School Board Adds “Exemplary Ass-Kisser” Award to Closing Ceremonies

Dean of students Lauren Williams announced this week that a new award would be added to the Closing Ceremonies Docket. The “Exemplary Ass-Kisser” prize will be presented to the student who best displays the school’s most integral unwritten core value. “Whether this student excels at complementing their teacher’s clothing, turning in their papers before the day that they are due, or simply running for student council,” explained Ms. Williams, “the Exemplary Ass-Kisser prize will prove one of the highest highest honors a Maret student can receive.”

Today, Ms. Williams informed the school that the recipient of the prize will be determined by a semi-secret committee of faculty who may or may not be open to bribes.

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