Endless Love (1981)
Tom’s film debut. A teen love story that gets, well, weird. And kinda awesome.
Before we begin …
Everything has to start somewhere, and the film career of America’s favorite non-action-hero 80's movie star began here. Don’t remember this one? Well, neither does anyone else, but we ALL remember that song. Yup, this is where it came from, and the producers knew they had a hit, so you’ll be hearing it throughout the film in various forms.
This is where Tom got his start, so this movie’s already awesome, but we also get to see James Spader (who I always call David Spade, which, actually, is a different guy) play the role of Brooke Shields’ older brother. Oh yeah, Brooke Shields is in it, too. Anyway, it’s Spader’s second film, so that’s cool, I guess. Oh, who gives a shit about James Spader, right? Let’s move on.
The movie is an adaptation of a novel by Scott Spencer which, apparently, people liked more than the movie. The ADD version of the story is kinda like this: Young couple, madly in love, separated by her angry father. Boy burns down her house to impress her … well, he was gonna save the house … Shit. OK, well the dude goes crazy, Dad dies, and they both live happily, crazily, ever after. I think. The ending is a little ambiguous.
I watched this gem with the target of my own endless love, the lovely Honora Layle, who will be helping out with some commentary. You can add your own reactions or comments by leaving notes alongside this post. Just click on the paragraph you’d like to discuss and a comment sidebar will appear. You can also link to pages, videos, pics, or any other web-hosted content by pasting a link at the bottom of the page under “Further Reading.”
Film Stats
This fairly forgettable film was the 22nd highest grossing film of 1981, raking in a respectable $31,184,024. Critics were … not as impressed. Movie historian Leonard Maltim called it “a textbook example of how to do everything wrong in a literary adaptation … Scott Spencer’s deservedly-praised novel is thoroughly trashed.”
Well, whatever. Fuck you Leonard. This is Tom’s debut. Speaking of which …
Tom Stats
Time on screen: 45 seconds
Starring Role: Not even close.
Danger Zone: Admitted arsonist with a maniacal laugh, this man is unsafe!
Mission Impossible: Tom is, awesomely, the idea man here, kicking the insanity up a notch with a step-by-step guide to arson inspired heroism.
How you can watch
This one’s easy: Netflix.
Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!
If you don’t wanna know, then don’t read below.
And then, abruptly, we begin.
Annnnd it took 10 seconds to get weird. Was I supposed to be prepared for Brooke Shields to be THIS deep right off the bat? Apparently we are skipping any kind of courtship period, as these two are already in love and saying totally down-to-earth things like:
Brooke Shields: What if I died?
David: Then I’d die.
Uh … yeah. OK …. Anyway, this movie comes from the year that brought us amazing films like Superman II, Raiders of the Lost Ark, History of the World Part I, and Time Bandits. I think they stole the costumes from Superman. Everyone looks like they work at the Daily Planet.
Annnnnd it took 2 minutes to get to some gratuitous swipes at China. And communism. Go America. Fuck yeah.
Whoah!! James Spader is in this!?!?! Oh, fuck James Spader. OK, no, I guess he’s pretty cool. Whatever.
What’s up with the jeans? Jeans and a tuxedo. If only he had a mullet.
Ohhhhhh here comes the RIFF RAFF !!! The badass rocker kids are here. They brought their Scooby Doo van. And the parents are cool with it … party at the cool parents’ house. Everyone’s invited. OK, this is getting pretty weird. Maybe this movie is actually gonna be totally fucking awesome.
OK so yeah. This chick keeps making out with her dad.
Honora: What’s that all about?
(shrugs) Oh, … OK here’s the first song.
They are taking this soundtrack very seriously. Everyone in the movie, literally, just stop what you’re doing. Just listen to the soundtrack. And we’ll watch them listen. It is a good song, though …
Honora: Oh, it’s Endless Love. That’s the name of the movie. OK, I get it now.
(sings) … my, end-less love …
… Yeah.
The Bear Skin Rug Scene
Wow. Ultimate bear skin, fireside, whitey tightey, socks on, epic love scene.
Honora: I still feel traumatized by the Blue Lagoon. That movie was really weird.
The mom is up to something …
Uh Oh!! There we go … [gratuitous male butt shot]
Honora: She’s into it. (pantomimes mom watching the kids doing it …. what?? …)
OK so the mom is cool with it. She’s all hippy about it.
Dad is NOT OK with this. He’s raging. Dad rage. How did he not already know about this shit?
David’s dad is still hella cool, though. That’s good. And he’s got some hella cool glasses. With frames that don’t have tops. Wicked glasses, man.
This chick is, like, really tired all of a sudden. Teenage sex. Makes you tired.
David’s back. This dude cannot keep his clothes on. And the music is getting pretty creepy. And David. Is. Creepy.
David: I’ll never stop loving you. Never.
Anyway. Back to the sexing.
Who-ah! … We’ve got a boob. Clock is at 36:30.
Honora: They’re just so … naked. Are you writing ‘they’re just so naked’?
And now, out of nowhere, EXTREME PRESCRIPTION DRUG INTERVENTION! INTERVENTION!! INTERVENTION!!! So awesomely over the top. Dad is sick of Brooke Shields stealing his pills. Dad is pissed. David can’t keep coming over here and bangin’ Brooke Shields any more.
Brooke Shields: Dad, I hate you!!!!!
David in Exile
OK, so David is on the outs. Dad’s laying down the law.
Dad (to David): You. Get the hell outta here!
Mom is trying to smooth things over, but I’m getting the impression David is about to crank up the crazy sauce. Shit’s about to get real. The mom is still …
Honora: SO weird.
Yeah. Like, she wants to bang David, amirite?
OMG OMG OMGOMGOMG OMGOMGOMG!!!
Enter the Cruise Missile
Look at those shorts! He’s like a studly Tobias Funke!
Arson. YEAH! Arson is so fucking cool.
Tom’s a hero! WICKED LAUGHTER!! Yeah, go Tom!!!
Evil David.
Now David is Evil David. Listening to that “rock” music. Loudly. Into drugs and everything! (David’s mom is very anti-hippy)
Honora is feeling sorry for David. Just wait til he gets really crazy.
James Spader. Get this shit in control. Thanks, James Spader.
Shit gets crazy.
Pretty casual setting-my-girlfriend’s-house-on-fire scene.
Well, that burnt down pretty damn quick. And, apparently, arson is NOT cool. David is in serious trouble now. But he gets off with just probation. So he made out pretty well in the situation. But wait … no! … He can’t see Brooke Shields any more. EVER. Also the loony bin sucks.
David’s missing Brooke Shields. Hella missing Brooke Shields. No action in the loony bin.
Boobs. 1:07. Despite this, the movie is getting pretty shitty now. David isn’t a very believable patient at the loony bin. OK … anyway … this movie should just end. Like, right now would be fine.
Now we get an awkward future mother-in-law almost sex scene. Yep. I guess they’re gonna stop implying it. Let’s get weird.
Now David’s just getting molested. And the mom gets rejected. That was close.
Now he’s out on the street … now here’s the dad …. showdown?
Who-ah!! Outta NOWHERE! Dad gets hit by a cab. Dead in an instant. YES!!
Now David’s gonna go bang his ex-wife. Well …, not if James Spader has anything to say about it! I hope he gets all Stargate on David’s ass …
Honora: This Endless Love is, like, seriously. Endless.
How to win Brooke Shields’ heart (now that you’ve burned down her house, fought her brother, almost banged her mom, and killed her dad).
Brooke Shields is trying to end it. If David would just. Say. Goodbye. Please, say goodbye. Please David. Any chance of him being reasonable here? Nope! Still crazy. OK. good to know.
Annnnd that’s how you win Brooke Shields’ heart. Forcibly restrain her, then scream at her until she recognizes your undying devotion. Nice work.
Annnnd now it’s super casual. Same scene. What. The. Fuck?
Honora: Worst movie ever. This is like taco night all over again. (bringing up my not-really-THAT-bad tacos from the night before)
And, in the end, he’s crazy and she’s, apparently, into crazy. Endlessly.
