Is fear of judgment limiting life?
Some ideas to help the whole family get past it
Whether we’re in middle age or middle school, fear of judgement can be crippling when it comes to becoming the person we want to be and creating a successful life.
I know all too well what it’s like to hold myself back. I used to believe, albeit unconsciously, judgement (the bad variety) was a fate worse than death. While this may sound like I’m over exaggerating, I honestly don’t think I am. In the past, I’ve been so paralysed by fear of losing face, of getting things wrong, of being rejected, I’ve put the safety of my fragile ego before my health and happiness and my family’s well-being.
Now, I’m a logical, mentally stable (sort of), intelligent, educated, caring, human being but for a long time my fear of other people’s opinions and being judged kept me stuck. Right royally stuck. I could literally feel the edge of freedom, I just couldn’t get passed this mind glitch.
But I had an intention to overcome it. It’s a work in progress but I’ve learnt to be more comfortable with risk, making mistakes and not always pleasing others… I wouldn’t be writing this now if I wasn’t.
So, how can we get comfortable with being uncomfortable about judgement?
We can remind ourselves of the following on a daily basis:
1) You can’t bake a cake, let alone win Bake Off, without breaking some eggs
Thinking things through, taking your time, avoiding mistakes and getting things ‘just right’ before doing anything may sound sensible but it won’t necessarily equate to creating success in the real world. There’s no substitute for getting out there, having a go, making tonnes of mistakes and learning from feedback (yep, here comes the fear of failure and judgement thing again). Sorry.
2) Success and achievement start with quantity not quality
In his book, Black Box Thinking, Matthew Syed describes how a pottery teacher, on the first day of class, split his students into two groups — one was given the task of producing as many clay pots as possible and at the end of term, they would be graded on quantity, not quality. The other group were asked to focus on producing the best quality pot possible. At the end of the term, they would be graded on their one quality pot.
Which group do you think produced the best quality pot?
You may be surprised but the group focusing on quantity were also the group who produced the highest quality pots. Why? Because as they threw more and more clay at the wheel, as they produced more and more pots, they learnt from their mistakes and developed skill. The other group, according to Syed, theorised and worried about perfection “…and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.”
So, how can get over our fear of judgement, of making mistakes and looking silly? How can we help our kids learn to throw their clay at the wheel?
We can introduce the following mantra (I’ve used blogging as an example, but it can apply to anything):
“If I want to be a brilliant and renowned blogger, I must first write a lot of bad blogs”.
Whether it’s learning to cook, learning to play an instrument or developing a career you love, becoming masterful at something starts with a willingness to suck at it…to publicly suck at it.
It starts with fearing the judgement and doing it anyway.
3) GRIT
Coping with judgement, particularly self-judgement is a big part of developing resilience — and according to psychologist Angela Duckworth in her book Grit, resilience really counts when it comes to our success. You can have as much natural talent as Elton John but unless you’re prepared to make a million bum notes, sing out of tune, forget your lyrics and still keep going when you want to quit, you’re simply not going to become world-class.
We can help our kids build resilience by helping them deal with judgement.
I’m all for positive, loving encouragement but saying something is great when it isn’t (yet) or they sound wonderful when they don’t (yet), isn’t doing them any favours. Focusing on effort and constructive feedback, “I can see you’re trying really hard and improving”, is much more helpful. Not only are you drawing their attention to growth rather than outcome, at some point they’re going to face unconstructive criticism and their ability to take it firmly on the chin, to keep it in perspective, keep calm and carry on regardless, will be the thing that really matters.
4) We’re our own worst critic
Our own judgement about what we do, what we create, how we look is not reliable. In fact, we can be our worst (and harshest) critic to the point it stops us putting ourselves out there.
Your opinion is just one opinion.
When I was doing my art A-level, I remember my teacher losing the plot over my “appalling” (her words) still life painting of a tennis racket. We’re talking a full-body, red-faced, about to vomit response to the monstrosity I’d managed to produce.
Two weeks later, at the end of term, the drying racks had their termly clear out by the same teacher. As she went through each piece of work she finally landed on said monstrosity. Her face lit up… “whose is this??? Everyone look, it’s absolutely wonderful!!!!”
To say I was a little bit smug was an understatement but in all honesty, where do you go with that??!!?? Was it a bad day? Hormones? Lighting? From that moment, I vowed to always take someone’s opinion with a pinch of salt.
I said I vowed, I never said I actually managed it.
The point is opinion is subjective and that includes yours so don’t let it derail everything you do.
5) Judgment is inevitable
Even the most famous, acclaimed, successful entrepreneur, guru or expert will have lovers and haters. You can’t please everyone all of the time. Our kids are likely going through the same thing. Whether it’s the opinion of teachers, parents (yep we’re at it too) or friends they’re having to deal with judgement.
Avoiding judgement can lead to people-pleasing which can result in losing sight of who you really are, what lights you up and what you stand for. It can stop you doing the things you want to do.
6) Fear of judgement is contagious
When we try to avoid being judged or rejected, we’re supporting the idea that it’s not OK to make mistakes, fail or fall over. If we’re not prepared to be vulnerable once in a while, to go for what we really want, to say what we think, how can we expect others to do the same? How can we expect our kids to?
Someone has to go first. Someone has to say, “This is me, warts and all. I’m a perfectly imperfect human being and I’m OK with that.” If you’re a parent one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is to go first and model feel the fear and do it anyway. We can show them that while it can feel uncomfortable, judgement is not as uncomfortable as keeping yourself small and your dreams at arm’s length.
7) Small steps will set you free
You don’t have to do a marathon in your pants, to overcome fear of judgement. Taking small steps (small risks) begins the process of rewiring your brain and weakening the fear circuitry. Small steps build in momentum, the more you ‘peep’ above the parapet and survive the more you’ll be able to do it.
Inspired by Micheal Pantalon’s brilliant book, Instant Influence the following approach can boost motivation, get you out of avoidance and into action.
Answer the following 6 questions:
1) Why might you do the thing you want to do but are afraid to do — such as starting a dance class, learning to sing, going to the gym, starting a business, doing a Facebook live?
When you’ve got your first answer, ask the same question 4 more times so you drill down further into your real why.
2) On a scale of 1–10 how ready are you to do this? 1 is not ready at all and 10 is very, very ready.
3) Why didn’t you pick a lower number? If you picked a 1 ask yourself what it would take to turn the 1 into a 2
4) Imagine you’ve faced your fears and done it. What would the positive outcomes be?
5) Why are these outcomes important to you?
6) What’s the next step?
Start with the easiest, simplest step you can take to move forward? If you were going to the gym for the very first time this could be packing your gym bag and leaving it by the front door.
This approach is not only useful when it comes to getting on with the things we’ve been avoiding but it’s also great to use with our kids. Of course, you can reword the questions to suit the age and situation.
8) Action is the antidote
Sometimes, my inner critic (I have a vicious one) pipes up with the ‘you’re not good enough, people are going to judge you, reject you” thing and I have a moment where fear threatens to derail me. But I know it’s just my brain doing what it’s designed to do — to conjure up thoughts, hypothesis and ideas to keep me safe and keep me alive. Through life experience, my brain has learnt to see public failure and judgement as BAD. But, as I get into action and face my fear my brain is learning that I really can do what I want to do, say what I believe, make mistakes…and survive.
So, thanks brain but I’ve got this.
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