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These Things Will Happen

Twenty-five sure-fire guarantees for the 2017–2018 NBA season

Let’s not mess around. Here we go.

1. LeBron dodges questions about his pending free agency all season long. Eventually he runs out of vague responses to the constant barrage of questioning so he begins speaking in a nonsensical stream of dictionary vomit. “LeBron, we know the season is winding down and your focus is on the remaining games — but fans in Cleveland and beyond want to know if your contract is in your mind at all?” “Banana emoji moonface sublime camel skin rinky-dinky-slip-slap-slablammo.”
2. Speaking of Bron’s soon to be former team; Kyrie Irving will play the entire year for…the Cavaliers! There are no good moves to be made. Kyrie will swallow his pride and trudge along beside an increasingly disinterested LeBron as the Cavs win 51 games (due to inflation that would count for about 22 in the Western Conference). Bron will subtweet the shit out of Kyrie the whole season. Kevin Love will actually cry on the court due to the team’s disfunction. The crying will be obvious. It will be awkward. Marv Albert will employ the most alarming baby-talk to represent Love’s emotions.
3. The Warriors will suffer substantial injuries to at least two top-seven rotation players. Neither will be Draymond Green. There was a kid in my high school who never performed well in class, lied like a liar, and stole anything he could get his hands on. Somehow he was always eligible for sports and teachers loved him. That’s Draymond. He’s going to steal my Jayhawks shorts from my gym bag any day now.
4. The Sacramento Kings become the darlings of the basketball writing world. Which means…
5. Vlade Divac is going to be the girl your friend broke up with, so all your buddies talked mad shit on her for two months…until your friend brought her to the party and announced they’re back together. Vlade has heard everyone talking about how idiotic he has been. Well while all the experts were experting Vlade sent 100 apologetic texts to your friend and upped his Snapchat game. He also built a team around athletic big men and is betting on the development of his shooters. He shook Rudy Gay (the Ford Mustang of the NBA) and drafted two quality point-guards (in a smart way, not a Johnny Flynn to the T-Wolves way) and seems to legitimately have a plan.
6. Phoenix finishes just outside the playoffs.
7. The Spurs finish no higher than the 7th seed in the West. They’re running back the same core from last year only with less enthusiasm. How many games unfold until LaMarcus Aldridge simply walks off the court and we never hear from him again? 18? 19?
8. Markelle Fultz falls asleep during a game. This dude makes Lonzo Ball look like a Jack Russel Terrier. I believe in the 76ers. I’m all the way in. Jo-Jo and the boys are going to look like the “we’re coming together coach!” montage of every basketball movie every third game. Markelle’s…um…laid back demeanor won’t be a detriment considering Embiid has the charm and gravitas of 43 adult humans. Ben Simmons also recently said his current self would murder his former self on the court, which is a cool way of saying “I’m better,” but may also be a way of saying “Oh shit they figured out that Looper time travel and someone needs to warn my past self because I’m coming for me.”
9. D’Angelo Russel becomes a folk hero in Brooklyn. He will be featured in at least four black-and-white commercials. He needs this. Brooklyn needs this. Please God let him not suck.
10. The Eastern Conference playoff teams will be: 1. Washington (gasp!) 2. Cleveland 3. Boston 4. Milwaukee 5. Toronto 6. Miami 7. Charlotte 8….Philadelphia (I can’t help myself!)
11. The Western Conference playoff teams will be: 1. Golden State 2. Houston 3. OKC 4. Portland 5. Denver (double gasp!) 6. LA Clippers 7. San Antonio 8. Utah
12. I need to address some playoff matters having revealed the sixteen teams: Boston will stumble through the regular season and be eliminated in the second round of the playoffs. Are you sure Gordon Hayward is good? Really? Can Isaiah Thomas stay healthy considering the amount of work he has to do to offensively? They will be a fine team. They will be swell. They will not contend for the title.
13. Denver is for real. They aren’t beating the Warriors in the second round but they are going to be a nightmare all season long. Get ready for countless Jokic/Joker puns.
14. Portland will bounce back. They will have a full year of my NBA crush, Jusuf Nurkic, and drafted two bigs with complimentary skills to compliment Nurk in the middle. Also Dame Lillard is shrewd enough to announce that his loyalty forbids him from leaving town to form a super team…while trying to lure Carmelo to the Pacific Northwest. Never change Dame.
15. Commissioner and dap virtuoso Adam Silver will make two huge announcements during the season. The first being the NBA’s decision that the minimum age to enter the draft has been raised to twenty. Everyone will lose their goddamn minds. For some reason ESPN will consult LaVar Ball about the decision. We deserve that. We elected Trump.
16. The second Silver bullet………………will be expanding the league by two franchises. One will be in Seattle. The second should be Mexico City but it will be edged out by Vacouver, Vegas, or Louisville. However the two new teams will not join the league formally until the 2025–26 season when new television contracts come into effect.
17. Charles Barkley open-hand slaps Shaq during a TNT broadcast.
18. Russel Westbrook spontaneously combusts.
19. Dennis Smith Junior will win Rookie of the Year in a landslide. Markelle is on a team that has bigger stars. Jason Tatum won’t get enough run. Josh Jackson just wants to out hustle you. Lonzo, well Lonzo will have the occasional game that causes us to hope a player whose jumper is uglier than Shawn Marion’s can carry a team. Unfortunately Lonzo will also have his soul snuffed out like an aromatherapy candle by the likes of Steph, Russy, Dame and CP3. Oh, what’s that, “He won’t guard the other team’s point.” Okay, snuffed out yada yada by the likes of Harden, Klay, Kawhi, Devin Booker and C.J. McCullom. Smith will have to contend with those fellows as well, but he will try to dunk them back in bed.
20. Kevin Durant wins the MVP award. KD will shoulder the load after the aforementioned injuries to key Warrior teammates. Durant will average 27 points a game and career highs in blocks, steals and rebounds.
21. Pat Riley will reveal himself to be a vampire.
22. Charlotte wil — HAHAHAHAHA who cares.
23. The Milwaukee Bucks will win the Eastern Conference. Washington is doomed. Curses are silly and impossible — unless they are referenced in sports. That’s science. Boston is going to be painfully overrated. Cleveland is about to have that big fight in front of everyone in which all the stuff that has plagued the marriage for years is coming out. It will start in the kitchen and move to the yard. Everyone is suddenly going to be very interested in their phones but secretly still listening. Who will get custody of cute little Ty Lue?
24. Houston will beat the Warriors in seven phenomenal games. America’s favorite Dad, Shea Serrano, will wake up to find his house egged.
25. The Houston Rockets will be NBA champions.

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