way too hard to imagine.
• Although given that Gregg Popovich just (video-game) retired and Carmelo Anthony just (video-game) signed with the Spurs heading into the 2020 season, maybe the whole 33 wins thing does make sense…
• The New York Knicks and Brooklyn Nets finished with the two worst records in the NBA. The city so nice they gave it back-to-back lottery picks.
• Karl-Anthony Towns won Defensive Player of the Year. Apparently the defensive advanced metrics from 2016–17 don’t know jack!
• Steph Curry won the MVP thanks to his 29 points, six rebounds, and seven assists per game.
• The Timberwolves won the NBA Championship over the Chicago Bulls in five games. Kris Dunn won Finals MVP and the entire city of Atlanta celebrated because Minnesota was getting way too close to them in the sports suffering rankings.

• Notable free agent moves: Melo to the Miami Heat (about a decade too late); Draymond Green to the Denver Nuggets (weird); Paul Millsap to the Golden State Warriors (fun).

2021 Highlights

• Ben Simmons made his first All-Star Game.
• Joel Embiid and Ryan Walker traded to the Knicks for Derrick Rose and Ian Mahinmi. Can you see the (imaginary) Knicks boners from here?
• Skal Labissiere for Malik Beasley in a trade that only 2017 Jim Turvey cares about.
• Rajon Rondo was somehow still in the league and drew a first-round pick in a trade deadline move.
• I can’t tell if Kris Dunn being an All-Star in 2021 is weird or not.
• Nerlens Noel traded straight up for Marc Gasol. The year 2021 is a long time from now…
• Melo leaves Spurs. The Spurs bounce back to the four seed. His new team (Heat) become the worst team in East. God this guy can’t catch a break.
• Some dude named Leroy Madsen led the league in rebounding. I for one welcome our new NBA 2K overlords.
• LeBron James averaged 21/7/7 and led the Cavaliers to 60 wins en route to his fifth MVP. I can’t wait to be 60 years old and yell at all the young whippersnappers who “just don’t realize how great LeBron was!”
• LeBron and the Cavs defeated the Lakers in the Finals and LeBron took home the Finals MVP. So literally nothing will be different five years from now. (Outside of the whole “Lakers being good” thing.)

• Dwyane Wade makes the Hall of Fame thanks to a career in which he totaled over 25,000 points.
• Notable FA moves: Kevin Durant to the 76ers (Trust the Process); Greek Freak to Pelicans (partnering with Anthony Davis in one of the only imaginable combos more terrifying than the newly-minted Boogie-AD combo); Draymond to the Orlando Magic (Green’s nut-kicking wanderlust travels south); Chris Paul to the Heat (to join a still active Chris Bosh); Melo to the Houston Rockets (guaranteeing the Rockets to now miss the playoffs).

2022 Highlights

• Surprise, surprise! The AD-Greek Freak Pelicans finished the year with the best record in the NBA, and the Greek Freak took home the MVP trophy.
• Luke Walton is coaching this video-game version of the Pelicans, and I just can’t stop smiling at that.
• The Warriors missed the playoffs for the first time since 2011–12.
• Hassan Whiteside has (video-game) aged very nicely.
• The Denver Nuggets finished the season with four draft picks in the lottery. Danny Ainge still thinks they could have held on to a few more assets.
• LeBron sees his rating bounce back from a 98 (so low!) to a 99. HAHAHAHA this dude is out there having his NBA 2K rating improve as a 37-year-old. LeBron is officially a robot.
• The Utah Jazz, led by some CPU-generated nincompoop named Dwight Rice, defeated LeBron and the Cavs in the Finals. LeBron decides to retire after his Game 7 NBA Finals loss, less than 1,000 points shy of Kareem’s all-time scoring record and still sporting that 99 rating. Most frustrating part of this exercise so far. I want to see (video-game) records broken!
• Bosh joined LeBron in retirement, and both immediately joined Wade in the Hall of Fame.

2023 Highlights

• Kemba Walker, Derrick Rose, and Ben Simmons all spent the season on the 76ers. Clearly the Sixers still have a few things to figure out even in 2023. And yes, NBA 2K believes Rose will be in the league longer than LeRobot James…
• Livio Jean-Charles (I really wonder how they get these names sometimes) is the one tasked with taking LeBron’s starting spot in the Cleveland Cavaliers lineup — good luck buddy.
• For all those hoping to see Blake Griffin traded within the next two days, the 2K series still has him in L.A. in 2023, soooo.
• Joel Embiid, Kristaps Porzingis, Steven Adams, and CP3 are all together in NYC in 2023. I just found y’all’s favorite new team.
• The Spurs topped the Bulls in the Finals. Kawhi was not the MVP though, some cat named Marion Dantley nabbed the award. Like I said, we’re going to speed up as these names start to sound less and less like the players we know and more and more like some dude randomly pointing at names in a French baby name book.

2024 Highlights

• Durant to the Charlotte Hornets. Seriously do you simply refuse to remain in one (video-game) place for more than a year, KD?
• League leaders in points, rebounds, blocks, and steals per game were all CPU-generated. (Only Chris Paul assists locked it down for the real guys.)
• TRUST THE PROCESS!!!!! The 76ers won the NBA title and Ben Simmons won Finals MVP.

2025 Highlights

• The KD League Tour continued in LA with the Clippers. That’s five straight years with a different team for Durant.
• Russell Westbrook finally left “small town” Oklahoma City for… Milwaukee?
• Well, it turned out to be a great decision for both, as Westbrook won the MVP and the Bucks won the NBA Championship. Congrats Milwaukee!
• CP3 retires as a 40-year-old still 2,000 assists shy of Stockton.

2026 Highlights

• KD’s Magical Mystery Tour landed in Dallas this year.
• Greek Freak took home his second MVP.
• Jahlil Okafor 1st-team All-NBA. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
• Bucks went back-to-back winning in six over the Jazz in an NBA Finals matchup guaranteed to convince Adam Silver the league needs to bring back the frozen envelope era.
• Steph Curry retired with four MVPs two rings and over 30,000 points.

Final Decade Highlights

• The 2027 Pellies finally cashed in on their absurd AD/Greek Freak combo, going 16–1 in the playoffs for their first ring.
• The year 2028 has a new Netflix comedy special coming out:

• Dragan Bender got some respek on his name with a 1st-team All-NBA appearance in 2028.
• The Nets won the 2028 title. Now we know we’re far off in the future.
• Durant retired after 22 seasons, with one MVP, one ring, and ten (!) different teams. He also ended up less than 1,000 points shy of Kareem.
• Doc Rivers didn’t retire until 2029, sorry referees.
• Ben Simmons won the 2032 Finals and Finals MVP… for the Celtics. He promptly retired with three rings but no MVPs. He still made the Hall of Fame.
• Jahlil Okafor career: 1,300 games averaging 16 points 8 rebounds. Is it possible Okafor a touch underrated in real life? (Or am I just in a video-game-induced haze?)

And Finally… Unicorn Battle — Career statistics for the unicorns

Joel Embiid: 1,041 games; 16 points and eight rebounds a game; one All-Star Game.

Kristaps Porzingis: 1,435 games; 16 points and seven rebounds a game; three All-Star Games.

Karl-Anthony Towns: 1,359 games; 19 points and 10 rebounds a game; one ring; five-time 1st-team All-NBA; Hall of Fame.

Greek Freak: 1,676 games; 16 points, eight rebounds, and six assists per game; two MVPs; one ring; nine-time 1st-team All-NBA; Hall of Fame.

Jahlil Okafor: jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is The One True Unicorn.

And Finally, Finally

Brandon Ingram is officially the Last of the Mohicans, retiring after the 2036 season, and leaving behind a CPU-created hellscape in which the Denver Nuggets won the 2037 NBA Title. What a (video-game) world we live in.