How to help your child through difficult friendships and other challenges

A simple 3 step process that builds self-esteem, independence and problem-solving skills

The ups and downs of school life

I’m sure we can all remember a difficult time at school, such as a tricky friendship or feeling left out, when it seemed like we had no choice or control over what was happening.

As a parent, this is also a toughie because you want to help without making the situation a whole lot worse. So, how can we support our kids without upsetting the applecart, rescuing them and making them feel even more powerless? How can we help them through challenges, so they feel more empowered and in control?

We can use ACT

Act is a 3-step process that can help you navigate issues and challenges with your child such as:

· Feeling left out

· Frenemy relationships

· Bullying

· Struggling with an activity or class situation

· And a whole host of other stuff

ACT stands for:

A: Acknowledge and understand

C: Choice and control

T: Troubleshoot

Step 1: Acknowledge and understand

Whatever the situation, it’s important to acknowledge and develop our understanding of what they’re currently going through from their perspective. Feedback on what you’re seeing and hearing and if necessary, ask questions to help them clarify their issue or problem.

For example:

“I can see you’re really sad and upset. It must be horrible to feel left out.”

“Tell me more about it…”

Why is this important?

· We all want to feel like we’ve been heard and understood. When we feel heard we don’t feel so alone.

· When you acknowledge their feelings and experience, you’re encouraging a deep sense of connection and trust with your child.

· You’re meeting them where they’re at and giving them the space and permission to process their emotions.

Step 2: Choice and control (empower)

When you’re going through a difficult time, particularly friendship issues, it can feel like you’re powerless to change it — you can feel like a victim.

While the issue may need adult intervention and support, it’s still important to reestablish a sense of them having some choice and control over the situation.

Rather than telling them, ask them:

“What do you need right now?”

This might comes as a surprise when you ask this and it may take a moment for them to think about it. Open the dialogue and give them a chance to tell you how you can help them in that moment.

Why is this important?

· You’re encouraging them to think about solutions and empowering them to reach out and ask for the help they need.

· You’re making sure that the help you provide, whether it’s a glass of water or a cuddle, really meets their immediate needs (rather than what you think they need).

· You’re going at their pace, so they feel a sense of control in an overwhelming situation.

Step 3: Troubleshoot together

Once you’ve got a good connection with your child and they’re in a more resourceful state you can move onto problem solving and solutions.

We have a simple process you can use with your child called:

WHATSWOT

The WhatSwot helps boosts self-esteem, personal resources and sense of independence by focusing on your child’s individual strengths and using them to create ideas and solutions.

Why is this important?

· Self-esteem can take a hit when we feel dependent on other people and powerless to change the situation.

· We can end up focusing on weaknesses and problems rather than using our unique resources and strengths to find solutions.

· It’s our strengths, not our weaknesses that help us through life’s challenges.

· We can encourage our kids to see they have a choice in every difficult situation — even if it’s not ideal or particularly comfortable. Feeling helpless is something we want to avoid.

· Working through problems collaboratively builds resilience and problem-solving skills.

Follow the Whatswot guide and use our pdf worksheets any time you need to troubleshoot a challenge with your child. Write your answers down so you can refer to them. Using the worksheets guides your child through the process so they’re able to problem-solve independently in the future.

Go through The What Swat and make it as fun as possible.

1) WHAT are your STRENGTHS?

Help your child to identify their top 3–5 strengths (for example, courage, creativity, communication, caring).

It’s important to encourage them to come up with their own answers, but you can help them by making suggestions based on what you’ve seen and experienced.

“You auditioned for the school play when you were really scared…this shows real courage. What do you think?”

Make this a fun, empowering and collaborative brainstorm. Bounce ideas off each other and write down the strengths ready for step 2.

Examples of strengths are available on our free worksheet.

2) WHAT are your OPTIONS?

How could you use your strengths to improve this situation or solve this problem?

Have another collaborative brainstorm where you come up with as many ideas as you can. When I’ve used this process with my daughter, we’ve made it a game and we take turns to come up with ideas.

Write down options and ideas alongside the appropriate and associated strengths.

Here are some examples:

“I can speak up when they’re not being nice to me. I can tell them I don’t think that’s what a friend would say and find someone else to play with.” Courage / Communication

“I could write them a letter explaining how I feel.” Creative / Communication

“I can ignore them and play with someone else. I don’t need to be horrible back”. Caring / thoughtful

“I can talk to my teacher and ask for help.” Courage / Communication

“I could try playing with someone new — I could suggest a new game…” Curiosity, Courage, Enthusiasm

Come up with as many ideas as you both can. Of course, this could include you helping out too such as speaking to their teacher.

3)WHAT IF?

Now it’s time to assess the options you’ve come up with. This is about empowering them to choose how they want to handle the situation. Ask the following questions:

What are the possible ‘best case’ scenarios if you do this?

What are the possible ‘worst case’ scenarios if you do this?

How might you handle these scenarios?

What’s the most likely scenario do you think?

How ready are you to do this on a scale of 1–10?

It’s a good idea to include the option of doing nothing too. One of the things we all struggle with at times is not knowing what the outcome will be if we change or do something different. There’s no way of knowing for sure what the consequences will be ahead of time. However, if we look at how we might handle different situations, if we imagine ourselves coping and surviving, taking a risk seems a lot less scary.

I use this analogy:

If you decide to do something different you won’t know what will happen ahead of time, you only know things will change. If you do nothing you already know the outcome and you will probably continue to feel how you do now.

4) WHAT NOW?

Now it’s time for them to decide what, if anything, they want to do based on the options you’ve come up with. This doesn’t mean you’re unable to help and intervene if the situation requires but giving them choice and independence builds trust and develops their ability to navigate difficult terrain in the future.

What’s their motivation to do something different?

When they’ve decided on the best option, it can really help to revisit and explore why.

Questions such a “What will be different if you do this?” and “How might you feel when you’ve done it?” can boost their motivation to take action even if it feels uncomfortable or scary.

5) SO WHAT (optional)

Finally, and with lots of humour, you might like to run through the so what mantra.

So what if they don’t like it

So what if they don’t like you

So what if you come last…make a mistake…can’t do it yet…

SO WHAT.

Make up a song or rhyme and have some fun with it. This is not about dismissing or making light of the issue, it’s about providing some perspective and letting off steam. It’s a great way to deepen connection with your child.

They will get through this. You’ve got their back.

Don’t forget you can download the free worksheets here.

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