Raising You…

Raising a family while coping with mental illness…

I have been told yes, its fine, go ahead and raise a family, when you fall, or fail, I will catch you. That’s too huge of a promise to make to anyone, so now it falls in promises broken made to someone who is mentally ill, and who truly believes you will help, gullible? Naive? I think not, mentally ill yes. Trusting in loved ones, absolutely. Now, because of broken promise, and needing help, no one is there, I am alone, with children, and suicidal, with little to no help. I love my children beyond belief, so I hang on. I self medicate to keep my head bobbing above the water line. My house, becomes so messy, when I look at the mess my mind start to twirl and the mess looks far worse than it really is. I cry myself to sleep, sometimes for hours every single night. I want to die.

I hear you crying at 5 am. , I get up, I had only 2 hours sleep, but that’s all I had the night before…..and the night before that, and so on. I drag myself out of bed, am a walking zombie. Something is different, I feel somewhat better, even energetic. I go and jump on my other childrens beds and tell them to wake up! Mommy has a surprise for you! We are going to clean the house and go on a picnic. I act like I am one of the kids, and the children love it, they are so happy to see me happy! We do a haphazard job at cleaning the house, so excited to go for a picnic! It starts to rain, and I mean pouring rain! I don’t care, I planned this picnic, and its going to happen! We packed our rain gear into the car and all the picnic things, got in and went to the park. Still very much full of energy I get the picnic, the kids, and rain gear all under the sheltered picnic area, and we all run to the swings. I get all of the kids swinging, and I am singing, and then I jump on a swing and start swinging too! I am talking super fast, telling the kids stories, playing with them on the monkey bars, laughing and care free. We are soaking wet, and starving, so we go and have our picnic, then drive home. Two of the kids fell asleep in the car. That’s okay, I will get them in the house, but that isn’t what happens. I just drive, and drive, and sing, I have no place in mind that I am going to……..I will know when I get there.

I end up at my best friends house, across the city, it took an hour to get there. I look up at her house, and think, what if she isn’t home, what if she is in bed? I knock on her door, I didn’t think what I looked like. She opens the door, and said oh my God! What happened? I look down on myself, am soaking wet, am muddy up to my armpits, I look like a mess. I told her what the kids and I had done, the picnic, and the playground, she tells me I’m crazy. I laugh and say why, yes I am! I had not been diagnosed with any mental illness at this time in my life, but hindsight tells me I have been mentally ill all of my life! She helps me bring kids in, he husband is working out of town, thank God, he really doesn’t like me very much. We clean the kids up, give them a snack (they always seemed hungry) and put them to bed in Donna’s spare bedroom. Donna then shoved me into the shower, gave me a housecoat, and threw our muddy clothes into the washing machine. When I got out of shower, we started having drinks, and put a movie on. Donna asks me, “Why in God’s name, did you take the kids on a picnic in the pouring rain?” I told her that I had been miserable for what seemed like weeks, (it really was weeks) and needed to somehow make up for it……plus, some kind of strange energy from who knows where kicked in when I woke up, this energy seems to happen every few weeks, but I don’t put two and two together because it would add up to five, I did not have a clue I was mentally ill. She didn’t have the heart to ask me why I didn’t go home after the picnic, she just gave me a hug. I proceeded to get drunk, as was trying to come ‘down’ from my high to sleep, I was self medicating.

This craziness went on for a few weeks, when the kids would go to bed I would sometimes call up one of the many men who gladly visited me while I was manic. I just didn’t know there was a name for my actions, or that I could get help. Thousands of people don’t know this, and go untreated for years, as I did. It wasn’t till my third suicide attempt that I was diagnosed as bipolar. I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. 50% of us die before the age of 50, of suicide, and stupid accidents,the other 50% die 8 1/2 — 9 years earlier than the average because disease including heart, and diabetes, suicide and cancer, etc. So I am now a bit of an anomoly as I have reached the fine age of 54! Not for lack of being very close to death through disease, and through being suicidal. I cried out for help, but I guess to the wrong people.

My children are all grown up, they didn’t have easy childhoods, and as adults question whether I am able to care for their children, even though I am medicated, and attend therapy off and on for the last few years. I love deeper than most, fight every day to stay alive and to get out of bed (unless manic) and even though I am medicated I still have episodes, but they are not as ‘bad’. I have never beaten my children, although I have neglected them here and there, but never did they go without food or shelter, or unattended when small. They are all productive, responsible loving parents and citizens.

I honestly, in many ways, look back and feel I should never of had children. On the other hand, I can not think of being without my kids and my grandchildren, they are all amazing people, and I couldn’t be prouder than I am. I would never, ever hurt a child, and if I felt myself slipping either way, I would not hesitate to tell my kids I cannot care for my grandkids because of being depressed or manic, and even then, I can still care for them, its a fight, but I have been doing it all my life, I am not stopping now. I believe if there had of been help, and I had been diagnosed earlier, our lives would have been that much better. Would have, could have, should have…… Oh well, I am alive today, I am grateful, and I am fighting to stay this way. I would have been diagnosed earlier had I answered doctors questions honestly, but for me, the things they asked were extremely embarrassing and none of their business, hindsight it was……

If you relate to any of this, answer those awkward questions candidly, don’t hold back, get the help you need, reach out and always love yourself, through everything, your life is very much worth living, and don’t forget it! I will make you a deal, you pay heed to what I have said above, and so will I, if I can do it, you definitely can!