Your Transition is Magick
How to Make HRT & Self-Care a Ritual for Honor and Change
Aleister Crowley famously wrote that, “Magick is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity to will…the science of understanding oneself and one’s conditions. It is the art of applying that understanding in action.”
For me I have embraced the ideas of magick and witchcraft in 2019 and have found that my own transition is a magick that I have sought after my entire life. When I was born, I was born with a rare chromosome and hormonal anomaly that gendered me in some ways male, and some ways female. My body internal waged this battle of male versus female, and my soul and mind consistently told me that I was a woman, even as my physical body battled against it. After years of fighting I embraced the truth that I was transgender and began my own process of coming out, researching HRT, doctors, and the best affirming medical practices in the Triangle are of North Carolina. I have now been out for three whole years, and on HRT for about 20 months, the first 12 on pills, and the last eight on injections.
Now, being trans in the South is a riot. Literally, you never know what you will encounter at work, in a public place, or what crazy conservative Christian will show up on your doorstep, witness and demonize you. So with that in mind I have seen my transition as Crowley states as the art and science of bringing forth my own change, or more importantly, my own coming home to myself.
When I first posted my sharps holder on social media, I captioned it:
“ My Saturdays always include a ritual to honoring myself. Each prick brings me closer to home.”
And that is true. In the midst of the world around me, being myself has been about honoring who I need to be, who I need to become, and refusing to let others ever force that to be hidden again.
As such I wanted to share with you my ritual for honoring myself, as I do my weekly hormone injections. It is my hope that it can give you a starting point for a way to celebrate your own body, and your own journey and that it will show you that HRT is as we always say truly magical, because it is science and art coming together to bring into reality what has always been true.
So for me the process begins with grounding, I like to put in my headphones, and listen to some Celtic meditation music. This reminds me of my ancestors, the bold, and brave that fought so I could live. It reminds me of the Goddess and here procession through the year, as Maiden, Mother, and Crone. That like the Goddess I am on a trajectory and I am in process.
As I listen to the music to soothe I light a few candles. I light a white candle for purifying and for the reminder of Spirit, and I also light a red candle for Lilith or Brigid, sometimes both, and occasionally a blue candle imbued with a rune for my name, and a sigil for truth and justice. Why these? The white candle I use to remind me that I am walking into purity of person, and am engaging in my own process for birthing a pure true soul from the battles she has fought. I thank the Goddess and the Divine for their hands in my life and ask her to be present as I honor myself. Secondly, I thank Lilith as she is the Mother Goddess of the abused and discarded, the first wife of biblical Adam that would not be a tool, a pawn, or a slave to a man she was refused and rejected by Adam and yet in her rejection she found the strength of power to rise and be stronger than before. She became a woman of power and was feared by Adam and his offspring. Additionally I honor my Celtic Goddess heritage in Brigid, she is the Goddess of fire, women warriors, and passion and creativity. She reminds me that from fire the impurities are borne away, that I am and always will be her warrior, and that I have rights to passionately love, and create. These two represent the rejection from family that I have experience in the last three years, and the unbeatable power to rise above it, and create myself as I have always been a woman of untapped power.
Once I spend time reflecting on the Goddess and the meditation I move toward the bathroom, and begin the process of cleaning myself, my tools, and medication. Knowing that I have been purified, and that I am now using art to meld with science to bring forth me I spend time reflecting on each tool, each syringe, and the vial of Estrogen that my brain thrives on. Finally, I say a quick thank you to the divine, and inject, and reflect as the medicine slowly leaves the syringe.
I remove the syringe, clean again and wipe away any blood. I thank the blood, for the power of life, and thank my ancestors, and the Goddess. I put away my tools, have a ritual shower, and continue with my weekend.
I am empowered, emboldened, and alive.
I am a witch, and this witch will continue to find her way home, one prick, one candle, and one drop of blood and estrogen at a time.
So when you take time each week, or each day to proceed with your HRT regimen take time to honor you, and the process. You are brave, bold, and amazing for each step you take! I am so glad to share this path and journey with each of you too.