The Premature Premier League End of Season Round-up, 2017/18

After a 4 year hiatus perennial table toppers, Manchester United, are once again Premier League champions, wrapping up the title in a record 3 games. United’s electric attack proved too much for their competitors with the team averaging over 3 goals a game. Local boy Marcus Rashford continued his ascent into stardom with an explosive campaign in which he scored 1 goal, while Frenchman Anthony Martial recovered from a difficult second season to firmly establish himself as being much better than Thierry Henry ever was.
At the other United were in imperious form, through the entire season no team was able to penetrate David De Gea, or his goal. Yet no player was able to outshine Phil Jones, whose resurrection has almost universally been recognized as the best since Jesus’ on Easter Monday. In fact, such was the quality of United’s defense that £31m new boy Victor Lindelof didn't feature at all. The Swede will no doubt hope that is able to get some games next season and he is reportedly set to train with a Sunday League side in Coventry to keep fit during the unusually long summer United now face.
Speaking of his record title win manager Jose Mourinho said the following, ‘when a horse eats a carrot before he sleeps he is happy, but when he sleeps with a blanket too, he is warm’. So far no one has been able to decipher this nonsense.
Yet beyond the Red Devils returning the Premier League to its natural order, it was a historic season for plenty of other reasons too.
The battle for the top 4 was, as usual, tightly fought and ended in disappointment for 16 of the League’s 20 clubs. Liverpool and Manchester City both secured Champions League football for next year having taken 7 points from their 3 games. Both sides set the League alight with their attacking flair, but ultimately, not really being that fussed about defending cost both dearly.
Special mention must go to Huddersfield who, finishing in 3rd place will make up the English contingent in next season’s Champions League, which has now been publicly recognized as being slightly more important than the FA Cup.
However, while Huddersfield will be celebrating being a part of the most magical story since last year, or the year before, spare a thought for West Bromwich Albion who missed out the Champions League on goal difference. The Midlands side nonetheless achieved a club record 5th placed finish and speaking of the team’s success manager Tony Pulis said ‘we set the team up to defend and we’re all a little disappointed we didn’t finish a bit lower’.
Of the League’s big boys, Chelsea were sadly unable to mount a challenge, finishing a lowly 6th having traded half of their squad for Tiemoue Bakayoko and stocks in a mysterious Asian Nuclear Energy corporation.
Everton, by finishing 12th, successfully proved that buying average players for the same price as great players doesn’t make average players great, while Tottenham also played their part in bringing back the Premier League’s ‘good old days’ by completely bottling it. Playing at Wembley proved too much for last season’s runners up and, failing to win a game at home the side finished a lowly 9th. Chairman Daniel Levy is reportedly Googling potential additions for next season.
Perhaps the season’s biggest disappointment was Arsenal’s calamitous 16th placed finish. Speaking of his side’s close escape from relegation manager Arsene Wenger told reporters that he, ‘didn’t see it’. However, Gunner’s fans will be relieved that the club’s board continues to value continuity over progress as they have renewed Wenger’s contract for a further 14 years.
This season’s final words must go to the teams departing the Premier League for the Championship. At the bottom of the pile were West Ham who finished with 0 points from their 3 games. Following relegation to England’s second tier for the first time since 2011, co-owners David Gold and Sullivan made a public statement announcing ‘we are still a big club and anyone who says different is proper going to get it’.
The two other sides unable to cut it in the best League in the World, if you don’t count La Liga, were Crystal Palace and Bournemouth. Speaking of their relegation, Palace Chairman Steve Parry said, ‘after Sam left we thought we’d go a different way and try to play football, we’re never making that mistake again’.
Unfortunately no one in the media reached out to Bournemouth for comment as most people assumed they were a Championship club already.
And there we have it. The 2017/18 was a historic season for so many reasons, not just because not a single game was player in 2018. This is what it’s all about. This is why the Premier League is the best League in the world. The beautiful game. It was a game of two halves. I never even touched him ref.
Thank you and until next season, goodbye.

