Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: You Do Not Need to Forgive Yourself
You did not commit the abuse and you are not responsible for the toxic behavior of a person who lacks empathy.
A lot of victims of narcissistic abuse struggle to forgive the narcissist while others struggle to forgive themselves. The advice given on internet forums like Quora is usually that ‘’the victim really needs to forgive herself/himself’’. I believe it’s cruel and insensitive to tell a victim that they need to forgive themselves because it puts the responsibility of abuse back on the victim.
The truth is that you do not need to forgive yourself because:
1)You did not commit the abuse.
You are not to blame for the abuser’s toxic behavior, no matter how much or how many times he tells you that you are. The truth is that:
- You did not steal his money.
- You did not cheat.
- You did not play toxic mind games.
- You did not commit rape.
- You did not make the con man con you. He decided to be a con artist even before you met him.
These freaks were sometimes able to manipulate even Robert Hare, the guy who invented the checklist for psychopathy.
Do not shoot the second arrow: ‘’I am a codependent. I invited abuse into my life. I really need to forgive myself for all this toxicity. “
2)Spotting predators is not easy
Narcissists are chameleons. They have mastered the art of camouflage to perfection. It is not easy to spot an emotional vampire unless you have deep knowledge of narcissism and experience dealing with these people. Your intuition (narc radar) develops through knowledge and experience. You do not need to blame yourself for getting trapped in toxic relationship, at that time you simply did not have a sensitive narc radar.
Getting out of a toxic relationship is, however, your responsibility. I believe all victims try their best to free themselves. Some are just so confused and weakened by the abuse that they do not know what to do.
Do not shoot the second arrow: ‘’It was foolish of me to ignore all the red flags. I walked myself into hell. “
Nobody willingly walks into hell. No body. including you.
3)You are not naïve or foolish person
Just because you lacked knowledge about narcissism does not mean you are foolish, dumb, or naïve. All humans are deficient in knowledge about so many things. Steve Jobs and Christopher Hitchens lacked knowledge about God. Maybe my knowledge of narcissism is greater than yours, but your knowledge of investing money or starting a business is greater than mine. So how can I say that you are naïve or dumb? You just lack knowledge in a particular field. In addition, society hides information about narcissism. So, you do not need to think badly about your lack of knowledge of narcissism.
People like to label the victim as ‘’naïve’’ or ‘’dumb’’ because it makes them feel better about themselves. In reality, no one is smarter than a victim of abuse or crime.
Do not shoot the second arrow: ‘’How can I be so dumb or naïve?’’
4)You did not allow the abuse
While many people would tell you that you allowed the abuse, the truth is that you did not. One of the reasons people engage in victim blaming is that they cannot deal with their own vulnerability. It is difficult for these people to accept that one can be so helpless at some point in life. As humans, we are sometimes helpless in life. It’s then that we need help from others and from God.
How can you allow abuse when, in the initial stages, you were not even aware that abuse was happening? By the time you realized you were being abused, you were already rendered very weak. It’s very hard to defend your boundaries from a person who has more than 10,000 hours practice of violating them. Narcissists are Olympic athletes of abuse. They are masters at it.
Do not shoot the second arrow: ‘’ The abuse continued because I enabled it. I have a hand in my own destruction.’’
5)You do not have full control of your life
Your life is your responsibility, but it does not mean you have full control over it. If you did, then you would be God. You are a human being, and life does not seek our approval for the types of tragedies it will send our way. You are vulnerable. Other people can harm you. No matter how smart, wealthy, or powerful you are, tragedies and hurts will occur. With knowledge and wisdom, we can better protect ourselves, but we will never be completely safe from them.
There’s nothing shameful or irresponsible about being a victim. At one time, Victor Frankel was a victim, and he did not even free himself. This does not diminish in any way his greatness. Sometimes in life we are unable to protect ourselves, and that is okay. We are humans, not God. If we were so powerful, then we would not need to worship God. Even the narcissist cannot give up his evil ways unless he submits to God.
Do not shoot the second arrow:’’ People who take responsibility for their lives never become victims of abuse or crime. Being a victim means being a loser, a failure, someone weak. “
So the next time your brain or someone tells you that you need to forgive yourself, just tell them that you do not need to; you did not commit the abuse, you did not allow it and you are not responsible for the toxic behavior of a con artist. Accepting these simple truths will speed up your healing.
