Are you getting sucked into snowplough parenting without realising it?

Here’s how we can avoid some of the pitfalls

Whether it’s helicopters or snowploughs, we really love a label when it comes to parenting styles. While you might be very aware of the pitfalls of certain trends, it can be easy to unintentionally pick up bad habits without realising it.

The challenge

In a nutshell, snowploughs are parents who clear the path for their kids rather than teaching them how to navigate the challenging terrain themselves. At the extreme end of the scale, think privileged families using money and influence to get their kids into good schools and college. However, snowploughing can also happen unintentionally when we’re trying to do the best for our kids. It can really catch us out.

For example:

· Trying to help your kid through a difficult friendship by focusing on changing the behaviour of the friend rather than helping your child to problem solve and navigate their way through it.

· Getting your child an expensive phone, a pair of trainers, a gadget or toy because you don’t want them to feel left out.

· Your child drops their ice cream or breaks something, and you immediately replace it.

If any of this makes you uncomfortable join the club! We’ve all been there.

Unless you’re some sort of parenting guru, your upbringing, the people around you, society and school all influence us whether we like it or not. Quite honestly, if I didn’t have the training, experience and interest in this stuff I think I’d be running ahead of my daughter brandishing a very large shovel.

So, why is snowploughing so bad?

It’s disempowering

Most counselling and coaching modalities focus on helping clients navigate their own problems and challenges. It’s about self-efficacy and personal empowerment. Let’s face it, if you’re feeling stuck and helpless the last thing you need is to become dependent on another person. It may temporarily get you out of a hole, but you would still feel helpless and unable to solve your own problems. Having a sense of autonomy is important if not fundamental when it comes to our well-being.

But it’s really easy to develop bad habits and patterns of behaviour that encourage reliance and dependence — particularly when we’re in an environment that cultivates this.

When helping isn’t helpful

One of my early personal development epiphanies was discovering the Drama Triangle from the world of Transactional Analysis psychotherapy. The drama triangle explains what can happen when a particular dynamic occurs between two parties — when one party tries to ‘help’ by taking responsibility and giving advice (the rescuer) while the other adopts a passive, helpless position (the victim).

The problem is, when we try and rescue someone, we’re unconsciously communicating that we think they’re incapable of helping themselves. As the rescuer attempts advise, problem solve and save, the more they disempower the person they’re trying to help. The more the victim feels disempowered the more likely they are to give off the vibe of wanting to be saved. So, the pattern continues.

It’s not a vicious circle it’s a vicious triangle.

But here’s when the third position on the triangle kicks in. The persecutor.

Eventually, the helpless victim begins to resent the rescuer and projects their frustration and blame at the person who believes they’re trying to ‘help’. They switch from passive victim to angry persecutor. The rescuer then feels trespassed against because their ‘efforts’ have gone unrecognised and unappreciated — they too take on the persecutor role.

This pattern can happen in any relationship, including one between parent and child.

Here’s an example:

Child: Melissa is being really mean to me and I’m being left out

Parent: Ok sweetheart why don’t you tell the teacher

Child: I don’t want to tell the teacher because it will make it worse

Parent: It’s important to tell the teacher darling. I’ll talk to them for you.

Child: Please don’t it’ll make it worse

Parent: But it won’t get better if you don’t tell the teacher

Child: Yes but…

If you’re snowploughing the terrain for your child, if you’re rescuing, you’re not doing them any favours and in the long run, they won’t thank you for it.

Encouraging independence

It can be really hard to see the people we love, particularly our kids, go through any sort of suffering. We want them to be happy all the time, right? But this isn’t realistic, and it doesn’t prepare them for real life, for being a grown-up and having to deal with challenges on their own.

It’s totally possible to support and help someone through difficulties, but in a way that builds independence, self-efficacy and healthy self-esteem.

Esther Wojcicki knows a thing or two about raising happy, healthy and successful kids. Known as the Godmother of Silicon Valley, Wojcicki (or Woj as she has become known) has managed to raise three incredibly successful daughters. In her best-selling book, How to Raise Successful People, Woj suggests we help our children the most when we take a step back and encourage our kids to explore their passions, solve their own problems and develop some resilience. Independence is key to her approach,

“Now, I know this will sound crazy to some people, but here’s my ultimate goal as a teacher and parent: to make myself obsolete. That’s right. I want kids to be so independent that they no longer need me.” Esther Wojcicki

Drawing out rather than putting in

One of the things I’ve learnt from my professional training is how listening, showing empathy and asking questions is far more helpful than providing solutions or advice. When it comes to our kids it’s no different. Taking a collaborative rather than a directive approach — where we draw out solutions from our kids rather than trying to shove our own solutions in — encourages independent thinking and problem-solving skills. It also encourages connection and trust because we’re really saying “I want to understand this from your point of view, I have your back but I know you have what it takes to overcome this.”

Child: “Melissa is being mean to me and I’m feeling left out.”

Parent: “That can’t be very nice to feel left out. What do you think you can do if it happens again? What are your options?”

Child: I’m not sure, I guess I could play with Jessica.

Parent: Cool, is there anything else you could do?

Child: I don’t know, can you help me.

Parent: Sure, how about we brainstorm some more ideas together?

Mindset

Learning to handle failure, judgement and rejection, as well as all the emotions that come with it, is a vital part of our life education. If we’re constantly clearing the path for our kids so they never stumble they’re missing a really important lesson.

In her book, Mindset, Carol Dweck suggests it’s whether we have a growth or fixed mindset that informs our success. If you have a growth mindset you believe you’re able to improve and develop, so challenges, mistakes and failure are an inevitable part of learning and improving. They certainly don’t define your worth or capability. However, if you have a fixed mindset then you believe talent and ability are a done deal. Someone with a fixed mindset will avoid failure because to fail means to prove you simply haven’t got what it takes. The problem with this is, you can have all the opportunities and natural ability in the world, but if you’re too afraid to stretch yourself, to take risks (in case you stuff up) you’re not going to get very far.

I really know the impact of having a fixed mindset. I grew up with the idea you either have talent or you don’t, so I was terrified of failure and being judged. When I was sacked from my first job I totally fell apart and it really dented my confidence and sense of worth. Having a fixed mindset affected my whole early career — rather than looking at learning and developing the skills I focused on proving I had what it takes. If our kids never experience disappointment, failure or rejection they’re going to struggle with creating a successful, independent life as an adult.

Collaboration

Now, I’m not saying I’ll always get it right — that I’ll never be tempted to clear the path for my daughter. I’m a mother, I’m making a tonne of mistakes and I’m learning on the job! But, I’m going to make sure I always have two shovels, one for me and one for her, so she can learn how to roll up her sleeves, dig deep and unblock her own road.

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