Indiana Jones Rides (A Motorized Scooter) Again
The adventures of the elderly Dr. Jones
There will be another Indiana Jones movie presumably starring Harrison Ford. I couldn’t be happier. Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade remain two of my all-time favorite films. Amazon put them on their prime video streaming service and my wife started packing her things. I tolerate Temple of Doom and if you talk to me about Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I swear on my replica bullwhip, I’ll stab you in the eye.
*Side note: My best friends and I played racquetball nearly every day for three months one semester in college. Three-person racquetball is the greatest. When one friend started to get on a run I and the other friend would bounce around the tiny echoing court yelling “temple of doom!” and barking. Somehow we are all still friends today. At that point we were all very much virgins.
Ford will be 77 years old during the filming of Indiana Jones 5. When the film is released in the Summer of 2020 he will have turned 78. Now I don’t want to be an age-ist but doesn’t that seem… abusive? Obviously near-octogenarians searching for things long since lost to time and memory is not a new phenomenon (just ask any elderly person searching for…well, literally anything). And I’m not simply suggesting Ford is long in the tooth. Horses are long in the tooth, Ford is old enough to have tusks. Luckily The Unbalanced obtained a few brief possible script synopsis which may guide the upcoming film. Put on your tastefully hip hats and look out for snakes, any of these could be IJ5:
Indiana Jones and the Orthopedic Shoes
Dr. Jones and his protege scour his apartment and office looking for the pair of tan SAS lace-ups he bought at Dillards last weekend. The young woman keeps trying to sidetrack Indy by pointing out incredible pieces of history strewn about. Dr. Jones keeps yelling “Archaeology is about the search for what you need! Not simply seeing what’s there!” The protege says, “Uh actually it’s totally about seeing what’s there”. They find the shoes.
Indiana Jones and “Is that not Okay to Say?”
In this installment Jones is searching for the infamous “Jade Buddha” through Mongolia and China. A plucky student traveling with him handles most of the physical stunts while Indiana asks constantly if things he’s said are offensive because he “just can’t keep up anymore”. He refers to most people they meet as orientals and eventually asks his student if that’s racist. The student (while carrying Jones up a mountain) responds, “It’s not NOT racist.”
Indiana Jones and “I’m not Sleeping I’m just Resting My Eyes.”
Indiana Jones keeps closing his eyes and folding his hands across his chest as it heaves slowly. He is perfectly still excluding the expansion of his lungs. This happens repeatedly for two hours in classrooms, his office, at home, at dinner parties, during shoot-outs and in the middle of cleverly designed ancient mazes. When companions shake him and ask that he wake up Dr. Jones angrily insists he was not asleep and was simply resting his eyes.
Indiana Jones and “EWWWW Gross”
All you need to know about this script is that it contained two love scenes featuring a 77 year old man.
Indiana Jones and the Disappearing Parking Spot
Throughout this film Indiana attempts to park his car in designated spots across the globe. He always leaves at least one wheel over the yellow lines, or drags the undercarriage over a parking block or scrapes a neighboring car. Eventually he starts parking wherever he wants. People get angry but when he gets out everyone is like “oh, yeah, I get it.”
Indiana Jones and “HUH?”
People discuss elaborate plans and fantastic historical narratives with Dr. Jones only to be met with a questioning “HUH?” Jones inclines his head and motions for everyone to be quiet but it does no good. He nods often in this movie. In fact the subtitle was “Through the Garden of the Nods”.
Indiana Jones and the Man Eating Pants
Indiana Jones’ pants are worn a bit higher in this film, something we notice in the opening scene. The pants get higher and higher as the film proceeds. The buxom secret agent sent to capture Dr. Jones can’t “access the ancient temple” because the button and zipper are near his shirt collar. In the climatic scene Indy has to be cut from his trousers after pulling them up above his head and nearly suffocating. They examine the pants. On the tag — a swastika.
Cut to Dr. Jones: “Naz (coughing fit, hacks out mucus) is.”
