Are you stopping yourself being authentic?
How you can take more risks, be yourself and connect
Why is it sometimes soooo hard to be totally you? To get swept up in fitting in, following the crowd, in social ‘norms’? Well, you know what, authenticity can freak people out and while we can interpret this initial response as a sign of rejection, the reasons for the awkwardness may not be what you think. In fact, when you see things from a different perspective it can be game changing in how you feel about yourself and how you connect with others.
Think about this for a moment.
You’ve met for a week day coffee with a group of people you see regularly but you don’t know really well. Perhaps they’re work colleagues, or a group of mums on route to school pick up. It’s a warm sunny afternoon and you’ve nabbed a table outside the cafe. You’re doing the ‘normal’ conversation…then someone says”
“shall we have a beer…shall we order Prosecco?”
This is not normal. It’s unexpected. It’s breaking convention and some unwritten rules. The group look a bit flummoxed. You look at each other…who is going to go for that? What’s the general response going to be? A couple of you might say “no thanks…sticking to coffee” straight off the bat. Someone else is having major inner conflict “oooh I shouldn’t really!” A couple of others are hanging on the fence. Then you hear inner conflict say “Oh go on then…” There’s a bit of laughter and one of the fence hangers goes for it too. But, it really could have gone either way depending on the mood of the group. It could’ve resulted in the usual skinny cappuccino or a popping cork, designated driver and carpool.
The point is that some responses are instant (you know and they know straight away) and other times, when we’re not expecting something, it takes a little longer to consider the options. It involves ‘what do I think, do, say’ mental processing time.
Now compare this scenario.
After a bit of general banter, a friend asks how you are, how you’re doing and the reality is you’re actually having a shit time of it. You’re also someone who is usually the one listening to others…you’re more comfortable giving than taking.
But this time you decide to say it as it is…and the friend looks a little awkward. How are you going to interpret their response?
Your assumption might be that they are somewhat disengaged from what you’ve just said. They’re not interested in what you have to say or your situation. Even worse, they actually don’t like you that much after all. But what you don’t realise is they’re just not sure what to do or say.
Ask yourself, is this break of convention any different to the cheeky Prosecco scenario?
Human beings are meaning makers and our brains are wired to look for reasons to keep the status quo, to stay in our safety zone. So, when we make an assumption we’ve made a social balls up, we validate why we should hold back, please others or hide. We bolster the hidden Gremlin in our brain that says we’re not good enough. But we’re potentially making an attribution error — we’re blaming ourselves when it’s not our fault. We’re taking total responsibility for someone else’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
Over the last few years I’ve been training, developing my skills and building my business. Doing something different, something that puts me in my stretch zone, can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. There are times when it’s hard, when I doubt myself, when I have a bad day. This is all normal stuff. But what happens if I share this with other people?
What happens if a friend asks:
“How’s it all going with your business?”
They may be expecting to hear something along the lines of “fine thanks….it’s great” but they actually hear:
“I’m finding it tough at the moment…”
Now they might be someone who is comfortable with this type of conversation. Or their brain may kick into “oooooh I wasn’t expecting that! How do I react to this?” mode. It’s not that they’re rejecting what I’m saying, they just don’t know how to respond.
When you break protocol and say what you think, feel and believe, are you giving someone the opportunity to process something that’s essentially unexpected? We’re so used to established habitual ways of communicating and interacting that anything outside of this can be quite challenging. We might need a minute to think about it, to process it, and sometimes this processing can take a little while!
But here’s the thing, you’re making positive connections in your brain and in the world when you do this. You’re standing up for your right to exist and you’re growing and supporting your self-esteem.
Authenticity is how you create a different experience not just for yourself but for others too. Someone has to get the ball rolling right? Maybe the person you open up to will feel comfortable enough to ditch protocol and say what they think and feel — to be truly authentic with you.
When we show up as our authentic, vulnerable selves, when we take risks and live from the heart rather than through fear, we’re modelling this for our kids. We’re not only empowering them to be themselves, but we’re also showing them how to make meaningful connections with others, rather than people-pleasing, holding back and playing it safe.
And if like me the cringing, toe curling, self-berating monster rears up from time to time know that you’re normal and you’re not alone.
If this resonates with you click the 👏 and you’ll help others find it. If you’re shouting HELL YES then why not join The Unlimited Club mailing list. I’ll only ever send you an email when I have something to share.
