Local Student Somehow Considers Being A Lifer An Accomplishment

In a brief conversation over lunch last Wednesday, local senior Scott Watkins made clear that he considers being a lifer at this school an accomplishment of his. “Hey! I’ve been here since kindergarten, you pleb” Watkins loudly asserted to a few uninterested lunchmates, “beat that!” When asked how he holds such an opinion about a decision his parents definitely made without his input and which has nothing to do with his own ability, given he was approaching the age of four at the time, Watkins offered a simple reply: “Shut up.”

At press time, Watkins was being beaten over the head with a bottle of chocolate milk by those he had lectured, while teachers looked on with little sympathy.

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