Living in Light and Struggle
Emotional healing and awakening is a spiral path
As I write this, I’ve emerged from an insecure attachment emotional struggle that went on for weeks. When I retired a few years ago, the lid came off all my emotions as I lost my life purpose and structure. Long buried insecurities surfaced and manifested as attachment issues. I had periods of sadness, longing, anxiety, and fear of losing my sanity. Thankfully, I had the support of dear friends, a therapist, and a mental health group.
That all changed for the better last summer and fall when I began deeper spiritual work. I have been a lifelong meditator and had experienced some profound insights and awakening moments, but more significant awakening experiences eluded me. I now believe it’s because I spent my life dissociating and repressing my emotions after childhood traumas. I had to experience my emotions fully and heal them or at least learn how to feel them and work through them before I could go deeper spiritually.
Last summer I was doing much better emotionally after 18 months of therapy and several months of group work. A friend told me about Jeffrey Allen’s energy course on Mind Valley, and it opened my heart, mind, and soul in ways I had not previously experienced. At the same time I read material by Federico Faggin and Sue Frederick (Through a Divine Lens is a great book!), both of whom discuss the nature of the spiritual universe and the soul. I started having awakening experiences! During that time I also started a light body awakening course that deepened the awakening experiences. The last experience went on for months of feeling joyful, feeling loved by the universe, and being constantly excited about a life and spirit. I also felt healed of attachment and other emotional issues. Life was great!
More recently, though, my awakenings have slowly faded, and I’ve had renewed insecure attachment episodes. They were mild and shortlived, and I returned to feeling not quite awakened during my daily activities, but I could go there during meditation and for a bit afterwards. I still felt largely joyful and excited about life. Then a few weeks ago a new attachment issue started, prompted by long periods of inadequate sleep, and spread to insecure feelings in most of my relationships. The severity was nothing like my earliest episodes because I have many tools now to work with my feelings: grounding, hiking and connecting with nature, listening to my inner child and other IFS parts, EMDR, meditation, guided meditations, and spiritual energy work. Still, the struggle persisted together with the lack of sleep.
The poet Menander with masks of Greek drama (public domain)
I listened to my emotions and sat with them, in addition to using all the other tools, but I couldn’t pull myself out of the struggle. However, I eventually found some helpful guided meditations to lift me up spiritually and help my soul reclaim control. One meditation, which is part of the second light body energy course I took, walked me through a visualization of divine light and energy to heal my physical body, my emotions, my mind, and led me to dwell in direct soul contact with the divine. Another meditation by a Zen teacher reminded me to let it all go; don’t cling; hold life loosely (here’s a lovely very short video about Zen master Haruki that makes the point beautifully!). A third meditation by a Tibetan lama taught me how to visualize my struggle as a demon and transform it into an ally. I saw my attachment issue as a wolf, transformed into a puppy, similar to the story of how St. Francis turned a ravenous wolf into a friend. Here is my abbreviated retelling of this touching story in my own words:
St Francis visited the town of Gubbio and the townspeople asked him to help. A ravenous wolf would attack and eat the villagers whenever they went outside the town walls. St Francis prayed and went out through the gate. When the wolf approached, St Francis said, “Stop, Brother Wolf! Why are you eating the villagers? Don’t you know that is wrong.” The wolf said, “I am hungry and there is nothing else to eat in this arid place. If I don’t eat them, I’ll die.” St Francis said, “Dear Brother Wolf, come into the village with me. We will feed you and take care of you from now on if you promise to harm no one from this day forward.” The wolf bowed his head and placed it on his paws to signify his agreement. The wolf then tamely followed St Francis into the village where the kindly saint explained that the wolf was hungry and asked the villagers to promise to feed and care for the wolf for the rest of his life and he would promise not to harm them. They agreed. From that day onward, the wolf made his way around the village each day, carrying his begging bowl in his mouth. At each house the villagers fed him and loved him and he lived happily among them to the end of his days.
St. Francis and the Wolf sculpture, Umbria Italy
Why am I telling you all this about my own struggle? TMI? No, I want to help those who are healing and awakening to avoid some of the misunderstandings I had about awakening. The myth is once you awaken, you’ve arrived. It’s one-and-done! Not true! Healing from emotional trauma and spiritual awakening both require lifelong ongoing work, and both are still subject to the ups and downs of human life.
I think of healing from trauma like healing a physical wound, like a knee injury. If you seriously injure your knee, it may heal up, but scar tissue still remains. Healing isn’t perfect or complete. Perhaps the knee doesn’t bother you in normal walking or running, but if you go much farther than normal one day or stress the knee in some other unexpected way, the stress may reawaken the old injury. You have to take care of your body, mind, and soul daily to keep those old wounds from turning into a new injury and to remain in a spiritually positive place.
Same with awakening experiences. The joy and soul connection with the divine, other souls, and nature are powerful and may last a long time, but eventually life’s challenges can cause it to fade, especially if some new trauma arises or you are not taking care of the whole person daily. Even when you are doing all the right things, life is still life with its many challenges, and those old trauma scars keep you vulnerable to a new injury.
Eventually a trigger comes along that pulls you out of your awakening mindset and back into the distorted thoughts and emotions of trauma. The analogy some friends and I use for the cycle of struggling and recovering is an upward spiral. That spiral still turns, even when you have had powerful spiritual experiences and a strong sense of being loved by the divine universe. Eventually you come back to the struggle.
The good news is that pain becomes less with each turn of the spiral back to struggle. You learn new lessons that help you overcome your pain. And the joys of awakening return and increase your peace each time the spiral comes back around to the healing and awakening side. Perhaps the cycle will eventually end, and awakening joy will remain permanent. I’m inclined to think not. Life is still life. The emotional scars are still there and can still be revisited in moments of inattentive awareness, leading to struggle. In the same way, we still have the tools that healed and awakened us initially, and the memory of what awakening feels like. With a little renewed spiritual effort, we can return to a joyful upward spiritual path and connection with the divine.
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