Rachel A. McCartney
Jun 13 · 3 min read

By Rachel McCartney

About 6 years ago I got kicked in the groin. It was bad enough that I was out of work for a week and had to have an ultrasound. At my last doctor’s appointment, I was told it would still be painful for a little while. 2 years later it still hurt. I went for a new ultrasound and I was told they saw nothing wrong and that sometimes they just hurt. For the last 6 years, I have dealt with pain and how it just wears you out. Last week I missed a step taking the laundry down. I landed gracefully on my right foot laid the hamper down and spun on one foot then I stuck the landing. Not even joking it would have made Michelle Kwan jelly. In the aftermath of my little fall. My heel started to hurt then my calf. The next morning they hurt even more. Today they hurt until they got stretched out. there isn’t anything I can do to make it better just have to deal with it.

How many times do we tell ourselves just to deal with it, when it comes to pain? Not just physical pain but all pain. For the last 14 years, I have carried the pain of losing my father. Lori and I had only been married a few months and my world came crashing down around me. It was a pain I have written about here. It still brings tears to my eyes. I just have to deal with it, right? That is the only option. Take my pain and stuff it deep down and just deal with it. I was taught to never show weakness to never show if you are hurt. The problem is the pain can’t go away if you hide it. When you push the pain down you trap it and it has nowhere to go but to eat at you. Then the pain gets out in ways we never intended. It becomes anger and rage. Maybe it causes us to withdraw. The pain will always try to rob you. And the only thing we can do is let it out. Talk about it, I know it isn’t easy. I still struggle with talking about my pain. For me, I have to remind myself that being in pain doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means you have been hurt and everyone has been hurt. Most of us try to hide it. I know I do. But I now see that in order to move past my pain I have to face it.

Face the rejection and the loss. Face the broken promises and the lies. Take the power out of the pain. We have to stop listening to the pain. We have to start seeing the world in new ways where pain doesn’t tint our view. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves and acknowledge the pain we carry. We need to stop being scared of sharing our pain.

I guess I’ll start. My name is Rachel, I carry pain from the loss of my father, the judgment of my family, and so much more. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t think anyone really cares. I don’t want to be a bother. I have always tried to hide my pain. I have always been other people’s rock. I have let others deal with their pain and hidden mine. Sometimes the pain is too much and I can’t hold it in anymore. I cry and feel like a failure. I know I’m not alone I know that others look around and think they are alone in this. I’m right here with you. We can make it. We just have to work together.

The Transition Transmission

The place to embrace the Triumphs and Tribulations of those who Transitioned and risked everything to live authentically.

Rachel A. McCartney

Written by

The Transition Transmission

The place to embrace the Triumphs and Tribulations of those who Transitioned and risked everything to live authentically.

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