White Cower
Restricting the advancement of humanity’s most endangered group — white males
Full disclosure — I am a white male. I am a white male working in higher education. My wife, though not male, is also white. She also works in higher education. Circumstance could nary offer me a better platform from which to speak in response to the US department of justice’s investigation into abuses against white dudes as a result of affirmative action. I could only be more qualified to write this article if I were golfing on Nantucket in a cream cable-knit sweater guffawing at my friend’s sadness that Martha’s Vineyard has “really gone downhill”…with a tattoo of a viking longboat on my chest.
First of all: can you believe we have to talk about this in 2017? More than fifty years after the Civil Rights Act we are arguing about the mistreatment of white men within public education. In 1903 a lunatic gubernatorial candidate said that, “if necessary, every Negro in the state (Mississippi) will be lynched.” He went on to suggest that “The only effect of Negro education is to spoil a good field hand and make an insolent cook.” James K. Vardaman was elected governor of Mississippi. Later he would represent Mississippi in the United State’s senate.
James Clark McReynolds was a United States Supreme Court Justice originally from Kentucky. J-Mac (definitely what Howard Taft called him) served on the court from 1914–1941. During a good portion of that time he was assisted by a black man named Harry Parker. Parker once told McReynolds that he hoped his sons would go to college. J-Mac recoiled at the idea and chastised Harry. He informed him that his sons could have perfectly good jobs as assistants, butlers, chauffeurs and gardeners and had no need for higher education.
The moral: being nervous about black people overstepping their circumstantial bounds through education is in no way related to affirmative action — it’s a family tradition.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders(one of the latest Nazgul to sign over their soul to Sauron in hopes he finds the one ring of power) is trying distance the White House from the absurdity that is crying about the limited advantages afforded to the greediest and most opportunistic group known to human history. However white men have been restricted and rebuffed before. What follows is a list of things that have impeded the growth and greatness of white men.
- Trying to cure every medical issue by “bleeding”. For a few hundred years every “doctor” believed that the key to saving lives was to let white guys bleed profusely. Certain blood was bad and it had to get out of there! Sometimes I get food from a drive through and my car smells for the rest of the week. Bloodletting is the equivalent of driving with the windows down, only in this case the air in the car is blood and you die.
- Non-white people with better technology. During huge sections of history in which white dudes were all like “screw books, SWORDS 4 LYFE” people of a less milky hue were mastering boring stuff like math. Huge crusading armies floundered while Muslim leader Saladin was eating tropical snows in his super-tent outside of Jerusalem.
- The Bubonic Plague. The plague is the all-time leading shot blocker against white dudes.
- Other white dudes fighting prestige wars for their white dude kings. France and England once engaged in a war so damn long they called it the HUNDRED YEARS WAR. The hundred years war was a result of ongoing land and title disputes between the ruling families of the respective nations. The people living in Aquitaine, Brittany, Anjou and other territories which regularly changed hands didn’t give a crap who printed their money as long as their houses would quit being burned.
- Syphilis. Some medical historians propose that syphilis existed in Europe before contact with the “new world”. Others believe that it was brought back with Columbus after his “discovery” of the Americas (boy we had that coming huh?). Either way Syphy got biz. Five million white folks died because of Syphilis in or immediately after a French invasion of Italy in 1495. Why were the French in Italy? See #4 above.
- Holy cures. Holy water, religious relics, hymns and prayers were used more than sterilized medical tools for one thousand years. I am a religious person. Should I break my leg and the bone puncture the skin, please do not rub the bone with one of John the Baptist’s handkerchiefs.
- An addiction to the glory of the charge. During the WWI battle of the Somme over 300,000 white dudes died. This was in large part because commanders still believed that the way to win battles was leading white guys in a courageous charge toward enemy lines. Using machine guns against dudes running STRAIGHT AT YOU is also a good way to win battles.
Never a threat to the advancement of white dudes: giving other people a chance.
