My Journey to Allie:

“I think I can, I think I can!”

Note: This takes place from the time I came out at work (February 2017) until now (August 2018) and covers the most recent 6 months of Transition.

I count the moment I first came to my workplace on March 15 as my authentic self as the moment at which I began living and presenting as full-time female. I had come out several weeks prior and once we (management and myself) had made sure that everyone in my office knew what was going on, I had been slowly building up to this like a sort of crescendo. This taking things to a new level of vulnerability and openness for me. I was nervous but regardless, I had and continue to have a positive and overall accepting experience in the workplace (in the heart of Conservative Montana, no less!), with the exception of only minor amounts of awkwardness at first or people dead-naming me by accident. I count myself fortunate in this regard because it could have been much worse and no doubt is for many out there.

I recall being nervous as the Spring approached because I knew that with temperatures rising, so would my inability to hide my changing body behind layers or a jacket. At this point, though “girl-mode” had become my new norm, I was still self conscious and aware that I could be judged at every opportunity by those I encountered in daily life. I knew that I would need to dredge up some new levels of confidence in myself as well as thick skin to deal with potential harassment. Thankfully, my worry was exaggerated. The weather warmed, and I adapted at my own pace without incident. I found ways to address my dysphoria based on a situational basis, rather than dreading each moment of every day before it had even begun. As we all do, I encountered, and still do encounter, the occasional sneer or stare. But I figure that is a small price to pay to finally be able to have the freedom to be myself visibly and openly.

In the past few months since then, I have achieved many milestones that have increased my confidence tremendously:

• Began working with a new Doctor who has worked with me to get my Hormone levels to where they need to be and monitored my blood work diligently.
• With my loving wife by my side, I was able to get my name legally changed. I recall being close to tears as the Judge approved, looked at me with a smile, and said “Good luck, Ma’am”.
• I was able to get both my name and Gender Marker changed on both my Drivers License and Birth Certificate. This was hugely validating as the ability to say that I am female in the eyes of the law is huge and could no doubt be invaluable in a situation like if , for example, the proper bathroom to use were every to be called into question by a hostile person.
• I have continued Laser Hair Removal and recently started Electrolysis to get the remaining persistent areas. I have next to no beard shadow left and it is wonderful to not need as much foundation as an 80’s Hair Band musician would wear in order to conceal it on my face. Now a little is more than enough!
• I was able to participate and become a more active member in the online Transgender Community, via Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, and now this very publication that you are reading now. If I can be an example or inspiration to even one person and can help them find the courage to be or continue to be themselves, than I will be content.
• Greatly repaired my relationship with my Mother, who struggled greatly when I came out initially. She refers to me as “she/her”, uses my chosen name, and views me as her daughter. The fact that she genuinely makes an effort is incredibly validating and tremendously appreciated.
• While I continue to be self conscious and struggle with dysphoria at times, I was able to muster the courage to allow myself to be seen in a dress. I always told myself that I was “too muscular” or that I would look “ridiculous”. Well…I think I am most comfortable in dresses now because the concept of a classy, feminine presentation has become quite freeing and enjoyable and I am able to feel more at ease with not fitting into the boxes that society has placed on women as a group. I am also proud to be a physically strong woman when we are told so often that we must be small, emaciated, and weak.

I have adopted the mindset that given my area of residence, and the fact that there are relatively few Transgender people living in plain sight in my City, let alone in the State of Montana- that I have an opportunity to be a sort of ambassador for the cause. I can show that we are not sexual deviants out to sneak a peak at women’s private parts in the bathroom (of course there are always weirdos and sick individuals in this world and of all walks of life!), we are not confused, we are not predatory, and we are not all “freaks” out to shock the public and draw attention to ourselves. I have an opportunity to smile, allow interacting with me to not be any different from a cis-gendered individual, and to grant a chance to show that we are simply people, with feelings and emotions that are just as valid and real as anyone's.

It is the development (work in progress!) of this mindset that is increasingly granting me the ability to work outside a label. I don’t have to put as much focus on “passing” as I can on simply “being”. I think that for someone who lived a hyper-masculine adolescence, began transitioning in her early 30’s, with average resources with which to transition that I should be thankful for where I am at, especially after such a short time no less! I continue to move forward, some days at a snails pace with some future goals seemingly out of reach at times, but always in the right direction. I think that to be given the opportunity to do so is a blessing in and of itself, so that is exactly what I will do!

If you are interested in my story, you can follow me on Instagram under the user “avidlyallie”. I have taken the approach of leaving my entire pre-transition life up to the present visible. If you look back a ways, one can see every back and forth, up and down, subtle hint as I came to understand and admit who I was.