Can I leave now ?
Breakaway from an active denial mode.
After watching the 2009 biographical sports drama “The Blind Side,” I couldn’t resist thinking about an interesting question the hero, Big Mike, asks a couple of times in the movie “Can I leave now ?”
Big Mike went through a rough childhood, and his life changed when a generous family took him under their wings and supported his sports career. However, his past always cast a shadow on his behaviors and thoughts. Whenever he had to face challenging issues, he looked for ways to withdraw from the scene.
He unconsciously trained his mind to frame every situation in life as a problem that he couldn’t solve, and he needed a way to leave the scene!
Do we also have such moments at work where we seek a way out?
Escape from reality?
“Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be”.
Jack Welch
At work, we encounter several situations which are stressful and emotionally draining. Sometimes missing promotion opportunities, a toxic work environment, or restrictive management can keep us away from our destiny, and we remain in active denial.
Characteristics of being in active denial — catch yourself now.
- Emotional shut down: Feeling a sort of numbness, not feeling present. No energy to express our true feelings. Not finding much value to even share our concerns.
- Walking away: Pull back from the scene and withdraw. Sometimes this is a decent escape strategy to reflect and gain control. If the outcome is a sustained withdrawal, it is not healthy.
- Justify the state: We tend to find good reasons to justify the situation and console ourselves. At the outset, it looks like an excellent strategy to find good in every situation. However, it can take you back to your mediocre comfort zone and deny a potential breakaway opportunity.
- Reinforce active denial: Our brain’s neural network is actively looking to reinforce our mental models. Every time we act on it, it gets more robust. So when we shut down, walkway and justify remaining in denial, we are essentially reinforcing the response pattern in the brain. So next time, you will be even more comfortable acting the same way — a downward spiral in the making.
If we observe ourselves deliberately, we can catch the above patterns and explore ways to break away from active denial by leveraging a structured approach,
- Embrace the reality: We all have our unique ways of denying, brushing off, and twisting the reality. Some of us minimize; others distort the truth so that the situation looks better than what it is. What you resist persists. So it is better to accept the reality. Be bold to look at the mirror.
- Deconstruct to reconstruct: Follow the famous First Principles approach. Rather than using the typical comparative analysis, break down the situation into basic elements and develop an objective reality. Train yourself to step back and look at it from a drone eye lens. For example, Assume you were passed up for a “well-deserving” promotion opportunity, try asking the following questions to yourself,
What is your understanding of the criteria for that promotion?
What is your readiness against it?
What are the stake holder’s expectations from you?
What visible contributions have you made?
Are you concerned as someone else got it, or do you believe you really deserved it?
What is at stake for you at this juncture?
- Validate your assumptions: For us to be really objective, we need to validate our assumptions. So next step is to search for the facts. We can get it from existing documentation, company rule books, or ask the management. Ask to understand, not to challenge. End of the day, you are trying to make an objective assessment. Not to prove anyone wrong.
- List down options: Now that we understand reality, it is time to look at our options. Think about our long-term career goals, talents, current environment, industry directions, and list your options in the order of preference. It is a good practice to allow few days to relook/revise this list. It will help us to make it sound.
- Take action: Take the first step towards your preferred option. It could simply be signing up for a course to reskill yourself, finding a mentor, working on your time management skills, or talking to some of your industry experts to understand potential opportunities. The key is to get started.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi
Nothing changes unless we open up, make a deliberate mental shift that gives us a new way of operating or seeing the world. Change comes from seeing our situation with an objective lens, not taking it personally, and then moving to build an entirely fresh experience for ourselves.
At the end of the movie “The Blind Side”, Big Mike indeed faces his reality and owns it up. He goes back to the college admissions investigator to clear up his stand and moved forward with his plans to join his family’s favourite school team.
How long do we need to wake up and face our reality?.
Can that day to be today ?
