Resistance is Futile… or is it?!
You have that feeling that something NEEDS to change… but you can’t quite put your finger on WHAT needs to change.
You’re in no man’s land.
You know you don’t want to go back. You’re not ungrateful for how you’ve got to where you are now, it just doesn’t feel right anymore.
But you aren’t sure where to go next.
I get it. I’ve been there. I have spent a LONG LONG time there. But that doesn’t mean that you have to set up home there for the next few months and years. You never know for you it might just be an overnight stay.
It’s about eight years since I decided things had to change. Over that time I’ve tried lots of different things, and feel like I’ve spent a huge amount of time going in circles. I had ideas about how my life should look and feel, but for a long time I couldn’t put my finger on the details.
In trying to pin it all down and make some decisions I have spent hours, days, weeks and months blindly following the advice of others and experimenting with things that haven’t work for me.
There is nothing wrong with experimenting, in fact I encourage it. And there is nothing wrong with listening to advice and putting it into practice. But, as I have learned, advice and experimentation can be dangerous on it’s own… there’s a third piece of the puzzle, and that is listening to yourself.
I would have reached the point I am now a hell of a lot faster if I had learn to trust my instincts sooner.
But I have to laugh… I am a coach. I have spent the past decade trusting that my clients know themselves better than anyone else, and that the best answers to their questions come from themselves. Yet somehow I also spent the best part of a decade forgetting to apply that to myself!
Doh!!!
So what does listening to yourself and trusting yourself look like?
There is plenty to explore around this (and plenty of blog posts to come) but I want to start with one of my biggest teachers. One I ignored and pushed through for so long.
RESISTANCE.
I am a self-confessed recovering workaholic. Until a couple of years ago most days would have involved starting the day job extra early and, whenever I needed to, staying late. When I eventually dragged myself away from the office, I’d get home only to pull my laptop out and start work on my own projects.
I was doing everything I could and it still wasn’t enough. There was never enough time. And it was all so bloody hard.
And then something landed in my life that was higher priority than work. A baby. Whatever else I was doing I now had to fit around keeping another human being alive, and make sure she felt loved while I was at it.
I had less time than I had ever had. And even more to do.
Something had to change.
As I adjusted to being a parent something strange started to happen. I found I was learning to trust that I would have the time, space and energy for the things I NEEDED to do. And that would be enough.
I know… that sounds crazy! I can’t believe it is me… Helen… writing those words. The person who used to frequently get in a complete and utter tiz about not having enough time. Who only a few months ago could be found sitting on the floor in floods of tears, multiple times in one day, because she had promised to make her friends a wedding cake and it was going to hell in a handcart.
In those moments I felt like I would never have all the time I needed. The day job was a non-negotiable to pay the bills, and family time was more important than ever, alongside everything else life randomly throws at you it seemed like there wasn’t much space for much else.
But there was also part of me that couldn’t ignore the feeling that there was something more I needed to do in life than work for someone else, pay the bills and make time for a bit of fun in between.
So how the hell was I going to fit it all in?
Once the penny dropped that I could start looking to myself for the answers, I really started listening to myself. And then I started to notice RESISTANCE.
RESISTANCE had been there for a long time, but I’d always told myself that it was a hinderance in life. Definitely not something that could help me work out where I should be headed next. The source of procrastination and excuses. A right pain in the backside.
RESISTANCE was that sense that something didn’t feel quite right. That I didn’t want to do it.
When I finally started listening to it I realised that my RESISTANCE seems to have two settings.
And it seemed that those two settings might just be part of the puzzle of working out exactly what it was that needed to change in my life, and where I needed to head next.
The first type of resistance was one that came from fear. The resistance that comes as a package deal with a little voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I can’t do it. It’s impossible. And bad things are likely to happen if I try.
That resistance is the type that needs to be overcome or ignored. That requires me to practice paying attention to another voice in my head that offers encouragement, believes it is worth the effort and believes I can do it. That voice is the one that gives you fire in your belly, even though sometimes it’s so quiet you’re amazed it can even light a match.
I found the more I practiced listening to that voice the stronger it got. And the easier it was for it to pop up and tell fear to take a hike.
Then there is the second type of resistance. That is instinctive resistance. The resistance that just knows something isn’t right. When I came across that type of resistance then I found fear doing a 360 and trying to persuade me that I’m rubbish for NOT doing this thing. That I’m making excuses. That I should push on regardless.
But it actually turned out to be the type of resistance I could listen to and trust.
It took me a long time to trust that I could tell the difference between fear and instinct.
But I now know that when I ignored instinctive resistance I was trying to open a door that was locked firmly shut. I was wasting my time trying to do something that was never going to work for me.
Not that I technically believe that we can ever “waste” time. There’s always something to learn, even when you are on the wrong path. But it’s nice to know there is a short cut!
It turns out RESISTANCE is a friend not a foe. I had spent so many years thinking it was a baddie, when all along it’s just been a rather helpful internal communication systems, which jumps up and down yelling “Hello! We need some attention here!”
So now I practice listening. And I practice trusting myself to know which type of resistance is showing up and what I need to do with it.
It turns out that that pesky inconvenience RESISTANCE actually has a use after all!!!
What isn’t feeling right in your life? What has to change? And what is your RESISTANCE telling you about where you need to go next?
If you’d like to explore this idea more share your thoughts in the comments below or message me directly. I read and reply to every message.
Also published at www.theunicornfactory.co.uk
