I Stim-Watch; Therefore, I Am
When you look closely enough, there is more to stimming than meets the eye.
Back in late June, I wrote about what I believed was a coping skill I called stim-listening. In my article, “My Most Underrated Coping Skill,” I was able to recognize it as an asset for my daily life, especially when working on new writing. Then, in mid-August, thanks to Ms. Helen Edgar, the Stimpunks Foundation recognized my input. They soon made stim-listening an official term in their new glossary project. I was deeply honored and itching to see if there was more I could contribute. This was when a curious thing happened. As I looked more closely, I realized I was stimming in a way that was similar to listening. But I was doing it more often than I previously thought. Let’s examine what “stim-watching” can be and the likelihood of whether it indicates being autistic.
What exactly is stim-watching? If stim-listening is repetitively listening to songs, stim-watching is repeatedly watching, most often, digital media. I first recognized that I was doing this in the fall of 2004. While out Christmas shopping at an electronics store, I came across a big-screen TV that started playing the teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode III. I was mesmerized by just one viewing of it. When I got home, thanks to the advent of digital media, I attained a copy of it from the internet. I then repeatedly watched the trailer via my computer to extend the experience through as many as a dozen replays. As a recent suicide attempt survivor, it helped me relate to the character Anakin Skywalker. Stim-watching provided me with the ability to relate to his tragic downfall by repeating the video.
This single teaser trailer also put the inspirational value of modern film trailers squarely in my mind. I know this because, within five years, I saved dozens of film trailers to watch whenever the interest arose. The year 2009 saw numerous film trailers being released, which made me excited to see each of the films. The trailers included popular franchises such as Underworld, X-Men, Terminator, and Star Trek. This included the third Star Trek trailer that I used to write, “My Most Underrated Coping Skill.” I remember having them stored on my iPod Touch when I was in college. In between classes, I would repeatedly watch them, followed by feeling a boost of energy. I saw more films in May than in any other month of my life.
In the midst of this theatrical fervor, I happened upon the trailer that was released for James Cameron’s film Avatar. Stim-watching it ensured that modern film trailers would have a permanent place in my life. As would stim-watching in general. The trailer had instrumental music that really lit a passion within me. So I watched it again several times. The background music was amazing. I literally searched the internet for “Avatar movie trailer music” and found out what the tracks were. One was familiar to me from the film The Island. The other two were by a music group called Audiomachine. I would go on to create what I called opus playlists by mixing this neo-classical music according to how each track made me feel. Each playlist tells a story based on the emotions the songs generate.
Thanks to the ease with which videos can be viewed using mobile devices, stim-watching was easy and convenient to do. I just did not know I was autistic or likely to engage in stimming behavior. All that seemed to matter was how it made me feel. Some years later, I realized I had kept the video for one specific movie scene on my iPod Touch. After so many years, I would have to buy a newer one to keep up with technology. At one point, I noticed that I still had a video for the Veridian III scene from the film Star Trek Generations. I immediately realized why I still had it: adrenaline. The battle and planetfall scenes were two of my favorite action sequences in all of modern film. Without ever knowing it, I must have been stim-watching the video for an adrenaline rush.
At first, this discovery made me feel self-conscious about repeatedly watching videos. I was doing something in order to get what was essentially a fix. A high. Why? I knew I had never been into drugs. Yet I felt tricked into believing that I was under a force of guilt-ridden peer pressure. Repeatedly watching the Veridian III action sequence was such a departure from what seemed normal that I acted like an imposter. If I had known I was autistic, I would have recognized it as stimming and not felt so unwell. In hindsight, this should serve as a disturbing example of society’s vast influence over autistic people. I had no idea I was autistic, and it still affected me enough to stop doing it for a while. Just imagine the impact if I needed to stim.
Thankfully, I did eventually continue stim-watching. Here is a look at how I dealt with this. I asked myself, Why not just watch the film? As good as it is, Star Trek Generations is two hours long. It was not exactly practical to repeatedly watch the entire film. Movie-watching was also a sacred pastime for me. Watching only one scene would have spoiled the experience. Plus, I was not always interested in watching that particular film, let alone that one scene. Watching it when my interest was strongest was more convenient. You might even say it is more direct and efficient. How autistic of me. Fast forward to today, and I now know even more.
The seeming rush of adrenaline generates what I call motivational energy. This enables me to do certain tasks at times when I might otherwise need a boost to do them. Chores are a good example. I often use stim-listening to get caught up on Twitter. It helps me focus because, as a Twitter follower pointed out, it is allowing me to regulate my emotions. This means that stim-watching does serve a positive purpose in my life. So I no longer feel guilty about stimming. I have also noticed I switch between what I stim-watch depending on what my interests are at any given time. This is due to the influence of monotropism. Interests will peak for different things at different times, with some more strongly than others. And I can provide an excellent example of this right now.
At the beginning of the year, I started watching the Star Trek: Picard TV series on DVD. There is a scene near the end of the final season in which the original Next Generation cast reunites on board their original ship. Then, the music gets all dramatic as the tension builds before the scene ends. At the time, stim-watching this was exhilarating. When I try it now, the intensity is not quite as strong. Make no mistake. I still love this scene, which is referred to as Enterprise D Returns. But I almost seem to have to establish that connection again to feel the same intensity of emotion. This is evidence that monotropism does influence autistic behavior. When monotropism is focused on a strong enough interest, it also enhances the autistic stimming experience.
Allow me to demonstrate. Here is a glimpse of what I have been stim-watching recently. I had an interest in amateur Star Trek animations. So I searched the internet to find some. HIKE Animation made an excellent recreation of a scene from Star Trek III, but with some creative changes. It turned out to be quite well done. Before you click the link I have provided, know that I added a time stamp. When you begin playback, you will begin watching it from the exact point where I have been. Here is the animation video link: Star Trek — Klingon Encounter — Part 2. Watch it until 5 minutes, 31 seconds, and then repeat to see what stim-watching is like. It is a fascinating and positive experience.
When I originally found this video, I saw that it was almost seven minutes long. I watched the whole thing first, maybe once or twice. I then found myself drawn to the point at which the action was at its peak. On the next replay, I started at 4 minutes, 57 seconds, watched the next 30 seconds of the video, and then found that I repeated this process. I kept scrolling the progress bar back to watch this part over and over again. This was how I realized that I was stim-watching more than I originally thought. I was so used to it that I did not notice. I am so glad that I know now because I can use every boost I can get. In hindsight, this gives everyone a fine glimpse into the wonders of an autistic mind and what life is like for us.
You may very well be autistic, too. Stimming is proving to be a uniquely neurodivergent behavior thanks to autistic-led research that takes autism seriously. One aspect does not make an autistic person all that we are. But if we recognize the right patterns, this is one that could be a good indicator. Stimming to regulate emotion is also not something to feel guilty about. As long as it is done responsibly and helps to regulate your emotions, do not be discouraged, as I was. Imagine the potential of stim-watching or stim-listening for your needs. I was fortunate to come up with this form of stimming despite having my needs neglected by mental health experts. Now you can explore it too. Empowering autistic people with knowledge like this is what I live for.
