My Bipolar Self Part -2
Still very much alive and kicking.
Today really is not much different from yesterday. I woke up because of someone (pretty sure it was my grandson, the monster child) opening the basement door to where I was having a wonderful, peaceful sleep. Now I can hear every blessed thing they are doing upstairs, its almost like they don’t want me to be at peace and well rested.
I have to move out of here, I am not respected, nor do I feel loved. I do feel that I am expected to do everything, and when I work my ass off my bitchy daughter does not appreciate it, and becomes angry and even jealous that I did so much for her, its time to go. It is making me feel even more mentally ill than I already am! Sad when your own family takes advantage of who you are. I want to be at peace. Yes I would like to stop this endless torture called life. Yet I know I am missing a huge part of what most people take for granted. True happiness. The kind that comes from within oneself, the kind I most desire to attain. Sometimes in my life I have almost been within reach of happiness, I can see me reaching out and brushing it with the back of my hand, but not quite grasping it.
My Mom also suffered from mental illness, she was clinically depressed, also tried suicide and did not succeed as I have, and did not. She once wrote about depression as falling down a deep, dark, dank hole of despair, hanging by a thread, looking up and seeing your loved ones standing, looking down with arms crossed, not even trying to save you, as if you are doing something wrong when depressed and for that you should be punished. She said attempting suicide was the thread breaking and you continuing to fall forever into total darkness. Coming out of depression is you digging your hands and feet into the side of the hole, clawing your way up, nails and fingers getting cut and bleeding, toes breaking as you ever so slowly climb up the side, looking up your family and friends, arms still crossed backing away from the hole as if disappointed that your putting forth so much effort. It would be easier for them if I just died, then they would not have to worry or play games with me anymore, but that would be being honest, and admitting that they are not as good as they appear to be.
That is definitely one side of the coin, and it is very true, it is happening to me right now, this horrible game of cat and mouse with my daughter, the drunk. I cook, clean, babysit, pick up grandson at school, pay her rent and buy groceries. I feel ripped off, and I know its time for me to go, and get myself a better life, I also know I will be very lonely, and will be alone.
When its convenient for those around me, or when they need my help I am a great Mom, Grandma, sister and friend, but as soon as the need is gone I am not good enough because of my mental illness.
I am scared to be on my own, I haven’t been on my own since my last breakdown. My last suicide attempt. I have lived communally or with my daughter. Its time. I need to move and get away, not because I want or need to ‘show’ my daughter how much she has been depending on me, but because before I die, I want to be happy with myself, and perhaps with a partner. I will never get that opportunity while I live here. I am not even allowed over-night guests. My friends are not good enough because they may have mental illness too and as I see it, a good majority of people have mental illness that has never been diagnosed. Fucking crock of shit.
Being bipolar has been a huge struggle, a daily struggle, but that does not mean its impossible for us to strive for happiness first within ourselves, second with another human being.
Majority of us are good people who blend into society just like the ‘normal’ people do. Huge difference is some of us are far more talented or artistic, musically, in written form, and all other types of art, and some of us are outright brilliant. We want to love and be loved just like you. We don’t want you to give us special attention, but we don’t want to be used either, just because you think you can. Many of us are scholars, we can touch and use parts of our brains that most people can’t. We do have a short somewhere in our wiring. It does NOT make us insane however. It does make us have far more severe depression and mania. We DON’T want sympathy, but we also don’t want you saying or thinking we are like this to get fucking attention, because who the hell would want to die just for attention, I mean REALLY!
Yes, I was ranting, but I am sick of the uneducated, ‘love to hear my own voice’ talking people, acting like they know or have experience in these departments! Unless you live it, you don’t know it! Same goes with your life, I don’t live it nor do I know it, and believe me, I don’t want to. Stop judging, its not your place. Instead of you little gossip mongers talking about other people, use that energy to learn more about these things and start being loving humans.
We say we are trying to understand, and we have all these mental health ‘awareness’ fund raisers and what not, but where the hell are the funds going? I haven’t seen any? Perhaps if people with bipolar had a little more ‘funds’ they could actually try eating healthier, and taking supplements, even try other medicines like acupuncture or naturopaths, so help me out with the ‘funds’ I will be your guinea pig! Stop giving your hard earned fundraiser monies to the pharmaceutical companies and research, start up a place where mentally ill people can get help with the basics instead of leaving a lot of them in poverty.
Let me live, when I need help I will step up and ask for it. Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. If you really must open your big yaps about something learn and educate yourselves first or keep it shut. Parents of bipolar children love them like you do your other children, again, become educated and get help for them and for you, get the tools to make life easier for all, its the best thing anyone can do. We need discipline and guidance like all other kids. As adults don’t let us take advantage of you, we are not dumb, on the other hand if you want a real relationship with someone with bipolar, you need to also educate yourself, have patience, and try to understand the differences.
We can and do love, and want to be loved just like you.
