My Journey Towards Coming Out As Transgender
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Today, I came out to the world as a Transgender Woman. Now, we all get to start life in a new normal — or at least I do but hey, I like to self-inflate my importance or something like that.
I’d like to expand upon my social media posts with a deeper story about my life thus far and the discovery process around how my gender identity evolved over time. I hope that this is a story that some of you will find relatable and find some commonality with, especially those struggling with issues of gender identity. I also hope you find some of this educational, especially if you really don’t know much about gender identity issues and transgender people just yet.
Which BTW we are amazing people, have us over for dinner sometime.
My Younger Years
From my youngest memories, there was always this noise present. I never was able to fit into the box people wanted me to fit into.
In Kindergarten, I got in trouble for always messing around in the girl’s costume chest. It had so many pretty clothes and I couldn’t help myself. Guilty as charged.
I was always and awkwardly friends with the girls because I always considered myself one of them, I had clothes that were boys clothes but I couldn’t help but always feel my clothes should match my friends’ even when I was told that wasn’t possible. My thoughts would always turn to what is this boy/girl baloney about anyways?
At the time I didn’t know it, but my little brain was just wired different than other anatomical boys’ brains, and it didn’t match what my outward anatomy said I was. I didn’t understand this and also didn’t understand why I was being told to go over and play in the boys costume chest.
How boring and limiting anyways.
Another tradition I had as a small kid was my Grandma painting my nails. It annoyed my Dad and Grandpa, but it was something that would allow me to feel like one of the girls when my sister got hers painted with me. We’d talk about all the things a four and five year old talks about with your grandma regardless of gender and by God I had a butterfinger candy bar coming at the end of it all so life was good.
But to be quite honest, somewhere in there, I don’t remember why or when, I was told that getting my nails painted was a girls thing and I was a boy. I’m sure I protested, but it didn’t matter. That was the girls thing, and I wasn’t a girl.
Sigh.
I don’t remember much in totality about my childhood. To be honest, trying to remember important things is nearly impossible. The things I do remember are all linked by one thing along a solid string: I was trying to be a girl or wishing I was a girl in just about all of them.
Eventually in each memory, someone comes along to tell me that’s not how it was. I was a boy and the girls were girls and that was that.
I mean, technically I still get that stuff today from certain corners of society, so not much has changed in some respects over the 31 years of my life.
Transgender people don’t make this stuff up. In fact, there are now promising ways to perform brain scans that can tell with a pretty high degree of accuracy if a person is transgender or not. This is our reality, being told by those with no experience walking in our shoes that we are something we deeply feel we are not even though evidence is showing our feelings are not only genuine, but a product of natural biology.
Many trans people eventually figure out how to deal with the ramifications of this prolonged discomfort with ourselves. And honestly, discovering myself sooner certainly would’ve saved me a hell of a lot of time as a child because what came next was pure, unadulterated hell.
Ch-ch-changes
Puberty.
It’s literally the enemy of the (Transgender) State. There’s nothing about going through the wrong puberty as a trans person that is positive. Some of my lowest points in life were during my Middle and High School years.
I had become deeply closeted due to a number of factors including growing up in a super small town in rural Oklahoma. And honestly, I had no resources or help in knowing how the heck to deal with all of these emotions.
My range of emotions was anything from am I a sinner or a bad person to do I need to actually be in a psych ward?
Even as a beginner to the teenager game I knew something wasn’t right, even if at the time I didn’t have the langugage or vocabulary kids today do.
Imagine in the 2000s, hearing people say all sorts of terrible things about Gay People in a town that’s almost completely racially and socioeconomically homogenous with a deep strand of fundamentalist Christianity running through it — and feeling these feelings of gender incongruence.
Not only was I an other, I was probably also bound for an intervention or (worse) hellfire. I was certain God was out to punish me at every corner because of my feelings and that I simply had to bear the burden of dealing with feelings that weren’t ‘normal’.
I kept finding new layers to closet myself within.
All the while, puberty in the wrong body was happening. I remember when my voice started to change. It was horrible. My hair started growing in places I didn’t want it to, which was just terrible. Then my face changed.
Ugh.
Luckily, by some stroke of genetic lottery, I didn’t masculinize as much as other boys going through puberty did, which was secretly a great thing, though at the time I didn’t realize it.
During this period, I see-sawed between having really great grades and being one of the smartest kids you’d know to having pretty average grades, being sucked into video game worlds as a form of escapism, but still being one of the smartest kids you’d know.
Disassociation and escapism were probably the only ways I survived school in my hometown. While there were certainly positive aspects of growing up where I did — most of that is overshadowed by the fact that I was held back severely by the culture I grew up in, and because of that I lived a life less than I could have had because I was forced to repress who I was.
Trans people have a high incidence rate of mental health issues such as anxiety (guilty) and depression (guilty). Studies have shown most of these can be attributed to the culture we live in treating us terribly. Cultural acceptance can lead to much better outcomes for all people, and especially trans people.
A girlfriend in high school was a laughable fantasy. I was so awkward and uneasy with myself. I had some great girl friends, but no girlfriends.
Trying to date a girl expecting a boy when I wasn’t comfortable being a boy or how I should even be wasn’t happening. Faking masculinity but not knowing how to do that really wasn’t really working either. So it was kind of a time when I just gave up on the whole idea by the end of it.
High School is where I met Sara and we became instant good friends. Everyone expected us to date but I wasn’t her type (at the time) and I honestly would’ve messed it up anyways. So we talked as friends about everything (except you know, that one thing). And talked. And talked some more. All the way to…
The College Years
In college I was already my own boss in terms of a career.
So amidst all this background noise and dealing with the fact I didn’t ‘fit’ and thought I was probably a sinner bound for hell or a psych ward — I was still finding ways to be successful in the traditional sense.
The religion thing definitely crept up in college too.
I faced several huge swings in how I felt about the Church. I went from being in the church and learning I hated it because the answers I had were unanswerable by the dogma so many Churches that I attended ascribed towards — and then loving Church because I felt I had a real, genuine connection to the divine at times in my younger years.
The religious aspect of a transition for someone of faith is a difficult one. The best advice I have is don’t wait on your church to meet you where you are, go find a community that’s already there and ready for you to arrive. Some communities certainly have a regressive view of trans issues, which is regrettable as it does cause a lot of damage both towards society and for trans people who don’t fit inside of a tight, American-made box of constructed ideas of human gender that is not of the divine.
Sara was there too during college and our conversation continued. We’d talk theology, politics, and more as both of our worldviews shifted dramatically in this time. We even came close to dating — but it wasn’t meant to be. Not yet.
The seven year period from college to just after, I could never come to terms with myself because toxic theology mixed with a lot of self doubt really kept me from going any further.
My depression, anxiety, and overall angst was never higher.
Depression, The Downward Spiral, Coming Back
No one I’ve talked to in the period just after the college years ended realized I was seriously depressed.
No one asked. I’m convinced no one really wanted to know.
Don’t assume people are fine.
This reality of feeling something so deeply but also being told that being trans was something I was a terrible person for, I basically became a recluse as a vicious mental cycle turned.
I had friends I didn’t believe would understand or worse throw me out — so I just felt better separating myself from them voluntarily.
I know now this was a foolish mistake as my friends have been amazing allies in the past months, weeks, and days.
I’d go to a social event every now and then, return home to my hell. The world expected Chris and I was going to give him to them.
No matter the cost.
Suicide is a big problem within the trans community because of this mental-cycle of isolation and fear snowballing on you either before or even after coming out.
I wish coming out were a fix all but it typically is just another step in the journey for many people. After feeling so much angst about their identity, some trans people find an enormous amount of courage to come out only to be be rejected by everyone around them and then finding themselves living in a fresh, new hell of isolation, fear, and angst.
Then if you are truly unlucky you are also living within a state like Oklahoma, where transgender people can be denied housing, jobs, or service for simply being themselves and coming to terms with all of this.
People have dealt with this struggle, found the bravery to come out — only to be thrown onto the street without a job, without resources, and without the friendship connections they once enjoyed.
Most people who decide against transitioning permanently do so because of these pressures and not because they don’t have genuine feelings. Truthfully, this was my greatest fear a year ago which I’m thankful didn’t come to pass.
Those who mount the courage to make the jump, do so not knowing what they will face down into the darkness. Perhaps its light, perhaps its a deep tunnel of darkness that only gets darker.
Sadly society has the ability to make that tunnel full of light for every trans person and for the most part it’d take only a small shred of human decency out of everyone to do so.
Personally, while I never considered suicide on a real level — had I continued my isolation and reclusive nature, I probably wouldn’t be here today. Things were snowballing on me but something changed everything in 2012…
Sara
My darkest time was in 2012. The storm season (BTW I chase tornadoes, or have in my time) had gone quiet in May and my best friend Sara from high school, then college, then beyond, was completely across the world in Nepal.
But my life changed with one simple message from this perky girl who always somehow always manged to match my wits appeared:
“We’ve been best friends for 10 years. And it took all this time for me to realize I love you. And I want to come back home and marry you.”
This was basically the message in the tl;dr form (it was much longer trust me).
I was floored and of course said yes. I had always loved this girl. Dream come true right here.
Then the panic set in.
It was basically something like, “Holy shit, I just told my best friend I loved her. We are going to get married. She thinks I’m Chris. She doesn’t know about any of this stuff I’ve been dealing with my whole life. Would this girl even understand?”
My survival instinct kicked in. Truthfully it was somewhat selfish at the time but hey, I really do love Sara and had for years and it’s worked out amazingly in the end. But…
I made the stupidest decision of a long string of stupid decisions and decided I was going to be a man to make this work. Grow my beard out, be macho, and be a good husband for my wife Sara. I had made it 25+ years, what was another 25?
I lasted two years before the facade started breaking down. It was always going to break down. Especially when she knew me a little too well…
When The Facade Crashes
Looking back my wife is the greatest human being I know.
I upheld this facade of faux-masculinity until a fateful two week period in March of 2015.
My Mom, whom was battling her own demons, finally succomb to them. In that that moment, she was gone.
Facade gone. My ability to hold it together, done. My desire to keep going on like this, finished.
It was too much.
Other than Sara, my Mom was my best friend. I didn’t realize it at the time but we had what many would classify as a pretty classic mother/daughter relationship. We went shopping, talked about everything, and I even got extra Christmas presents (sorry siblings).
My best friend was gone forever. I couldn’t help her and she wasn’t going to be there to help me.
My walls I had built up were crumbling around me. Sara knew. I knew. So I decided to have the conversation I needed to have with my other best friend.
When I finally broke down to Sara about basically everything you just read, she was unphased. No repulsion. No audible or visual doubts.
She simply said, “I love you so much. And it sounds like you need to go get some counseling.”
So therapy is what I did.
The first appointment was laughably awkward. Flat out my Therapist asked, “Why are you here?” Gulp.
“Uhhhhh, I don’t feel like a man.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel like a girl.”
“Ok, explain that more.”
*awkward silence*
It got a little better from there, and the road to self discovery and putting words to genuine feelings I held had begun.
Seriously, if you suspect you are trans find a really great therapist who understands trans issues. Its worth it to put words and phrases onto things you’ve always felt in a safe space that’ll challenge you and encourage you to seek answers.The great ones will help you decide what’s best for you in a positive and affirming way, while also arming you with resources on a path forward. They’ll never stand in the way but be there alongside you as you come to decisions as to what is best for you. You are your own expert when it comes to identity.
If you are in a toxic community, find an accepting one. Search like hell. Demand acceptance because its the least others can provide.
Never ever never give up. There are terrible people in this world who can be terrible to those of us with trans identities, but there are great people that will be there for you even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. You are valuable and loved, do not doubt your identity you feel so deeply, even as a 3 year old kid getting in trouble for playing in the right costume chest.
You are valid.
I’m a lucky one. Sara has been here with me the whole way. She’s supported me. Loved me. Accepted me. We’re truly best friends and life partners. We’ve recommitted ourselves to each other. We love each other more fully than ever.
A lot of transgender people come out to their spouses and face rejection and abandonment. I got a better relationship than before out of the deal. For that I am forever grateful to this amazing woman I married and hope to continue to return that love in kind until my last.
Crossing the Line
About 18 months ago I committed to this extensive process of transitioning. The timing had to be right, but myself and Sara have known since then this is what is coming.
Both therapy and hormone replacement therapy (HRT) have been the two medical miracles which have saved my life.
Had I gone any longer than I did trying to keep a facade up I do not know what would have happened to me. Being trans and getting proper treatment from therapists and doctors who understand transgender health and transition related issues is a life saver.
Trans-friendly and affirming care is also something that should be a lot easier to access. The fear and stigma around transition is something that has to end because it is costing real lives. Trans lives are valid.
Another thing that has been a blessing to me is most of my immediate family and friends have both accepted and embraced my new identity. This has been, again, where I am way lucky and I do not want to make light of the fact many don’t get that type of an opportunity.
I credit the fact my coming out has gone so well with the fact I stand on the shoulders of those who came before me. It is easier to come out and be yourself more than ever, and I have benefitted from the hard work of those who advocated for me without even knowing who I was and me not knowing them.
I have found acceptance and embrace with so many because of the Trans people who came before me and experienced the worst, even unto death. I can only hope to make it that much easier for the next generation. We have a lot of work to do on that front and I am excited to get moving.
It is impossible to describe dysphoria then euphoria to those who’ve never walked through it — but imagine feeling something like a homesickness that never ceases and only gets worse as you go on in life. When you are gender dysphoric, you feel out of place both with where you are and within yourself all at the same time.
In many ways you are a stranger to yourself at all times and you are constantly fighting against yourself.
I was just commenting to Sara about now that things are aligned how much more I can stop and literally hear the chirping of the birds, the smell of the flowers, the sight of a pretty sunset. Before that stuff was there, but entwined within static. That noise is gone, I can finally just…be.
For the first time in my life I am whole. I am free to live as who I know myself to be. And I am excited about the future in ways I never thought I could be. My name is Raychel Sanner, and for the first time in my life, I am finally me.
