You Can’t See What You Can’t See — An Autistic Window That Needs Cleaning
Hi all, it’s me again, finally, and good grief. I warned you back here that Mr. ADHyDe would likely take the wheel at some point, and I would stop posting out of nowhere. Well, he did; he is definitely an asshole. However, given you’re reading this article now, I have at least temporarily reclaimed driving privileges.
I’m hoping I can maintain control and start posting again. I really do enjoy sharing my stories, and quite to my astonishment, I have actually liked writing them.
I have been writing largely as a part of my “AuDHD Origin Story” series, but we are going to take a little break from that. The school article really took it out of me (more on that in a bit).
A Surprising Question
Like any good therapist, mine asked me a surprising and all-around great question. She asked me:
“What do you need from therapy?”
I originally started seeking therapy due to burnout and the unintended behaviors / subsequent fallout from it. But I’m not feeling as burnt out. I can complete tasks, I have energy, and I’m working out again, so what do I still need to see a therapist for?
My initial needs seem to have generally been addressed (I found out I’m Autistic), though there is still work to do.
There has been a nagging concept, an ever-changing yet growingly pervasive phenomenon.
Let’s talk about it…to the stories!
Driving Without Noise
Early in my Autism research, I read a story that made a great point: “You don’t have to be diagnosed, or even be Autistic to benefit from Autistic coping strategies”. I thought I’d give one a try.
Many Autistics struggle with noise sensitivity, and while I hadn’t noticed any real issues, a few sounds, like people chewing on gum or eating out of a plastic bag, bothered me. So, I figured this was as good a place to start as any.
I have always had a short temper while driving; even the slightest thing not going to plan would result in an angry outburst.
Stop light changing to red right as I arrive?
Driver ahead of me driving one mph too slow?
Driver left lane hogging on the Highway?
All sure fire ways to trigger an out-of-proportion response from me.
I ordered some Loop Earplugs (which are glorious) and began using them while driving. The strangest thing happened: I stopped caring about the annoying little things, my average speed slowed, and I no longer blew up at the slightest injustice.
Literally, the only thing that changed was that I started wearing earplugs.
Please Note: Left-lane hogs will always hold a special place in my heart. You know who you are, and I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends.
So, sound sensitivities that I had no idea were bothering me, check. Is there anything else?
Holy Jebus, The Sun Is Bright
I have struggled all my life with headaches. Stress headaches, migraines, pressure headaches, you name the headache, and I’ve probably had it. I’ve been trying to figure each out, and I’ve had success reducing or eliminating some.
For example, a few years back, I noticed my left eye was a little out of focus. It turns out I have had an astigmatism my whole life. I got some prescription glasses that corrected it, and the post-workout headaches stopped.
One crisp winter day, the lady and I were out running errands. There were huge piles of fresh snow from the day before, and the sun was in full splendor.
If you have never experienced a day like this, it’s as bright as you can imagine. Think about looking directly at the sun, dial that back about 10%, and that’s what it looks like no matter where you look due to the highly reflective white snow.
As “luck” would have it, I forgot my sunglasses while driving. I have done this numerous times in the past, but this was the first time I had done it since learning I am Autistic.
It was brutally bright. Halfway through our errands, I had to hand over the driving duties; I just couldn’t deal.
I felt this pain behind my eye; I had never noticed that before. When we got home, I took a nap and ate some food. I realized that the pain was still there, and it was turning into a headache.
So there it was, another cause of a headache, this time a sensitivity to bright light. I’ve since realized that the remaining headaches I still get after workouts are when I do an outdoor activity like cycling, where there is plentiful sun exposure.
That’s sound and light sensitivities I was un-blissfully aware of, anything else? “Three’s the charm,” as they say.
School: Revisited, Broke Me
As I mentioned earlier, I haven’t written an article since the one about how to fail at school. It was a daunting article for a non-writer like me to write.
I wanted to include so many stories and thoughts in it, but when it ballooned to over 4000 words, it became hard for me to manage — or at least that’s why I thought I was struggling.
To write the article, I had to dig through my past, through memories obscured by time, and many other reasons. While doing so, I felt the buzz of finally sharing some of the stories, which I think helped me power through.
On the other hand, school was a miserable time, and almost all of my memories were negative.
Much like sound and light, I couldn’t see my emotions taking their toll, but they very much were. That’s a trifecta!
“Clean Me” - Written In The Muck
So, this is the pervasive phenomenon: I am finding things that have apparently been negatively impacting me all my life that, for some reason, I just didn’t notice.
Things that have been wearing me down and manifesting in inconsistent ways, from my short temper to losing my will to work on things.
It’s like one of those super dirty cars in desperate need of a thorough cleaning — the car so dirty that someone wrote ”Clean Me” in the filth.
Years of filth have obscured the connection between my conscious mind, body, and emotions. Filth that has actually served a purpose. The more filth that has built up, the less I can see through the window, and the less I’ve had to deal with sensory sensitivities and tough emotions.
But just because I couldn’t “see” them doesn’t mean they weren’t there the whole time, having the same impact.
In the school article, I think I landed on where this all started. I wondered if perhaps my second-grade teacher laid the first blocks of the wall between my conscious mind and my senses/emotions (Alexithymia®). Sticking with the window metaphor, she splattered the first muck on my windshield.
“How Can I Help?”
That brings us back to the original question. What I really think my therapist was asking reminds me of a quote from a favorite show of mine, “New Amsterdam.”
“How can I help?”
What do I need help with? What do I still need therapy for? Well, it’s simple: I have questions, and I’d like answers.
- If I lived all my life without noticing the crud that was building up, without seeing all the things that were bothering me, how can I find all the other stuff?
- I can get lucky and stumble across things, like driving with earplugs. But what about the more subtle things?
- Are there more subtle things impacting me?
- How many things from my past and present are impacting my trajectory through life?
- Is there anything from my past I can reconcile?
- Most importantly, how do I clean the dang window?!
So, what do I actually need from therapy? I can boil it down to one simple idea:
I need someone to help me see the things that I can’t.
