My Journey to Allie:
“Can I really do this?”
Note: Because of the volume of things and changes going on during this time period, I know that things bounce around a bit. Everything described in this post took place between October 2017 and March 2018, which were the first five months of both my transition and time on Hormone Therapy.
After I came out to my parents in the Fall of 2017, one of the largest reasons to not transition or to be afraid of doing so had vanished. Especially given that within a matter of days, everyone in my family knew what was going on because my parents told them. I wasn’t even the one to break the news to my own brother- my Mother told him and initially put him in the middle of choosing siding with them in disgust and shock, or the role of an accepting sibling. Thankfully, he chose the second option. My wife was also demonized as my parents believed that she was somehow to blame for this predicament and that by being supportive, she had driven me to make this choice.
While I self medicated low dose HRT for less than a week, I made the choice to go to Planned Parenthood to begin HRT via prescription and informed consent (Though after a few months, I found a new general practicioner who would monitor blood work and levels more closely and adjust dosages accordingly). Informed Consent means that a responsible adult of sound mental facilities, made aware of the risks and effects of a particular treatment, may engage in such under a doctor’s care. After I picked up the prescription and went home, I opened the bottles and stared at the small tan Spironolactone tablets that would make my Testosterone whittle away to next to nothing and the small oval shaped estradiol tablets that would bring about the mental/emotional peace and physical changes that I had desired for so long. I took them as directed and enjoyed a brief moment of comfort in knowing that I had taken a huge step.
From October 2017 to the first few months of the new year marked the beginnings of what I would call a “trial-by-fire” period for me. I was still known to so many people in my gym as “one of the bros” because I had tried so hard and for so long to fit into that world. And now I was even more aware of just how out of place I was in this steroid-fueled, testosterone-driven, mecca of enlarged egos and creatine saturated muscles. I truly loved to work out and I still do to this day, but I knew that both my motives for doing so and the methods I used would be different now. It didn’t take long for other to notice my much calmer and more passive demeanor, nor did it take long to be asked “How come you look like you are shrinking?” when the extra water and nitrogen started to be depleted from my muscles and I lost my “24/7 pumped up look”.
During this time at work, I slowly but deliberately made a shift to a softer, more androgynous look. In my mind, I could take advantage of the colder weather of this time of year to allow me to adjust and cover up if I was nervous or self conscious about any new changes before I was ready to be more open with my other peers or coworkers. So my previous “smedium” (as the bros call them) Express Polo shirts that I previously wore to look “jacked” were replaced with more colorful button ups, and eventually some softer cut, often colorful sweaters. I started adding simple accessories. I had pierced my ears years before and started wearing them to work. Thin belts, some gender neutral scents. A touch of BB cream and a thin strip of eye liner to go along with my shaped brows and ever so slightly tinted lip balm. Lets not forget a sports bra under my sweater or shirt to hide what was increasingly obvious otherwise after the first time I put on an old white t-shirt and said to myself “Holy hell, this stuff is apparently doing things”.
When my office closed up for a break during the period of Christmas Eve to the new year, I had my first taste of what going full-time could be like. I took every opportunity to be myself, even if I wasn’t overly bold yet. I would wear very obvious- but still clean and classy- makeup, I would wear female snow boots, bracelets, and gender neutral things like plaid shirts or dark slim fit jeans. It was almost heartbreaking when I had to go back to work and tone that down a few notches, for what I assumed then to be an indefinite period of time. It was during this time that I came out to remaining friends and family on Facebook, receiving a surprising amount of acceptance and support. Only my co-workers and employers were left.
Regarding HRT, I noticed the first effects within the first week. A sense of calm, passive peace that I had never had before coupled with a drop in the aggression that I had known my whole adult life. Within the first two to three months, I not only saw my muscle mass start to decrease, but also noticed my skin begin to soften and acquire what appeared to be a soft, light glow to it as well as my first signs of breast growth. I noticed that as I became more comfortable with myself, my body language almost changed on its own without my even consciously doing so. For example, on one occassion, my wife pointed out during a conversation that I was standing with one hip tilted out and that I was holding my hand in the cliche “limp wristed” manner. She jokingly quoted the movie “Deadpool” with “All the Dinosaurs feared the T-Rex, huh?”
Through it all, while there were many unknowns in our relationship, her support remained constant and she would often tell me of how protective she was of my safety and emotional well being during this particularly vulnerable time. She knew that I lacked confidence and that I was trying to learn as I went and was very self aware of making a fool of myself. She told me that I was actually a much more enjoyable person to be around and that she could really appreciate not only the new sense of openness that we had between each other, but also my seeming to have a totally different demeanor. Where before I would become withdrawn, snappy, or have an attitude when my thoughts got the best of me- I now had the start of a happy, almost bubbly or giddy personality. I would have moments of euphoria where I would be prancing around the house giggling just because I noticed a new change and for that one fleeting moment was distracted about how far I had yet to go.
The day after my birthday, on February 9th 2018, I had only been on Hormone Therapy for 4 months. If anyone in my workplace had noticed or had seen anything, I had observed no signs to indicate so. I also work in an office of all males (typically) with A-type personalities who have tunnel vision and likely don’t observe what a co-worker is wearing on any given day. That day like many days, my boss’s wife and the company CFO walked to my office and asked how I was. She and I have always been able to talk about things like what was going on in our lives and during conversations leading up to this one, I had carefully been testing the waters with different topics and such to gauge her responses. She knew that I was having some family issues with my parents regarding “how I wanted to live my life”, but I hadn’t elaborated. We had talked about people we knew coming out and how everyone has a right to be themselves.
Until now, I had dreaded the possibility of coming out at work and had been fearful of losing my job, as my State and City had no laws against discriminating LGBT people in either hiring or firing. However, during this conversation with a surprisingly observant and accepting individual, I noticed a few hints from her that indicated that she had indeed noticed a change in my appearance and demeanor, as well as her words “No matter who you choose to be, you need to feel comfortable and have a right to do so. Because it really has no bearing on your ability to do your job, and everyone has a right to be happy.”
Upon hearing this, I took a deep breath, smiled and said “I think you have a pretty decent idea of what’s going on, don’t you?” She smiled back and said “Yes, I do. But you seem so much happier lately and I can tell that you are more at ease. We could tell that the masculine bodybuilder thing wasn’t real but this seems to be.” I was essentially able to come out to my employer without ever actually verbally coming out but of course I made my intentions to transition very clear. We agreed that we would take things slow while we notified everyone in the office or whoever worked remotely. That night, my boss called me to say that she had spoken to him at my behest and told me that I had a right to a safe workplace and that he had my back. Over the following weeks, we slowly discussed what was going on with everyone in the company, one at a time, and I went to work as myself for the first time in what marked the start of presenting as female full-time.
Even though the next few months would bring about many more milestones, it was this particular series of events that first allowed me to feel as if I was finally able to experience a sense of freedom that I had only ever imagined in my most quiet moments and gave me some semblance of hope for what the following months would bring.
*To be Continued*
If you are interested in my story, you can follow me on Instagram under the user “avidlyallie”. I have taken the approach of leaving my entire pre-transition life up to the present visible. If you look back a ways, one can see every back and forth, up and down, subtle hint as I came to understand and admit who I was.
