Prelude to a Summer From Hell, Part 1
There are some experiences in my life that I dread sharing because I fear they will change what you think of me. And there are other experiences that could change your lives worse than they have mine. There is one such incident that I initially deemed too risky to share. At first, I felt that I was not prepared to discuss it in a safe manner. Now that more time has passed, I am ready to carefully reveal the extent of what happened.
August 13th, 2018, is a time of my life that I might never forget. In the years since I have asked myself so many questions. Should I tell anyone? Was it as twisted as I remember? Can I explain it in a way that no one would be at risk of copying what I experienced? Why did it happen? One thing is certain: there is more to what I was thinking than I knew. The events that led to my “summer from hell” began two years earlier.
The year 2016 started with me holding stable employment at a call center. I was 34 years old, still lived at home with my parents, and needed the job. Despite being employed and having held employment in previous years, I was plagued by an unshakeable discontent. Each year after I graduated college in 2002, I was increasingly distressed by something that was missing. It felt like I was running out of time, even though I was working.
Then, on June 13th, my employment was abruptly terminated. My discontent quickly turned into panic. I was too far behind where I observed that I needed to be. I was 34 and unable to resolve why I was indecisive. In reality, I was lacking the social and economic integration necessary for quality mental health. My doctor referred me to a general practice counselor to find out more. I had three sessions in September.
With his help, we determined that I needed to address my mental health. I had only been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) in 1990. But it was clear to both of us that I had more than just ADD. Being careful of what he suggested, the counselor then encouraged me to explore the mental health volunteer community for guidance. Unfortunately, I knew no one who was knowledgeable or supportive about mental health.
So I had to do this on my own. I began by reaching out to non-profit organizations, looking for ways to find information. In April 2017, I participated in a wellness conference that was based on a theme I suggested they use: find your voice. I did, and I finally felt at ease with my acceptance into the volunteer community. All was not as it seemed, however. Something important was missing that would nearly cost me my life.
When I began volunteering, I was blinded by an important fact. I had no choice but to trust people I did not already intimately know to find the information I needed. In addition, both my social and economic support needs were neglected. This meant that the longer I interacted with people I overtrusted, the more likely my stress would lead to miscommunications. I found this out the hard way in October 2017.
Two months earlier, I was singled out by a co-volunteer who accused me of being too negative around other people. I only wanted to escape from a life that was going nowhere and figure out what to do about my mental health. They treated me like an outsider. In October, I was accused of pocketing money for bus tickets. Their accusation led to two weeks of paranoia that traumatized me. I was confused by this change in their behavior.
In March 2018, I was attending a committee meeting when I confided in someone that I later realized was a mistake to do. One of the committee members was an influential member of the community and somewhat of a friend. I told her that I was engaging in a form of self-harm I called face-scratching. Then, without thinking, I showed her how I did it. I also debated politics with her on Facebook. She blocked me.
Without knowing I was autistic, I overshared sensitive information about my personal life, I was unfiltered about what I said, and I missed social cues that I was alienating volunteers. According to Dr. Damian Milton, the resulting double empathy problem stems from cross-neurotype miscommunications such as these. Since autistic people have a divergent neurotype, a gap in understanding often occurs with those who are not autistic.
In hindsight, I learned that the average community volunteer was not prepared to guide someone toward a proper path for mental health assistance. Neither were they all able to treat newcomers with the respect needed regarding their mental health. Coming out by admitting you are self-harming or are a suicide attempt survivor does not give anyone a right to overreact. This is not just with matters involving mental health.
The person who blocked me on Facebook was a ranking member of a non-profit affiliate whose mission was to advance the acceptance of mental health. They violated their charter and refused to communicate with me afterwards. This is why I advise avoiding politics. Instead of being inclusive, some people will exclude you, even if you are in serious need of help. In the summer of 2018, my life was about to go from bad to worse.
Tensions were about to break that would make my world a living hell…
Continued here in Surviving a Twist of Fate, Part 2.
