I didn’t need anyone to rescue me, all along

For me to realise this simple fact, so completely, that I feel no shame in writing this as the headline, has taken many, many years.

I’ve been a person who saw ‘no other option’ but to ask for help, any time I got stuck, anywhere in life. I felt this is how you move past the blockers. You simply ask another human to lift it and put it aside! This doesn’t mean being stuck is a bad thing, but, the complete lack of faith in myself, to even try and lift the blocker myself was ME, for the longest time.

What blockers can life possibly throw at you? So many, on a daily basis!

But that’s not the point. From booking a cab to finding a job, the range is vast, but the attitude remained the same. Whenever there were challenging times, I’ve always looked at the horizon to find someone who could drag me out of this pit I’d dug myself into, not realising the super-human strength I’m expecting from that person to carry my extra load.

And, once it becomes a habit, it’s truly hard to stop, isn’t it?

I had no shame in asking people to figure out stuff for me, while I waited for the blockers to magically disappear. It wasn’t magic, but their kindness and generosity that got me past them, every single time. From asking people to get me photocopies of assignments to burdening them with my stresses, without ever looking inside, to find an answer, I’ve been quite a free-loader in that sense.

But, believe me when I say that I saw no other option! You might think how is that possible? But it is.

It’s this attitude, and it is so deeply ingrained, that only when I felt the repercussions of my actions, I realised the depth of the self-harm I’d inflicted on myself.

The attitude is — I don’t know. I need this done, but I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know something. DON’T KNOW.

Don’t we all feel like we don’t know something, until we do know it, eventually? But, the very first time, a problem presented itself, my mind went straight to I DON’T KNOW, skipping all the figuring out part. The actual fun part.

I’ve been deeply scared to show people that I simply DON’T KNOW this. And when you’re this person, you can only imagine the growth and learning curve that you miss out on. It’s vast.

You might think, there’s no harm in asking for help as such. Of course, there isn’t. But what’s the intention? To simply get past it? Or to seek aid in figuring it out? It was always the first option for me. I never even paused to try myself, and seek help later, if I truly couldn’t do it. It just was never an option in my head! Betting on my hands, mind, thinking, judgment? Could I do that?

Turns out, it was all I had to do!

Life is hard, isn’t it?

You feel you need some help and you ask someone else, so casually, like you’re asking them to ‘pass the ketchup.’ But these little, tiny choices build up into a huge mountain, that you get buried under if you’re not careful. The self-harm I inflicted on myself was by denying myself all opportunities to truly grow up, learn new things, be a problem solver, live freely, and most importantly, believe in myself.

What is the use of this life if we don’t learn to pick ourselves up? If we don’t figure out things truly? If we’re not honestly trying?

Seeking the sort of help I sought for years didn’t truly help me, it helped the person who figured it out for me because that person learned something and I didn’t.

And all I had to do was bet on myself, instead of them.

The writer isn’t into gambling of any sort but has started betting on herself.