Alone in the Dark with The Devil

I’m a night owl.

The thing is, when I’m alone in the dark, my brain goes into hyper-drive. Thoughts moving through my head at the speed of light can be an amazing experience, but like most things, there is a downside to my brain’s hyper-drive capabilities. Sometimes the thoughts are too fast to grasp, and the one that is the worst is what we will call “The Devil.” It is a single thought that even though it is moving at light speed can poison my whole thought stream.

It might sound small but the thought is simple at first. Something like, your thumbs are too big. This single thought then turns all my other thoughts against me, and now I am alone in the dark with The Devil.

Now instead of a single thought, I deal with every thought as a hostile invader. My heart races, I search the room for anything that will snap me out of this hyper-drive of negative thoughts. Everyone is asleep and there is nothing to do; I’m trapped!

The thoughts flood over me, they say I’m too this, or not enough that. All I can do is weather this storm, all I can do is face The Devil. I grit my teeth as wave after wave of thoughts wash over me…

“I can’t do this…”

“It’s too much…”

I close my eyes, take a breath, feel the chair under me, hear the fan humming, and smell the night air.

The thoughts slow and I get out of their way. I let them go and I watch as they pass; they take The Devil with them.

I’m at peace now, but I am also very tired. The experience has left me drained, so I go to bed.

This was my reality until about 6 months ago. I would find myself in an overwhelming head-space that would last all night. It was one wave after the next, nothing would stop it.

Then my counselor showed my some mindfulness exercises, to be truthful I thought they would never work. I tried it and it helped a little at first then a little more and a little more; now I pretty much swear by mindfulness.

I’m not going to say it will work for everyone the way it worked for me but I would recommend it.

Now when I’m alone in the dark and I run into The Devil I have a way out.