Spring Fling Festivities This Year Just Bucket of Water Balloons, Pool Noodle

This past Friday, students rushed out to the back field, eager to partake in the summer festivities, only to discover that this year’s Spring Fling consisted only of a bucket of limp water balloons and a soggy pool noodle. Yelling over a chorus of boos and insults in a press conference later that day, dean of students Lauren Williams explained that “Unfortunately this year we didn’t have enough in the budget for a typical spring fling. There just wasn’t enough money to accommodate the spring fling, the faculty end-of-the-year bash, and my annual bonus, so the administration had to make some tough decisions about its priorities. I think we made the right choice for everybody.”

After being attacked by an angry mob for the second time this month, Williams has been issued a second armed escort for her security detail.

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