A Father, a Son, and a Misunderstood Heart
The emotional tug-of-war with parents
The door slammed shut, and the accusations hurled hung in the air like decorations on a Christmas tree. The stench of doubt filled the room. On this side of the door, was a father attempting to hold a reasonable conversation on relationships. On the other side was a sixteen-year-old boy, nursing the hurt caused by a lack of trust.
The Communication Gap
Parents of teenagers are often accused of not understanding their children's feelings. In return, children are blamed for being impulsive, shortsighted, and stubborn. This age-old tug-o-war is exhausting and inconsequential.
While both parties are tied to each other with titanium-like bonds of love, it’s often unfathomable why they cannot bridge the communication gap.
The generation gap is the difference in perception, comprehension and collation of life situations by people, born apart by several decades.
Older Generation
The older generation has a bag full of experience: some sweet and some bitter. Their protective instinct sees them sermonize, expecting mute obedience. They eagerly navigate through teenage issues, wearing the spectacles of reason and logic.
The oft-repeated phrase, “Way back in our times…..” is reflected by all the walls that house teenagers.
Younger Generation
Youngsters are driven by the incomprehensible pull to rebel. With hormones on a high tide, eager to prove themselves to be larger than life, they paint their nervousness and awkwardness into revolt and non-compliance. They wouldn’t spare a cent for experience, as they define their lives by adventure and thrill.
Being safe is not on their list as they are akin to explorers, out on an expedition. In their understanding, life is defined by emotion, not issues. How they feel is far more important than what is happening. Thus, all logic fails and reason stands disrobed, before the dictator's Emotion.
Just like their older counterparts, they too have oft-repeated phrases, “You don’t understand me…” being one of the most popular.
The stench of doubt is heavy and unbearable. The father is grappling with ways to make his son understand the need to be wary of toxic relationships. The son is consumed by the hurt caused by what he perceives to be his father’s lack of trust and confidence.
While both stand upright in terms of being correct, both are overcome by doubt: the father doubts his son’s ability while the son doubts his father’s intentions.
Heartfelt Note to the Father
Dear Father,
The burden of love leads you to take your responsibility seriously. While you may want to shield your son from all that is evil and unpleasant, remember Buddha attained nirvana by experiencing what was hostile to his happiness. You focus on the issue and fail to get through, unable to unravel the emotional deductions made at the other end.
When you talk about safety, you are called a control freak, when you talk about responsibility you are no fun, when you profess discretion, you are labeled to be boring and when you question, you are suspicious. Your rules are bars, your affection a prison, your expectation a sword dangling over a beloved head.
Take heart, dear father, for you have fulfilled the Lord’s greatest desire, to nurture a soul, chiseling him with values and depth of character. Never undermine the power of the walks that you talked about. Your demonstrations will surely bear fruits.
Do your duty to caution, without underplaying the upheaval of emotions it may cause. Smile, when your child turns left when told to turn right, this shows he is secure in his surety of finding you waiting at the bend.
Stay calm, for the GPS has a zillion ways to reach the same destination. While the storm of teenage years rages, lie low and be patient, for the sun often shines bright after a dark night. Hold on with faith, for the under-progress road is bound to look ugly and unkempt.
Never doubt the ability of a seed that has been nourished by the right amount of sun, water, and soil. A tall, proud tree, laden with fruits and embellished with fragrant flowers, lies within it.
Loving Advice to the Son
Dear Son,
Never doubt the intentions of your well-meaning father. Today, you may be speaking alien languages and struggling to comprehend each other, but you are the same flesh and blood. Your uproarious emotional state is not unknown to him. The look in your eyes, your gait from gate to door, and the depth of your smile are the tell-tale marks of your mental state, being read at record speed by your father.
The pressures you experience are the reason he toils harder physically and mentally, to lessen the gap between your fantastical and the real world. He’s trying hard to get your attention like that one call of a friendly bird, heard by a rodent, warning it of a predator.
The biology of the umbilical cord and the psychology of this connection may be beyond your understanding for now, but it’s as true as truth can be.
When cautioned, take a moment to pause and reflect. Your emotions are priceless and so are those of your father. Age doesn’t deprive one to respond emotionally, it merely teaches one to camouflage feelings with the need of the hour.
Even when hurt is caused, it is temporary and not without basis. For once, try to look over the shoulder of hurt, to find reason and concern, crouching for shelter. Is it fair to be reckless towards someone’s feelings because he happens to be an adult?
What makes you so sure that when you accuse him of being hurtful, you are not sharing the same accusation, for being callous and nonchalant?
What causes hurt to you is well defined, why is, what causes hurt to him, of no value? Intentions are most valuable, while language, tone, and actions can be discounted.
An act gone wrong causes some damage, an ill thought causes some more, but an ill intention wreaks havoc. Reversely, a good intention overrides a harshly spoken word, a strict action, and a belligerent approach.
The loss of the shell may give the tortoise a lot of freedom, but it makes it vulnerable and deprived of protection.
Is it befitting for the tortoise to blame its shell for curtailing its liberty?
Nature bestows upon creatures, defense mechanisms, some have hides of different types, some colors and some have parents to shelter them from the vicious adversaries.
Go for a Truce
To Father and Son,
Talk to each other calmly, explain your perspectives, and bridge this gap
Your bond is too precious and important to be overcome by any misunderstanding that clouds your thoughts and taints the other’s image.
The sooner the gap is bridged, the less the chances of accidents.
