The End of the Passive Man
“There are three universals for this opinion of ourselves. We usually like to think that we’re autonomous and independent… We also like to think that we’re intelligent… the sense that we’re stupid or that people are making fun of our intelligence is pretty difficult for us to accept. And third, that we’re generally a good person.” — Robert Greene, The Laws of Human Nature
My bosses run a faith-based men’s group called Iron Sharpens Iron. It was at one of these retreats, at a lodge in Ohio, that I had a revelation. Though I’m not Christian, I was intrigued and wanted to attend a retreat to support Joe and Nick. If I’m being honest, though I tell myself I was open-minded about the experience, in reality I was not. And then it started.
Aside from meeting some rockstar humans and re-connecting with others, I was absolutely taken by the speakers. Enter Tom Petersburg. Tom was the Chaplain of the Cleveland Indians, Browns, and Cavaliers, for years. And since I grew up a massive Cleveland sports fan, I was intrigued. The talk was captivating. Tom spoke about how men have become passive in their homes. The same men who act all macho and alpha at work and with friends, are anything but when they’re at home. The reason?
We defer to our wives.
We’ve become passive.
Passivity Defined: Acceptance of what happens, without active response or resistance.
And it makes sense. Women are incredible. Speaking from experience, and I may be biased, they can appear super-human at times. My wife is Type-A to a factor of ten. She’s smart. She’s the most selfless person I know. Not to mention the way she completely immersed herself in motherhood literally the moment we found out she was pregnant. Her parental instinct is natural, powerful, and so much different than mine.
I always tell people it took me a solid ten months to get it. Almost an entire year, while my wife was nursing and literally giving her body to our daughter, I was in denial. I just couldn’t grasp what it meant to be a father and that I was no longer the most important person in my own life. I mourned my freedom. Don’t get me wrong, I was still there and still did what I could, but I wasn’t exactly smiling and dancing to help out.
Truth is, I’ve heard this story over and over. Part of the reason is because our wives are so quick to handle everything in the home, because they’re always ten steps ahead of us. Which is why it’s so important to be intentional at home.
“Passivity thrives at the expense of our integrity” — Tom Petersburg
The ‘Honey, I’ll Do’ list
It doesn’t take much to carry your weight. But it does take intentionality. Here’s the thing, like much of my writing, my perspective is based on my experience. I’m talking to no one but myself. There are plenty of dudes out there who bust their ass and kill it on the home-front. They cook dinner, they mow the lawn and edge and pull weeds. They renovate their basement and, when their partner asks them to fix something, consider it done.
Now, I’m no slouch. I do my fair share and carry my weight.
But that’s just the thing. I only carry MY own weight — and my wife carries the rest of the families weight.
After being told one too many times that I need to do a little more, I finally got the message. In comes the ‘Honey, I’ll Do’ list. We’ve all heard of a ‘Honey do’ list, where, typically wives, make a list of years old chores for their lazy ass husbands to knock out.
Well, I wanted to flip that narrative. I knew I needed to be proactive and do things on my own time, otherwise I’d be grumpy and resentful, and my wife would feel like shit for always needing to be the bad guy. So I made it super easy for myself to go over and above. Like I said before, it’s not like I was completely lazy around the house. So I knew it wouldn’t take much to make a huge difference.
Easy, Actionable ideas you can use right now
Just aim to do one extra thing at home, each day. The key is to do these things BEFORE you’re expected.
- Buy the groceries each week. Men, I’m guessing garbage duty is ‘your thing’. Well, make something else your thing too.
- Cook dinner
- Make a list of possible dinner options for the week, using the groceries you purchased. This way, even if you’re unable to cook on a particular night, at least your wife doesn’t have the burden of deciding what to make.
- Make laundry your thing. It’s so easy — just do it. Important point: you need to then fold the laundry and put it away correctly too. And don’t shrink your wife and daughter’s favorite jeans and sweaters in the process. Trust me, I’ve been there.
- Do a quick clean-up of the main living areas.
- Knock out one thing from the house-responsibility list each day (test smoke alarms, change air filter, wash the cars, oil changes, power wash the patio, register your kids for soccer, etc.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Why should your responsibilities at home be any different than work?
You have a to-do list at work. You have accountabilities and you make sure to knock those things out, correctly, because you know there will be consequences if you don’t. Why are our responsibilities as husbands and fathers any different? Why is it always on the mom to bring snacks to school and pack the diaper bag?
Why, on TV, is it always the mom rushing to put lunches together each morning?
The beta-male is so deeply ingrained in American society that it’s become pathetic. Turn on any sitcom on the major networks and you’ll find a man who is constantly trampled by his significant other. It’s hard to watch.
Tom Peterson spoke about this paradigm and about how it’s magnified at the professional sports level. Due to the nature of their work and the demands of the game, wives and girlfriends are forced to take on the majority of the work at home. And, yes, I get it, they signed up for it. And the millions of dollars make it worth it. Or does it? A millionaire is still a person. A person with feelings and stresses and anxiety and pressure.
And today, with Covid and everything else going on in the world, people feel more stressed than ever.
We must, as men, step up and do MORE than our share. When we neglect our duties at home and force our spouses to call us out, we’re putting additional burden on them. Which makes us defensive. And then we get frustrated with them for talking down to us. This can all be avoided with intentionality.
Love Languages
The Five Love Languages have been hugely influential for my wife and I. It’s helped us to learn a lot about each other.
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
While I need a lot of affirmation and compliments, she needs acts of service. She’s a self-reliant, entrepreneurial woman, and while I’m sure she appreciated it when I thank her or tell her she’s doing great, what she really wants is for me to help. To her, cooking dinner and cleaning the house is WAY more powerful than flowers (though she likes those too).
And, when I do that, and she thanks me, I get what I need too. It’s a win-win.
