Why You Should Hate the Patriots
All good things must come to an end, and tonight will conclude an awesome Pro-Bowl weekend (good job, NFL). Sadly, this will be the end of Miami Dolphins Pro Bowl receiver Jarvis Landry racing in a sumo wrestler suit. Or Odell Beckham Jr. proving why he is the freakiest athlete in the world. Everyone has been soaking in the sun and enjoying the best attractions Orlando has to offer (sorry Goofy and Micky). Once the final whistle blows, however, we’ll move on to next weekend’s serious, intimidating, hostile and gloomy event hosted in the dim lit cave known as NRG stadium located in Houston, Texas.
Yes, brace yourself: the New England Patriots are in the Super Bowl again.
Go ahead, let it all out.
If you’re like me, and don’t reside in Alcatraz or Atlanta, then you may be unbiased towards either of the Super Bowl teams. When you look at Atlanta, you ask yourself why cheer on Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons (well, maybe just because of this). Since when are the Falcons good? Perhaps you rode Ryan, Julio Jones or Devonta Freeman to fantasy football nirvana. Or maybe, more likely, you just lost like the rest of us. In which case, you have little or no connection to the players. Maybe money is the deciding factor for your fandom. Millions of players play fantasy football, and even more bet on Super Bowl Sunday. It’s a fantastic technique to turn a trivial matchup between teams you have zero relationship with into the most intense 60 minutes of your life. If you fall in the latter category, chances are you placed your money on TB12 and the New England Patriots. Okay, hard to argue that. This article, however, is to sway- no beg you- to #RiseUp and cheer for the Falcons and, more importantly, learn to despise the Patriots!
No one likes Tom Brady or the Patriots. Well, the only people who do are Bostonians (and this goddess). And NO ONE likes them. The only thing people hate more than Brady, is…well that’s what this article is all about. Here’s a list of reasons why you can spend your time more productively by doing anything other than rooting for the Pats.
- Tom Brady
In case the above picture doesn’t speak for itself, I’ll do the honors. Of course the man is one of the best players to step onto a football field. However, that’s the player, Tom Brady. He’s not on trial. We’re discussing the man, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. Ew. The man who’s a model for Uggs. The pretty boy who always has his hair jusssssssssst right. That smirk he passes off as a smile. That devilish look in his eyes. The “it wasn’t me” face he always puts on.
2. Robert Kraft.
This villain wears a two sided mask. On one hand, he conducted and sanctioned multiple scandals (oh, we’ll get back to those don’t worry), approving the team’s crooked behaviors. However, when commissioner Roger Goodell stands up, Kraft is usually the first one to support him. Let me put this is layman’s terms: if there is anything we hate more than the Patriots, it’s Roger Goodell. When the goody two shoes Patriot stands up and defends the evil emperor, other owners and players can’t help but seethe and grind their teeth. (Side note: this guy has donated over $100 million to charity, my hatred for him is purely cosmetic.)
3. Bill Belichick.
This guy. If you mention his name to any Jets fan, cover up your baby’s ears. This sneaky know-it-all coach can regularly be seen on the sidelines wearing a hoodie that makes him look like an uncircumcised penis (see above). Speaking of the organ, Belichick is a huge dick to reporters and the media. He barely opens his mouth and when he does he barely enunciate his words. He was one of the main men in charge of Spygate (see below), and generally carries a smirk and sly look on his face. Unlike Brady, he doesn’t even have a pretty face to look at.
4. Spygate.
Oh boy, here we go. Just a small preface: the New England Patriots are cheaters. Always have been. (That felt good coming out).
Back in 2007, the NFL caught the New England Patriots video taping the New York Jets coaches hand signals, which gave the Pats a huge advantage over the Jets as it enabled them to counter whatever play the Jets had in mind. As more and more reports came out, it became known that the Patriots had actually been videotaping coaches hand signals for years! Reports later came out that the Patriots actually video taped the St. Louis Rams walkthrough practice the day before Super Bowl XXXVI! The Patriots went on to upset the heavily favored Ram for their first Super Bowl ring. Four years later, the Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl. Later on, coaches and executives from that Eagles staff admitted that they suspected the Patriots had videotaped their hand calls. This went on for a few more years and finally in 2007 Goodell launched a formal investigation. He had six tapes of their fraud in his office. And, wait for it,
He destroyed all the evidence.
When coach Belichick was confronted about his videotaping. He defended himself by saying he didn’t know it was illegal to do that.
5. Deflategate.
If you haven’t had enough of Tom Brady already, here’s another story. Two seasons ago, the Patriots played the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Championship Game. Winner moves on to the Super Bowl. Tom Brady and co. seemingly manhandled the Colts in a 45–7 rout. Immediately reports came out that Brady and the Patriots deflated the footballs to give them an advantage. Are we claiming that a puff of air or two is the difference between a game for the ages and spring training? No. But why? Why did they feel the need to cheat? When Goodell asked Brady to hand over his smartphone for evidence, guess what Brady did? Just what any normal person would do and smash his phone.
After reading this, you should feel the need to go on kayak.com and book the next ticket to Atlanta. Tom Brady and the Patriots are amazing, there’s no denying that. But I just hate them so much.
