Millennials F*in Sick of Articles about Millennials

In a recent survey conducted over Snapchat, 75% of my followers said they were sick of articles that generalize about millennials. That’s right, betches. My friends fill out my surveys.

“What the Fug is a Millennial anyway?” asked my friend Rhonda, who is double majoring in Bio and Hermetics, posting on my Insta. Interestingly, no one replied to her question except through emoji.

❤

how do I do bullets in Medium??!!

As it turns out, the term Millennials was first used by Gen X-ers who were tired of people comparing them unfavorably to The Greatest Generation.

“I don’t see what makes them so great either,” said my mom, a Gen Xer, “They’re spending all my social security money, which I was hoping to blow at the casino the way they do.”

Surveys of Gen Xers were not filled out because they’re too busy trying to recover their lost youth.

“Yeah, my mom makes fun of my #selfie taking,” Snapchatted Cassie, “but she’s worn my selfie stick to a nub. A little nub. Makes it hard to get the down angle just right.”

Self-proclaimed Selfie Expert “Coach” Mark Marino says, “Millennial as a term is used to help contain the anxiety among the elderly about technologies that they don’t really know how to use.”

“I didn’t say ‘elderly,’” added Marino, as he rubbed his aching rheumatoid knees.

“What’s the point of even having generations anyway?” asked Carlos over WhatsApp, who’s otherwise a douche. (HMU, okay?)

Digging deeper into sociological abstracts, it appears generations solely serve the purpose of making people feel alienated from their peers and for marketing nostalgic shit to them on MTV/VH1, the History Channel, and
Me TV.

“I interviewed many people in The Greatest Generation,” said Tom Brokaw, “and they had the same trouble keeping their false teeth in their mouths. Did get some great Gold Bond powder rub downs, though.”

So there you have it.

Stop calling us millennials!

(But Carlos, call me. Really. You douche.)