UEFA Champions League Fun Rankings

Forget about Chelsea’s incredible run in the Premier League, Monaco and OGC Nice’s dream run in Ligue 1, RB Leipzig’s fairytale run in Bundesliga and Arsene Wenger’s Tony Montana-like demise in Arsenal. This football season’s most underrated subplot is the amazing knock-out stages of Champions League that we have on our hands. The last time someone outside of the Holy Trinity — Real, Barca and Bayern, had a legitimate shot of winning the UCL was in 2010–11 season when Manchester United was defeated by none other than Barcelona in the final. When historians will look back on Chelsea’s win in the next season over Bayern Munich in the final, they’ll wonder where did we as a human race go wrong (Chelsea finished 6th in the league that season. 6th!). Take that victory away, and the Holy Trinity has won every Champions League this decade.

This year? This year with Barcelona on their way out (hold onto this) you could talk yourself into four potential winners (Bayern, Real, PSG and Juventus) and one serious dark horse (Man City/ Monaco) to along with two hipster choices in Atletico and Sevilla. But that’s a conversation for another time. We still have a second leg to drool for and if the first leg was any indication, boy are we in for a treat.

I’m a sports junkie, I try to catch up on as much as football as possible but what about an average Joe like you, someone whose world doesn’t revolve around men kicking a ball around on a green field? What if you could catch up on only one or at best two games this week? Which games you should watch and which you should stay away from? Don’t worry; I got you covered. Just to help you get through this tough decision in life, I decided to rank the 2nd leg of the eight ties on a fun scale.

Here’s the thought process behind the genius idea:

1. Star power counts: Would you rather watch Real Madrid, a constellation of stars or Juventus, devoid of stars but equally impressive?

2. Style of play matters: Would you rather stay awake for a flame throwing Monaco or a lane-clogging Benfica?

3. Competitiveness of the tie matters: A tie involving two evenly matched teams will be given preference over a match-up which was over even before it began.

4. Make the list in reverse order: You are better served to watch a paper float in the air than the tie that is ranked number №8 but for №1? You better be jacked up on two cans of Red Bull and four cup of coffees before you turn on your television set (actually don’t do it, you might end up in the emergency room).

Now you know the rules, so let the fun begin.

8. Bayer Leverkusen — Atletico Madrid (2–4)

Kudos to Bayer for scoring a couple of goals past Atletico but then again this is not the Atletico of the past and they conceded four goals of their own while playing on home turf and they just lost 6–2 to Borussia Dortmund, who have their own set of problems and they just fired their head coach. So yeah, nothing to see here.

7. Bayern Munich — Arsenal (First leg score: 5–1)

We all knew that this tie was dead even before Robben swung his left foot at the ball to give Bayern a 1–0 lead in the Allianz Arena. But nobody knew that we’d be witness to the carnage that Bayern laid down on Arsenal. Freaking Leicester City has a better chance of progressing to the quarter-finals than the Gunners. What a disaster!

“Leave when you are still on top.” But that’s easier said than done. When you are at the top, it’s harder to step down because you think you can continue this excellence for another season and eventually end up staying a year too late. Natural human tendency, so it is understandable. What is not understandable is when you stay for five years too late.

And if you are one of the 10 Arsenal supporters who believe that he deserves another chance, you should take a real hard look at all the choices you have made in your life and wonder where you went wrong. Your manager started Welbeck and Giroud over your best player in a crucial league match because he needed “air superiority”. What is he doing?! Doesn’t he recognize the fact that Sanchez has 17 league goals this season and none of his other players have failed to crack the double figures in goals in the league? And Atletico and Juventus have featured in the last three UCL finals, so your argument in his support that he lacks resources that the other big clubs have the luxury of, is dumber than Kyrie Irving revealing that he believes the Earth is flat.

He’s turned from one of the best managers in the world into a cranky old man who is too stubborn to adapt to the highly evolving game. Never before a manager of Wenger’s stature has had such a brutal fall from grace and let this be the point of what happens when you stick along for way too long.

6. Porto — Juventus (0–2)

We are talking a lot about Wenger and the mess that he has created in Arsenal but not enough about Juventus and the masterpiece that Allegri is creating in Turin. They brushed aside Porto without breaking a sweat, with the help of a veteran defense and a smart attack. For the third year in a row they are football nerds’ choice to topple the top brass of the footballing world. With Barcelona hanging by a thread and Real Madrid reeling, the path to the final has never been clearer for the Old Lady.

5. Sevilla — Leicester City (2–1)

This tie has a sleeper upset potential. Vardy grabbed the all so crucial away goal for the Foxes and for Sevilla, a 2–1 lead is not the most comfortable lead to take to a second leg which is away from home. Sure, Sevilla is still 11 times better than Leicester, with a clear identity of who they are but they are not Reals or the Bayerns of the world. With Foxes on a slight upswing and Mahrez and Vardy showing signs of old form, Sevilla might be catching them at the not the right time. In other words, the dullest tie of the round turned into the fifth most enticing contest. Yay?!

4. Benfica — Borussia Dortmund (1–0)

This is our annual “where the wrong team won the first leg” tie, joining the ranks of Wolfsburg-Real Madrid last year, Porto-Bayern in ’14–15, Olympiacos-Man Utd in ’13–14 and Milan-Barcelona in ’12–13 among others. Benfica remained stout (*coughs* got lucky) against a relentless Dortmund attack and took one of the few chances (*coughs again* the only chance) that fell in their lap.

But here’s the fun thing, an away goal for Benfica against a Dortmund side that concedes more than one goal per game in the league (25 in 23 matches so far) will put BVB in a real hole. And here’s fun thing number two, despite a dip in talent over the last couple of years, the home team has enough firepower to overcome that deficit. And that’s how you spice up a round-of-16 matchup.

3. Paris Saint-German — Barcelona (4–0)

Psst…hey you. Yes, you! Did you know that a 4–0 deficit has never been over turned in the Champions League history? But did you also know that none of those teams had a player like Lionel Messi playing at the level that he is playing on right now?

FC Barcelona, a club based in Catalonia region of Spain is down 4–0 before the second leg kicks off in two days, and they still believe that they have an outside shot of getting through this tie. That’s crazy! No team should be able to say that after the ass-whooping that they took at the hands of PSG. With Di Mario and the industrious Rabiot doubtful for the tie, things are getting a tad bit uneasy for the reigning French Champions.

Ironically enough Barca are in the same spot that Real were four years ago when Lewandowski put four goals past Madrid as they were outrun by one of the best teams of this century never to win the UCL (the ‘12–13 Dortmund was so much fun). Real were left with a mountain to climb and if you have the second leg etched in your memory as it does in mine, Real would’ve trumped the scoreline from the first leg if not for some of the most wasteful shooting efforts I’ve ever been witness to in my life. In the end, they fell a goal short of completing one of the most remarkable in the Champions League history. Take a look:

(Wait, just give me a minute. That one still stings!)

But why did I just insert a random Real Madrid nugget (other than the fact that Real Madrid is my club) in the middle of a Barcelona-PSG tie? Because home support matters! Madrid fans wanted blood during that tie, and they willed their players to those two goals. When you are facing a deficit as large as Barcelona is facing, it helps when 90,000 fans are behind you. The only difference was that the Men in White managed to snag a goal in the away leg while Barcelona didn’t.

PSG are still the favorites to get through to the next round as an away goal will all but kill the match, but a couple of goals from the home side before the half time and all bets are off. Mark my words, if the Blaugranas manage to pull of this super-Herculean task, they are going to win the treble. And nobody will feel worse about it than me.

2. Real Madrid — Napoli (3–1)

I was nervous when the tie was announced and going into Naples with a decent (but not great) 3–1 lead, I still am. Yes, Napoli has lost two of the last three games with a home loss to Atalanata and a crushing defeat at the hands of Juventus but Real themselves are not going through the most purple of patches. They have allowed eight goals in the last four games and gave up the lead they had in La Liga to Barcelona. And now every time Real Madrid step out on the field, I wonder how big of a hole will they try to dig for themselves to get out of.

The away goal (which was down to Navas’s mistake, someone who is totally getting replaced this summer) has given Napoli a glimmer of hope and the way Real is leaking goals to teams that are 14 times inferior to their opponents on Tuesday, maybe a glimmer of hope is all they need. But here’s the thing — Real Madrid is still Real Madrid. They are still the club with the most European titles and nobody knows how to play this competition better than them. Zidane is fully aware of the fact that an away goal will seal the match for good and scoring goals, let’s say is not the most difficult skill for Madrid players. Also, Ronaldo is due for some fireworks in this year’s Champions League and don’t be surprised if it comes in front of a hostile crowd of 70,000.

1. Manchester City — Monaco (5–3)

The away team scored three goals and still starts the second leg two goals down.

Yup, Champions League 2016–17 in a nutshell.

See you soon.