My Mind Is An Abyss

I swear it never stops, and I am struggling not to walk in front of a bus, so dizzy…….

My bipolar mind makes me so ill some days. It won’t stop even when I want to stop. The group therapist is trying to teach us ‘mindfulness’ , and comparing us to a group of prisoners who learned how to meditate. Fair enough, I do feel like a prisoner in my own mind, and controlling my thoughts is more than a full time job. I am not a criminal though, and not thinking about yesterday, or worrying about if I am going to make it to tomorrow is impossible, yet I do continue to try, I won’t give up.

I strenuously try to listen and learn, but it does not make any sense for my mind. I don’t think this therapist understands how difficult every single day is, and how much work it is just to stay alive, as dying would be so much easier. I would not have to control myself anymore, the ongoing thousand thought per minute would end and I would be at peace and finally resting from the fight to find reasons to stay alive.

My grades per average were 3.9, so I do have a fair bit of intelligence, and that was a very long time ago, I did cocaine (self medicating)the entire time so I could raise three kids, work part time, and have a full coarse load at college. That was a very long time ago but my mind is still the same, even if it has short circuited a few times. Does not really matter how much medication I am on, my day starts the same, with thoughts of death.

I stay alive because I don’t want the last memory of me to be of suicide, to my children, or my grandchildren. I would love,to say that I stay alive for myself, but I don’t. I do believe in God, and an afterlife, there is no question in my mind He, and it exists. I am daily thankful for all the wonderful things in my life, but not for the extra cross I bare.

One day, for the sake of all people diagnosed and not diagnosed, growing up with any kind of mental illness, I pray for you, that something is found that will allow you to live your life with just the regular daily struggles. I pray the doctors, and scientists work together and help make our minds a little easier to live with. For now, I would be their guinea pigs, and ingest whatever they give me to study me and my reactions, the different pills, the different dosages, the many therapies, and therapists. I am tired though, and look forward to rest, and maybe meeting someone to live the rest of my life with who can put up with who I am, and love me for who I am. And I them. Maybe….