The Unbalanced
Published in

The Unbalanced

Tank Wars

The eight worst teams in the NBA need to plan and play for tomorrow, today

Eastern Conference

New York Knickerbockers

  1. Hire a glory-dripping executive tied romantically to a competing franchise, tied philosophically to Marcus Aurellius and tied systemically to an extinct brand of basketball which ignores the game’s evolution in the last decade. So far so good.
  2. Said executive should acquire talent far past their prime. Unless their prime is teeeeeeccccchhhnnnnically not raping people. New talent should then proclaim themselves to be a “super team” inspiring everyone to L to the OL.
  3. Said executive should subtweet the team’s star, suggesting he should hit up Zillow.
  4. The organization should publicly fued with a beloved former player.
    In short, the Knicks are right on track. I have only one suggestion: Kristaps Porzingis is regularly referred to as a unicorn. Make him play as one. Invent a fictitious facial fracture which forces him to wear a protective mast upon which sits the proud corn of a uni. And he has to wear hooves. Also the starting point guard should simply disappear for days without offering explana…oh…well okay!

Philadelphia 76ers

Orlando Magic

The Magic jettisoned human frown-face emoji Serge Ibaka in an effort to be less effective at the game of basketball. They need to apply themselves if they want to win the Lonzo Ball sweepstakes. The Orlando Magic need to give heavy minutes to…real Orlando magicians. Here’s the new starting lineup:


Brooklyn Nets

I need a deep breath for this one. Harmony in…Nets out…harmony in…Nets out.

Western Conference

Sacramento Kings

This is another situation in which the legwork has been done. Sacramento has finally parted ways with DeMarcus Cousins (more on him in a bit) in order to acquire “not even Seth Curry” Buddy Hield from the Pelicans. I watched Hield play far too many college basketball games so I may be among the few that believes he can, for real, play basketball. However, he is “years away.” Having players who need to “bulk up,” “develop,” or “grow into their bodies” are classic tenants of Tankism. Right now the Kings are giving us heavy doses of Buddy Hield/Skal Labissiere pairings, co-starring a guy that renamed himself “Trill” (shoutout Wichita!). This is good tank.

New Orleans Pelicans

Puts on old-timey fedora with a PRESS card shoved into the hatband *Sits down at Remington typewriter *Smokes 90th cigarette of the day *Starts typing angrily:


The Pelicans should not be on this list. As alluded to above, they are now fully equipped with DeMarcus Cousins and Anthony Davis. There are plenty of reasons they still suck but the one that entices me the most is the voodoo Anthony Davis immersed himself in before the Boogie trade. Enterprising media members exposed Davis’ affinity for the dark arts. Obviously once you make a deal with the devil, there is hell to pay. AD is paying. The Pelicans are paying. God have mercy on us — we are all paying.

Phoenix Suns

  1. Sit Devin Booker
  2. Sit Eric Bledsoe
  3. Sit Devin Booker
  4. Sit Eric Bledsoe
  5. Sit Devin Booker
  6. Sit Eric Bledsoe

Los Angeles Lakers

At one time, Magic Johnson had a television program. If the Lakers want to ensure their shot at Markele Fultz or Lonzo Ball they need to let Magic turn the franchise into a reality show. We need weekly episodes featuring the Buss siblings attempting to undermine one another. Hire Kobe as a “special consultant” who lurks around the practice court whispering horrifyingly personal streams of profanity at young players. Give us the shot of D’Angelo Russel asking Nick Young to borrow his phone. Replace Luke Walton with Bill Walton for a road trip (Bill Walton is a top 100 human).



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