How I Stopped Self-Abandoning in Dating and Relationships

Learning to not lose myself in my relationships is an ongoing process. Losing someone is always difficult but losing yourself in the process is much worse. Not only are we faced with the challenge of getting over someone but also the challenge of re-building ourselves. Now, of course, it’s natural to be faced with identity problems in the aftermath of a breakup but some of us have it harder than others.

I myself have dated people for a mere few months and completely lost myself in the pursuit of something more. Self-abandonment seemed to be my default mode of action in new partnerships. I would disregard my own feelings, wants, and needs to appease someone else. I would neglect hobbies, priorities, and goal pursuits because love was always my ultimate goal.

Needless to say, recurring patterns of losing myself meant something had to change. I put way too much credence in winning the acceptance of someone else and when I wasn’t chosen, I was broken. I took their rejection as a sign of my own worth. I saw being loved by another as a prize but an external source of love could never be guaranteed. The process of rebuilding myself and finding enjoyment in my life again was a rigorous and exhausting process I didn’t want to keep repeating.